Guten Tag! Wilkommen to das Week 11 NFL Predictions, ja?
To think I almost did German at GCSE…
Anyway, what news of ze var, Gentlemen?
Carolina 25, Atlanta 15
What if they had a war and nobody watched? The NFC South continued it’s dullness apace with this affront to offensive football. Bring back the flying wedge. Regardless, once-failed Arizona coach Steve Wilks continues to look better than Matt Rhule ever did, and that should be quite an affront to David Tepper, because Steve Wilks is one of the worst NFL head coaches in history.
Seattle at Tampa Bay (if Florida is now part of Germany. Bloody Jerrys)
Football returns to Germany! A nation once weaned on NFL Europe football, where development players largely played out average football to indifference, will today greet average football with one of the best atmospheres of the year. This is a tough one to start out with – I would love Tampa to do the Niners a favour, but despite them beating the fast-fading Rams, I don’t have a lot of faith in them. I also keep expecting the wheels to come off Seattle and this improbable Geno Smith run, but it doesn’t seem to be happening yet. Annoying though it is, I think Seattle keep it rolling.
Seattle by a score.
SMALL PROGRAMMING NOTE – I’ve had some complaints recently about the number of ‘by a score’s in my predictions. Look at the scorelines, fuckers. The NFL is probably closer (and more entertaining) than ever before. Parity has decreased the quality but increased the entertainment. Very few blowouts happen any more. So there you go. Suck my balls.
Minnesota at Buffalo
Speaking of which….two teams that are a veritable who’s who of top players, yet I’m still not entirely sure how good either side are. Buffalo were shocked by the Jets, whereas Minnesota keep squeaking past bad teams. Don’t take my word for it, here’s a handy graphic:
It’s another tough call, but with Josh Allen active, if slightly less mobile than usual, I’m applying the ‘home advantage tiebreaker’ here.
Buffalo by a…..score. Continue to suck on my balls.
Detroit at Chicago
From a veritable who’s who to a veritable ‘who’s that?’ of professional football. I love that Detroit made me look like a genius last week – if they played like that every week, DB coach would be the safest job in the Michigan area. Sadly, they don’t, and with Fields ascending, I’m taking Chicago here. Maybe Detroit will prove me wrong and show up for four quarters twice in a row, but I certainly ain’t gonna put my neck on the line for it.
Chicago by a score.
Jacksonville at Kansas City
Another team that made me look a genius last week was Jacksonville, who had the Raiders right where they wanted them, 17 points ahead, and came back to win. Thank you, Jacksonville, for your services to ‘pointless fuckin humour’.
Can I pick them this week? No. Kansas City are going to treat them like their ex-players treat their kids and wives. And much like them, they will receive no NFL punishment.
Kansas by two scores plus.
Cleveland at Miami
This game would’ve been a depressing watch even as short as a year ago, but I think this might be sneaky entertaining. Cleveland are looking for a happy ending to the season by trying to stay in contention til their master of happy endings gets back, and Miami might be the most fun team to watch in the NFL at the moment, making both games they should win (like last week) and ones they should lose (v the Bills) must-watch. I think it will be similar this week – a close game, but Miami will pull it out.
Miami by a score.
Houston at NY Giants
I have a whiff of ‘upset’ in my head here, especially with the Giants injury troubles, but surely off a bye they can keep it going. Brian Daboll is the greatest illusionist since David Copperfield, as he’s somehow managed to make Saquon Barkley, Daniel Jones and a bunch of a replacement level players 6-2. If he carries that on, Giants fans will be building him a statue, or possibly showing their devotion even further.
Houston? Meh. Who cares. Davis Mills and a whole lot of nothing. The NFL could go back to 31 teams and no one would notice.
Giants by two scores plus.
Denver at Tennessee
U G L Y this ain’t got no alibi…
A tough-to-watch-at-the-best-of-times Tennessee offense versus that Denver defense, then Tennessee versus Denver’s grade-school level offense? Has an NFL game ever finished 0-0?
I’ll take Tennessee, but don’t make me watch it.
Tennessee by a score.
New Orleans at Pittsburgh
I remember when people thought both these teams were going to keep rolling behind Jameis Winston and Mitch Trubisky.
People are idiots.
I reckon New Orleans takes this one, just because I think there’s a bit more hope there than there is in Pittsburgh right now. I love Olave, and if Kamara keeps getting away with whatever’s happening, they can somehow generate points despite starting essentially myself at Quarterback. But for the love of god, letting Dennis Allen coach you is beyond parody.
Pittsburgh….I dunno, go watch the Penguins or something. The next year or so is going to hurt, because you can’t really draft, and Tomlin isn’t as good as painted.
New Orleans by a score.
Indianapolis at Las Vegas
While writing this, I often play myself some music. A choice line from Rancid, who I love…
‘This ain’t no Mecca, man, this place is fucked.’
I won’t even post the mocking Tobias meme this week. The Raiders are fucked and sliding towards the abyss. The only thing that should save them this week is that they’re playing a team where the lights have long since gone out, and 2 of the top 3 decision makers in-game have little or absolutely no coaching experience. This isn’t the US Senate, you can’t show up with some goodwill from your playing career, say a few things your fans like to hear, and expect things to go well. (Georgia, vote Democrat in the runoff).
As for the Raiders….I dunno, lose this, and I’d probably leave McDaniels in the casino. Sometimes, when everyone else tells you what to expect, you’re not the smartest men in the room when you ignore it.
Vegas by two scores, but not 17 points, or they’ll blow it.
Dallas at Green Bay
Mike McCarthy revenge game?
Probably. I’ve not seen a QB work so hard to get his coach fired in my life as Rodgers seems to be doing with LeFleur. Reading his love-in with McCarthy this week was hilarious after watching The Immunised One throw him under the bus for the previous 5 years.
This is probably the only time I’ll ever want Dallas to win a game, and I think they will. Fuck Rodgers, Fuck the Packers, Fuck Joe Rogan, and fuck Pat McAfee while I’m at it. Stop giving this complete moron a platform, especially while he’s on a losing team, to complain about his team-mates when he’s at least half of the problem. Are you going to have Derek Carr on next week?
Dallas by a score.
Arizona at LA Rams
At writing time, no Murray or Stafford here.
No party.
I guess it’s John Wolford (Attorney-At-Law) vs Colt McCoy (it IS his time of year…)
Who wins? I’ve no idea. I think when teams are shorn of their better players, it comes down to coaching. Sorry, Arizona. Hire someone who’s not a college OC at best, and I might be able to pick you.
LA Rams by a score.
LA Chargers at San Francisco
This should be a superb game, as it’s two exciting offenses, two good defences, and two teams that need the win.
I’m up til 4am though, and it’s the Niners in primetime, so it’ll probably be shit.
I also hate Brandon Staley, so I’m pretty sure I know what’s going to happen here.
The only thing that lets me down more than the 49ers are my own legs.
Chargers by a score.
Washington at Philadelphia
Man, I would love Philly’s schedule if I was any other team in the league.
Easy win for Philly, they’re going to get more unbearable…
As for Washington, just hang on, better days are ahead. I feel for Ron Rivera, who I actually think is coaching pretty well, but anyone who convinces themselves Carson Wentz is the answer is asking the wrong question.
Philadelphia by two scores plus.