“Today I feel Qatari, I feel Arab, I feel African, I feel gay, I feel disabled, I feel a migrant worker.”
Gianni Infantino
I get it. This tournament shouldn’t be happening, not in the winter, not in the middle of the season, and definitely not in Qatar, but the football gravy train keeps-a-rollin’, and we might as well have some fun with it. It’s the sometimes-irrelevant but always irreverent cranky predictions!
The Groups
Group A – Netherlands, Senegal, Ecuador, Qatar
This wasn’t a bad one to start with, to be honest. The Netherlands, who somehow find a way to miss a tournament here or there, are easily the best team in this group, and should win it easily. The only question in this group is 2nd place, since Qatar’s appearance is the most pointless at a World Cup since Theo Walcott – even if they offer more money than the Los Angeles Lakers to fix games. I’m taking a more-adapted Ecuador over a Senegal team shorn of Sadio Mane.
Prediction: Netherlands, Ecuador, Senegal, Qatar
Group B – England, United States, Wales, Iran
Okay, so now I have to decide, in order:
What my home nation will achieve
Whether I believe that I believe that I believe that the USA will win
What Wales can do with the reanimated corpse of Gareth Bale
Whether it is indeed ‘up the ‘ran’.
I have to tell you, it’s not blind optimism causing the pick here. I think England are sinfully boring and about to waste one of the best generations of attacking talent they’ve had to pick from in years. But they’re in a shit group, and surely they can’t fuck it up. Expect us to bore our way to a quarter-final again.
The US? I have no idea. On paper, they should probably be 2nd, but if any national side knows how to have all the advantages and still fuck it up, it’s the United States. They’ll need a result against England or Wales, and Rob Green isn’t playing for us, so it could be a tough one.
Wales are an interesting squad – they lack quality in comparison to the first two, but I have a feeling their spirit will carry them through. The key will be the USA game – get off to a good start, and anything can happen for this group. And hey, your manager is no longer a coercing abusive fuckwit who writes terrible poetry, so you’ve already won.
Iran look to be the group whipping boys, although a glorious 0-0 draw with England should keep the Ayatollah in power and leave them to many more years of victimising women in relative silence. The modern, developed world, eh?
Prediction: England, Wales, USA, Iran
Group C – Argentina, Mexico, Poland, Saudi Arabia
Some groups, like the former, take a long time to explain my reasoning. This doesn’t – read the top line for my prediction here. Messi and his backing group should take the group easily, and I’m taking Mexico over Poland, which is basically Lewandowski and 10 other people. The Saudis are just making up the numbers, and hopefully they don’t have me beheaded for saying that, while 60,000 Newcastle fans chant ‘up the Premier League we go’.
Prediction: Argentina, Mexico, Poland, Saudi
Group D – France, Denmark, Tunisia, Australia
I’ll take ‘busy going out of the World Cup in the groups’ for £50 Alex…
Hard to see past the holders and the Danes here. The Danes are coming off a good tournament previously, and could’ve saved us all from a bunch of coked-up morons invading Wembley if they’d just been a bit better in the semi-finals, while France aren’t due to implode for at least another tournament. The Aussies will add a certain flavour to the tournament – probably barbecue sauce – and Tunisia might surprise, but this is a pretty easy one.
Prediction: France, Denmark, Australia, Tunisia
Group E – Spain, Germany, Japan, Costa Rica
This is more like it – a proper World Cup group. Two superb teams, a team that might surprise, and a complete wildcard. I think there’ll be some really entertaining games in this group and maybe some surprise results. One-time goliaths Spain and Germany have had to undergo some pretty severe rebuilding over the last few years, but there’s a feelgood factor around both Luis Enrique and Hansi Flick’s teams that I think will carry them through. It’s Herr Flick’s lot I see topping the group, but only after some fun watching Japan nick a surprise draw or two and Costa Rica cause chaos.
