Hello!
England’s football team may fail you, but I won’t. Still here, still pumping out those predictions, still cranky. Today I have a lot of Rancid. NOFX, and Operation Ivy playing in the background, so apologies in advance for the obscure references, if they happen.
Las Vegas 16, LA Rams 17
Josh McDaniels sure is a genius. Not many other people could’ve lost a prime-time game to a QB eating hot dogs on the couch til 2 days before kickoff. It’s hard to know where either franchise is going at this stage, but the answer almost certainly contains ‘nowhere this season’.
NY Jets at Buffalo
Ooh, great game to open. Mike White *almost* led a crazy win over the Vikings last week, then he remembered he was Mike White. Still, he’s not Zach Wilson. The Jets are showing all the hallmarks of a Robert Salah team, particularly defense – they’re great, spunky, flashy, and almost always fighting til the end of a game. The other characteristic they seem to have inherited is an ability to lose when it matters.
I still don’t know what to make of Buffalo, it’s almost entirely the Josh Allen experience at this point – but then, it’s working. Huh. I can’t see them not winning this, they’re by far the better team on paper. But football don’t get played on paper, boy.
Buffalo, one score.
Cleveland at Cincinnati
The Ohio River Ruining. Everyone’s favourite probable-rapist QB came back last week, and hilariously, just like other rapists in other sports, he sucked, as do Cleveland.
Cincinnati, meanwhile, are about to become yet another difficult to spell household name. A great win over the Chiefs, vaulting them into contention in the division, since the Ravens continue to blow their own feet off with their array of weapons. They should keep it rolling this week, because Cleveland sucks, and fuck sexual abusers.
Cincinnati, two scores.
Houston at Dallas
Lol. This ain’t no mecca man, this place is fucked.
Dallas by about 45. Just shut down Houston.
Minnesota at Detroit
Detroit are playing well enough that they’ve hoodwinked ‘sources’ into saying Goff isn’t a bridge option – don’t fall for it, Detroit. Still, no one can deny that they’re scrappy, hard working, and winning games. Good for them, they deserve it. In some places-you-can’t-legally-gamble-in-in-48-states, they’re FAVOURITES today. What on earth?
I can only assume it’s because Minnesota is about the least convincing 10-2 team in league history. I have no idea what it is, but they seem to make every single one of their games entertaining, whether playing the Harlem Globetrotters or the Washington Generals or somewhere in between. Meanwhile, who has recent experience of gutting out close games? The Lions. Hmm…
I believe in Dan Campbell. Junkie man, tell me what the story is.
Detroit, one score.
Philadelphia at NY Giants
An NFC East barn-burner, were it not for the fact that the Giants are largely already on fire. The Giants ‘kissed their sister’ (I tried to google this and got Pornhub results – funny old world) last week, tying with the Commanders in a battle of ‘no, I insist, you have the win’ offenses. Even the best wizards keep their shows down to an hour – 18 weeks might have been a bit much to ask of Brian Daboll. That said, their run game and pass rush should keep them in this against an Eagles side who at least seem to have some vulnerability to both.
The Eagles absolutely wiped the floor with Tennessee last week, their most dominant performance in several weeks. They’re the class of the NFC right now, and would give most of the top sides in the AFC a run for their money. I have to pick them here, but it might be a closer game than expected, and if NY win, I’ll say aye, they’re a fucken good side.
Philly, one score.
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Ugh. The Ravens are putrid right now, and to make matters worse, Greg Roman didn’t get the Stanford job. That Broncos defense is good, but how Roman has turned Lamar Jackson into Trent Dilfer is beyond criminal – and that spectre of losing games they should be winning continues to follow them. They should be winning this, but they should be winning a lot of games they’re not right now.
Pittsburgh beat a similarly contemptibly bad team in Atlanta last week in the ugliest of fashions. If they can make this game a ‘Donnybrook’ (that’s American for ‘shite game’), they might pull it off. In fact, I’m picking them.
Pittsburgh, one score.
Jacksonville at Tennessee
I mean, this should be an easy bounce back for Tennessee if they’re anywhere near the team I think they are, but after last week, I’m not sure I think they are the team I think they are.
Mind you, the Jags had 40 hung on them by the Lions. Tough call. I think Vrabel gets the Titans back to work this week, but I doubt it’ll be pretty.
Tennessee, two scores.
Kansas City at Denver
Let’s ride… the money line. Denver continue to be completely useless at doing half of what you actually need to do win a football game, whereas Kansas look hard to beat when they’re not playing Joe Burrow. I hear the cries of ‘but Broncos defense!’, but sorry, I don’t give a fuck. It’s Mahomes and Reid, against the Broncos. That team and that division sucks. Just give it to Kansas.
Kansas, two scores.
Carolina at Seattle
Well, if you’re gonna have a career bounceback year, I guess it helps to play the NFC South. Nothing interesting to say about this one. Seattle wins, there’ll be about 200 people there, Carolina, at this point, would sooner have college football be on Sunday so they could go scout instead of watch it. They released Baker Mayfield, which is a bit like fixing your roof while the house burns, but next year is all that matters to them.
Seattle, two scores.
Tampa Bay at San Francisco
Well, Tampa needed another late drive to beat a terrible New Orleans team. but they do still have a lot of good individual players, not least their QB. It’s a shame their offensive line is as bad as it has been, but with Bosa slowed by a hamstring injury (making him equivalent in skill to Maxx Crosby, finally, you crack-smoking Raiders fans), maybe that won’t matter.
It’s not ideal to be starting the last pick in this year’s draft on a team this good, but hopefully SF can give Brady some sort of PTSD by starting a late-round QB from a successful college program who is getting his chance following an injury to a successful-albeit-maligned starting QB.
It’s not the only parallel I’m hoping for this year.
SF, one score.
Miami at LA Chargers
This would be a really good game if Brandon Staley/Joe Lombardi could coach. However…well…
I like Justin Herbert, but this Chargers team feels like it’s treading water. FYI, they fired Anthony Lynn for this exact thing.
Miami got their pants pulled down a little last week, despite having more talent than the 49ers according to Raheem ‘fucking mark’ Mostert, particularly Tua, but playing a defense running out of players is probably ideal to bounce back against. I can’t see them being bad two weeks in a row, and it’ll probably help McDaniel that he’s not coaching against a clone of himself this week.
Miami, two scores.
New England at Arizona
Ugh, what an awful MNF. A poor QB in a bad system against, uh…well.
I dunno, who cares?
Best coach wins, which is, as usual, bad news for Kliff Kingsbury, since he’s not coaching in Pop Warner.
New England, one score.