“It means my dog ate it. It’s latin, it’s a joke. It’s a latin joke…”
Hello!
Apologies for missing last week, I had the flu. Even that delirium couldn’t have prepared me for the Week 8 storylines:
- Tom Brady got divorced from Gisele and reality in the same week. Maybe Belichick was right….?
- The Broncos and Jaguars probably killed off interest in the NFL in the UK.
- The Panthers are trying to get Steve Wilks the permanent job. Don’t do it, Carolina.
- The Lions still don’t know a football game lasts 4 quarters.
- Thank God for the Raiders when I’m ill.
- Belichick continues to outcoach when it matters most.
- McCaffrey is our saviour. Til Easter comes early and he’s out for the season.
- The Seahawks and Niners are going to end up vying for the division. As we all predicted….
- The Packers still suck. Ha. Ha.
Now, Week 9, in which the vast majority of entertaining games are played in the early window…
Philadelphia 29, Houston 17
I don’t want to shit on Philadelphia fans. God knows, living there, life has already done it to them. You’re doing really well. You’re very good. You can only beat what’s in front of you. All of these things are true. That said, you’re still beating up on mostly shite. Since 2021, here is a comprehensive list of the QBs you’ve beaten:
- Matt Ryan
- Sam Darnold
- Jared Goff (2x)
- Teddy Bridgewater
- Trevor Siemien
- Zach Wilson
- Garret Gilbert
- Mike Glennon / Jake Fromm
- Taylor Heinicke
- Kirk Cousins
- Carson Wentz
- Trevor Lawrence
- Kyler Murray
- Cooper Rush
- Kenny Pickett
- Davis Mills
Thanks, Reddit.
Not exactly a quality set of opponents. None the less, 8-0 is 8-0. I really want to see them play someone at a similar level though.
LA Chargers at Atlanta
Not an easy game to pick to start off. The talent principle says the Chargers should win this easily. The coaching principle says Atlanta could nick it. The Chargers must be the team with the most talent being coached out of them by their coach (is Staley better than Anthony Lynn at this point?), while the Falcons probably have a shout for being the team most out-coaching their talent level, albeit that they were almost beaten by Carolina last week, who suddenly turned into the Harlem Globetrotters.
Tough pick. Talent just edges it, but neither result would shock me, barring a blowout either way.
Chargers by a score.
Miami at Chicago
This could also be easier. I love what Miami is doing, as I feel like I say every week, and the trade for Bradley Chubb was tremendous. I can’t put much faith in Chicago’s defense stopping Miami, as, to use the old Dan Marino quote, they have a drug problem. They’re getting drug up and down the field. That said, Fields is a lot better than people realise (as is Tua, which is interesting), and I think he’ll keep them in it. Not enough to win though.
Miami by a score.
Carolina at Cincinnati
Carolina played hard for Steve Wilks, but I really hope the Carolina brass aren’t stupid enough to make a mistake that the likes of the Chiefs with Romeo Crennel have done in the past. Teams will always play hard for interim coaches, they’re probably coaching for their jobs. I think they’ll try hard again, but Cinci should have enough, here.
Cincinnati by two scores.
Green Bay at Detroit – UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK
I can’t believe I’m doing this – and I especially can’t believe I bet on it:
But fuck it, I believe. The Packers are flatlining, Rodgers seems to be on a one-man mission to get LeFleur fired, and they just came off a week where they tried to trade for every human offensive skill player in the league and came up with nothing.
The Lions, meanwhile, reacted to another defensive meltdown by firing their….DBs coach. The poor guy. The heat on Aaron Glenn would keep the underprivileged in the UK warm all winter, but I dunno. They owe the Packers one. Time to deliver.
Detroit by a score.
Las Vegas at Jacksonville
The battle of the two most undeserved hype machines in the league as Josh McDaniels’ shut-out Raiders take on the generational talent that is Trevor Lawrence.
Who wins? I have no idea. I’ve vacillated on this all week, but I’ll take the upset(?) here and say Jacksonville are going to pile more pain on Las Vegas,
Jacksonville by a score.
Indianapolis at New England
Indy continue to die slowly and painfully, losing to a pretty terrible Commanders team last week right at the death. It’s hard to see them winning here against an unpredictable, but well coached New England side. If Belichick gets this team into the playoffs, they’re going to annoy a lot of people.
New England by a score.
Buffalo at NY Jets
I think this could actually be a decent game. The Jets are….inconsistent, to say the least, especially with Wilson at QB who looks worse every week, but they’re entertaining and always play hard. The Bills might have a shout to be the best team in the league, and always produce on offense. That said, Robert Saleh will relish the challenge of trying to shut Josh Allen down. However, when he tried that with the 49ers, he gave up 35 (THIRTY FIVE) first downs on Monday Night Football. Bills win, but a good watch, one feels.
Buffalo by a score.
Minnesota at Washington
The Commanders are a much better team with Taylor Heineke at QB, and got a nice little morale boosting win last week over the Colts. An even bigger boost came later in the week when Emperor Palpatine Snyder finally seemed to be releasing his grip on the team. Unfortunately, your alternative seems to be Jeff Bezos and Jay-Z. I’m sorry, guys.
Minnesota are really good and should win the North, but have Atlanta-level ability to let the side down when it matters. Fortunately, it doesn’t matter this week, so they’ll win.
Minnesota by a score.
Seattle at Arizona
Arizona were the trendy pick for the division at the start of the season, and Seattle were predicted to be one of the worst teams in the league. This proves a number of things – 1) people are stupid, 2) offseason predictions are always hilarious, and 3) the importance of coaching. As a Niners fan I’m no lover of Pete Carroll, but his coaching job this year has been excellent, and his belief in Geno Smith when no one else could ever have concieveably thought he could play in the NFL in 2022 deserves respect. They’ll keep it rolling today, and Arizona will continue to pray some college program is stupid enough to take Kingsbury and that baseball still wants Kyler Murray.
Seattle by a score.
LA Rams at Tampa Bay
Similar to the above game, this would’ve been considered an NFC title game pick at one point. Not so now. So which underachieving superteam wins this? I ultimately think the Rams are better, although one-dimensional. I see no hope for Tampa Bay under Todd Bowles at the moment. They’ve completely lost their way.
Rams by a score.
Tennessee at Kansas City
This could be really good, a real mesh of styles. The record doesn’t favour Tennessee, but they’re always well-coached and tend to stay in games. Mahomes is a juggernaut and Andy Reid seems to be finding his playcalling mojo. It’ll be a good game, but in these close situations, Arrowhead is a pretty good tiebreaker.
Kansas by a score.
Baltimore at New Orleans
This game feels like it should have pizazz, but since Baltimore are mediocre and New Orleans are outright bad, it doesn’t. Baltimore should win and keep themselves alive, but I’m not sure what the Saints are. I’d love to give them credit for winning last week, but it was only Las Vegas.
Baltimore by a score.