“You may put ze Thomas Muller on, Helga”
Prediction: Germany, Spain, Costa Rica, Japan
Group F – Belgium, Croatia, Morocco, Canada
Fuck me, this World Cup is weird. What the hell are Canada doing here? Did their entry for the Ice Hockey World Cup somehow come flying out in this draw like the Goblet Of Fire? Does Mustapha Hadji still play for Morocco? In all seriousness, there’s some interesting games in this group. I do hope our trans-atlantic buddehs can acquit themselves well, and Morocco are one of those mystical teams one only sees at the odd World Cup, but surely Bobby Brown-Shoes Belgium and the creaking remains of a great 2018 Croatian team go through here?
Prediction: Belgium, Croatia, Canada, Morocco
Group G – Brazil, Switzerland, Serbia, Cameroon
Brazil and three teams fighting over the scraps. Even though Brazil left out one of the world’s best players, Roberto Firmino (suck my balls, if you don’t rate Firmino, you’re a Tory), they should coast this group. The Swiss had a pretty good Euros, Serbia combine a dodgy defence and great attack, while Cameroon are looking down the back of the sofa for Roger Milla.
Tough pick, but I’m gonna back the Serbs to go through with Brazil. Have at it, Mitrovic, ye mad cunt.
Prediction: Brazil, Serbia, Switzerland, Cameroon
Group H – Portugal, Uruguay, South Korea, Ghana
Ronald Trump’s football emporium rolls into town in Group H, and while all right-thinking football fans should be hoping the permatanned twat is too distracted by Piers Morgan deepthroating him to get Portugal through, it’s hard to not see them come out of this group.
I don’t have them winning it, however, as I can’t wait to see Suarez, Cavani and Nunez up front for Uruguay. In footballing terms it’s a Chernoybl – needlessly explosive and complicated, but as long as you’re not in range of it, it should be an interesting watch.
Korea will try and ride some of their great individuals to a result or two, but I don’t think they’ve got the quality at the back to get them through. Ghana are an average side riding the talents of Mohammed Kunus, and if Portugal blow up, that might be all they need. This is probably the hardest group to call in the sense that there’s no consistently good side in it – so on that basis, I have to take the tournament-experienced teams to go through.
Prediction: Uruguay, Portugal, Ghana, South Korea.
“I’m a bitch I’m a lover I’m a child I’m a mother I’m a sinner I’m a saint I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell I’m your dream I’m nothing in-between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way”
Presumably also Gianni Infantino.
The Knockouts – 2nd Round
Netherlands v Wales
Wales did great to get here, but I think it ends at this point. Netherlands have something about them this World Cup, and it’s the last chance for players like Van Dijk. Sheer experience and quality take them home.
Netherlands
Argentina v Denmark
This would be an enjoyable tie. Argentina’s individual brilliance against the Danes organised teamwork. Denmark have more than enough about them to pull this off, but I’m backing Argentina when it comes down to it. I look and see Messi and Martinez up front, and I think this might be their best chance to fulfil their potential – and Messi’s last.
Argentina
England v Ecuador
Ah, the traditional England first knockout round matchup, where they beat a country best known for being the title of a fucking Sash song, and yet somehow the country still goes into meltdown.
0-0 at halftime – calls for Southgate to be sacked. 2-0 at full time, and everyone’s putting the bunting out. Have a fucking day off this time.
England
France v Mexico
Poor Mexico. They’ll never catch a break in World Cup knockouts. This time they get the holders, and despite witch doctors, bribes, Benzema being injured, and who knows what else, they still can’t quite kill France. Either after extra time or penalties, just for the extra heartbreak.
France
Germany v Croatia
Croatia’s great spell finally ends – the Germans will take them out here, and everyone will realise that beating them 2-0 in the Euros just ultimately made them stronger. I like this Germany team and squad, and if the goals are going in, they’re a real threat.
Germany
Brazil v Portugal
As Lemar might have said, if there’s any justice in the world, Brazil heal their 7-1 humiliation by Germany from 2014 by doing the same thing to Portugal, leaving Ronaldo like anyone unfortunate enough to come into contact with him in American hotel rooms – screaming, crying and humiliated. #ProsecuteRonaldo.
