Hello! Yep, I’m bringing them back! No sense paying for a year’s web hosting and not writing the world’s most underrated NFL column again.
I’ll be once again predicting the NFL, and predicting the scorelines (kind of) every week. I’ll also be doing it in exactly the same way you’ve come to expect. Horribly. How did I do last season?
Last season: 141-110 – 0.562 win percentage
A strong Week 18 last season pushed me comfortably into the positive column – I had the record of an average-to-good NFL coach. Like, I dunno, Mike Tomlin, except people don’t act like I’ve just achieved Jesus-like miracles whenever I do the bare minimum.
So, can we keep that going this year? We start, like most NFL teams, on 0-0, and I love this time of year. Every team is good, and bad until the ball starts getting snapped. You could surprise everyone and go deep into the season, like the glorious Lions season last year, or you could surprise no one, and suck, like the Commanders, every year since about 1987.
Without further ado, let’s get into it, starting with the two games I didn’t predict, but will review- the opener and the NFL’s latest excursion into international waters. Sundays only on this channel, boys.
Kansas City 27, Baltimore 20
Tay-Tay got on a plane, plane, plane, plane, plane, just in time to see her boy once again win a game that he had no right to win. This worked out great again for the Chiefs, who are now seemingly using the world’s most popular recording artist as a psy-op so people forget that the NFL collectively allowed the team to draft Xavier Worthy, who already looks worthy (hey-hey!) of being in the lineup. Buffalo in particular should hang their heads in shame for allowing this to happen, because Worthy is the perfect match to Andy Reid’s system, and now we’re all going to suffer for it. At least, until Travis and Taylor have a messy midseason breakup.
Philadelphia 34, Green Bay 29 (in São Paulo, Brazil)
This game must have heated up, because at half-time it looked about as welcome a gift to Brazil as four more years of Bolsonaro. Difficult to know what to take from this game as both QBs had an off night – Jordan Love was hobbled, while Jalen Hurts looked as boom or bust as he was most of last season, once the 49ers ended them. Two good teams, still, I think, but starting them with an international game is horrible. Still, it’s the Eagles and Packers, so, crack on, NFL.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta
What an ugly, ugly game to start with. Most Week 1 games are an unknown, but this might be more unknown than most. Pittsburgh remain one of the strangest franchises in the NFL, having somehow psychologically convinced themselves that Mike Tomlin is a great coach, Russell Wilson is the answer at quarterback, AND they were going to get Brandon Aiyuk, all in the same offseason. I keep waiting for the wheels to entirely fall off Pittsburgh, and suspect this might be the year.
There was huge optimism around Atlanta too, as they finally replaced their Tecmo Bowl offense-running head coach, signed Kirk Cousins, who, while much maligned and a Thatcher lover, is a pretty good quarterback, and pulled a number of other interesting moves. Unfortunately, they then drafted Michael Penix in the first round. Listen, it’s not that he’s bad – I think he might even become a good NFL quarterback – but with everything else going on on that team, it was a horrible pick. Will this be the year, too, that Kyle Pitts finally breaks out? Nope. He’s a unicorn – in the sense that I’m not convinced he exists.
Atlanta wins this one, though, because they’re at home and a better side overall on paper.
Atlanta, one score.
Arizona at Buffalo
I think Arizona are going under a lot of people’s radar. They’ll live and die by Kyler Murray’s tiny little arms and tiny little legs, but I can’t doubt their coaching – witness some of the things they were able to despite a talent deficit all last season (beating some pretty good teams in a bad season), and also witness the way the Eagles fell off without their coordinator. So this game isn’t as clear cut as it would seem.
I don’t know what to make of Buffalo, because they are demonstrably not a poor team – constantly in and around the playoffs – but just not taking that next step constantly. NFL logic would suggest that they take a big step back at some point. I’ll guess it’s going to start here.
Arizona, one score.
Tennessee at Chicago
Two teams I’m intrigued by this year – Tennessee should improve with a new offensive approach and have some pretty talented young players, while the Bears start the hope cycle again with Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze, and to be honest, given how their defense played last season, and how they played for Matt Ecigarettefluid, I’m tipping them for a pretty good season, starting here with a narrow win.
Chicago, one score.
New England at Cincinnati
I mean, New England is starting Jacoby Brissett. Whatever the deal is with Ja’marr Chase and his illness, the Bengals are still going to have too much for them. Sorry, Pats fans, but you’re gonna suck til Maye gets in. And possibly after. And possibly for a while.
Cincinnati, two scores plus.
Houston at Indianapolis
This could be a great game, featuring two teams that will almost certainly be vying for AFC South supremacy, and two dynamic young quarterbacks. I’ll have a keen eye on this one. Picking a winner is tough, but I think Houston is a better team, so I’ll take them. Definitely not one I’d like to be putting money on, though.
Houston, one score.
Jacksonville at Miami
Two of the NFL’s biggest empty calorie teams collide! Jacksonville, full of hype, and ‘the best QB prospect in years’ in Trevor Lawrence (who’s produced little to nothing to show that) versus Miami, who always seem like they should be good and somehow aren’t good enough every year. I still think Miami has the talent to carry this one easily, but they’re getting close to put up or shut up time, much like Buffalo.
Miami, two scores plus.
Carolina at New Orleans
Intrigued by this – I’m not and have never been sold on the Dennis Allen Saints, whereas the Dave Canales Panthers are a complete unknown, but it’s hard to imagine they’d be worse than last year. I think I’ll make this my Upset Pick of The Week – new coach, lots of optimism, and a big result for Carolina to kick things off.
Carolina, one score.
Minnesota at NY Giants
Oof. It’s hard to pick a winner out of the landfill. A Sam Darnold (minus Kyle Shanahan) led Minnesota and a Daniel Jones led Giants team. With all Minnesota’s offseason drama, I’m taking the Giants, but, well, jeez.
NY, one score.
Las Vegas at LA Chargers
Harbaugh returns to the NFL – just when you thought it was safe to do signs on the sideline. This could actually be a really good game to start off with – I’ve no idea what to make of the Raiders, who have a pretty good roster but no quarterback, whereas the Chargers have a pretty good quarterback and a roster no one’s too sure about. Fortunately, the Raiders hired the Chargers old GM, so as long as they make him just look for a QB, everything will be fine. Harbaugh makes a winning start, I think.
LA, one score.
Denver at Seattle
Sorry, I can’t in good conscience take Bo Nix over a Seattle team that’s improving and seemingly hired the best coaches they possibly could. The NFC West is going to be an absolute war zone this year, and it’ll start with an easy Seattle win here.
Seattle, two scores plus.
Washington at Tampa Bay
I think Washington are on a good track, having hired Adam Peters and Dan Quinn, but it’s too early to pick them to win on the road against a solid Tampa team. They’ll put up a good fight, though, I’m projecting.
Tampa, one score.
Dallas at Cleveland
Tough call here – I love Cleveland’s defense, but in closer games, I tend to take the better offense, and unless Deshaun Watson is going to go back in time about five years, that’s not Cleveland. That said, Dak Prescott better be something he’s never been to be worth that insane contract they’ve just handed out. At least he’ll start good.
Dallas, one score.
LA Rams at Detroit
Playoff rematch, and I’ll predict a similar result because that Rams defense looks horrible and I expect the Lions to really confuse their fans by being good for a second year in a row. Big game for Sam LaPorta ahead – not very sure what the Rams strategy actually is with their defense and roster building.
Detroit, two scores plus.
NY Jets at San Francisco
And finally, I have to pick my own team’s game. Do not like. I’ll take us to win, because I remain unconvinced that the Jets are up to much – you can have Aaron Rodgers, but the rest of your roster is pretty, pretty, pretty bad. Go Niners.
San Francisco, two scores plus.