Brazil
Belgium v Spain
I think this is a step too far for this Belgian side, and I really like this Spain side. Easier pick than it ought to be on paper.
Spain
Uruguay v Serbia
This game, compared to some of the ties, will absolutely not get any fanfare, but might actually end up being a better game. From what I’ve seen of both sides, attack is basically their only form of play, so this could be entertaining. I’m taking the three chaos merchants to pull Uruguay through.
Uruguay
“Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart”
Cristiano Ronaldo. Or is It DOnald Trump?
Quarter Finals
Netherlands v Argentina
A game and rivalry that never disappoints, and two good sides. This might be the hardest pick I’ve made so far, and I’ve changed my mind most of the way through writing this sentence. The romantic in me is taking Argentina. They’re through to the semis here – can they win it? Well, Messi going out with the World Cup would be perfect, particularly while his great rival is setting his career on fire. Fucking shame it’ll be in the one no one watches.
Argentina
Germany v Brazil
Brazil will suffer from PTSD like Rufus Smalls seeing Germany line up opposite them again, but can they get revenge? On balance….yes, I think they will. I like the Germany side but I think it’s a tournament too early for some and a tournament too far for others. This is the Klinsmann side of 2006, for want of a better comparison. Brazil are in form and have the attacking talent to get at the back line.
Brazil
England v France
As Nigel Farage and Matt Le Tosspot leave their lovenest to brick up the Channel Tunnel, and sales of crossaints fall by 800% overnight, England whip themselves up into a frenzy. Skinner and Baddiel sacrifice a goat to reanimate the corpse of Ian Broudie and the Lightning Seeds, Ross Kemp takes another shirtless selfie, and firecrackers disappear up arseholes. (By that logic, stick one up Rishi Sunak).
Then the game starts, we’re outplayed, outthought, outpassed, and Kylian Mbappe makes Maguire look like he’s in a Greek nightclub. After much cateurwauling, Southgate leaves, waistcoat in hand, as ‘the natural choice’, Eddie Howe, takes over, having succeeded with mighty underdogs Newcastle, after only having had the GDP of a small African nation to spend.
France
Spain v Uruguay
It was fun to watch you, Uruguay, but you can’t keep hold of beauty forever. Unless you marry Karen Gillan, in which case you should probably never leave the house again.
Phwoar. The rest of this article will take a while, I’m typing one handed.
Spain. Or Uruguay. I dunno. I’m busy. No, Spain.
“Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?” “I don’t listen to hip-hop!”
Probably our old mate Gianni again.
The Semi-erect…sorry, I mean, semi-finals
I’m still distracted by that photo.
Argentina vs Brazil
Man, Messi’s run has got to end here, unfortunately. I just don’t think, 1 to 11, that Argentina are good enough to beat Brazil. I’d like to be wrong, as there’s something faintly depressing about Brazil being in a World Cup final, but, I have to listen to my gut.
Brazil
France v Spain
And for Europe’s representative, two exciting sides playing good football. The experience factor goes to france, but the cohesive unit factor goes to Spain. This is a tough pick – just for the sake of everyone, pray it isn’t penalties, or the World Cup will last til Christmas.
Spain
The Final!
Brazil v Spain
Man, this would be a really weird final, wouldn’t it? Entertaining, though. Either Brazil exorcise their demons, or Spain win another big tournament, and Luis Enrique continues his quest to be the best manager who never actually gets any credit for his teams being good. (Look at Barcelona post-Enrique – I rest my case….).
I think, maybe, Brazil just edge it. Spain will come again, but it feels like Brazil’s time to shine, slay the demons of 8 years ago, and lift the grand old trophy once more. The only negative is that people will now think Neymar is the best player in the world.
Still, you can’t win em all.
So there it is! Brazil stand tall, on the bodies of thousands of dead migrant workers, to lift another World Cup. We all go home, then the regular season’s back on, and by June we won’t remember a fucking thing about it. Hey ho, and away we go.
