Washington 12, Chicago 7
When The Athletic notifies you of a touchdown on your phone in the TNF game, it’s probably not too good. A touchdown shouldn’t be as rare as a sighting of Bigfoot.
Anyway, two going-nowhere teams, one won, hardly anyone was still awake. Jeff Bezos continues to light his money on fire like he’s a member of the Bullingdon Club. Next.
San Francisco at Atlanta
I will be making no comment at this time.
New England at Cleveland
The Bernie Kosar revenge bowl. The Browns come off a loss to a Chargers team that seemed to actively be trying to lose (no thanks to Cade ‘Gonna Make The Same Old Balls Of It In Old New’ York) while New England are riding a wave of hope behind an unheralded late-round QB after their big-name acquisition got injured, and….oh God. Save us Cleveland, you’re our only ho-….oh, God.
Turns out those predicting Bill Belichick’s demise as a coach may have been wildly exaggerating. Having coached sub-par talent to the playoffs last year, he’s making a good fist of getting chicken salad out of the chicken shit that GM Bill Belichick has served u-hang on.
Anyway, Browns seem to be ready to flatline, and the Pats are waiting with a pillow over the face. New England takes it.
Patriots by a score.
NY Jets at Green Bay
Two things Aaron Rodgers won’t be getting this winter: his COVID booster and a start in a playoff game. These guys are playing so inconsistently right now, and Rodgers has started his annual media sideshow of possible retirement about 14 weeks and a playoff loss to the 49ers early. An absolute circus, and if I didn’t know better, I’d swear he’s trying to get Matt LeFleur fired. Even the games they’ve won haven’t been good.
Can I really not pick them to beat the Jets, though? Well, the Jets beat up on the hurting Dolphins last week, and a scalp in Lambeau would certainly be a way to ride their wave of momentum, but I dunno. My advice for Robert Saleh – wear a 49ers hoodie. It’ll be kryptonite to the Packers.
Packers. Just. One score in it.
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Jacksonville had a chance to prove they were a half-decent team again last week by handling their business against the Houston Seminary….unfortunately they fell down three flights of stairs while helplessly shitting themselves.
Matt Ryan, on the other hand, is probably a couple more hits from doing that himself.
I don’t mind picking this game, just don’t make me watch it.
Indianapolis staves off execution another week, by a score.
Minnesota at Miami
I wish Tua was healthy, as this would be such fun to watch. Alas, he isn’t, so I don’t think it will be. Minnesota look pretty well-coached and well rounded right now, and are probably dark horses for the NFC North. Miami minus Tua look a lot like Brian Flores’ Miami, and we all know what that means.
Minnesota by two scores or more.
Cincinnati at New Orleans
New Orleans found their offense, by – shockingly – putting in their best QB Taysom Hill and holding off the Seahawks in one of the most entertaining games so far this season. Sadly, Dennis Allen is looking a gift horse in the mouth and going back to Andy Dalton or Jameis Winston this week. On second thoughts, that’s not so much looking a gift horse in the mouth as kidnapping it and shooting it in the head for use in your on-site glue factory. With Landry and Thomas also out, this could be ugly.
The Bengals, meanwhile, didn’t pull up any trees against the Ravens, but hey, the Saints defense isn’t the Ravens. Bounceback time.
Cincinnati by two scores.
Baltimore at NY Giants
Baltimore finally, barely, repaid my faith last week, but still look to be a team narrowly avoiding shooting itself in the foot from point blank range. Worse yet, they come up against their former defensive coordinator Wink Martindale this week – and who better to counter Greg Roman’s one offensive gameplan than someone who’s already read it 17 times before?
Meanwhile, the Giants….okay, guys, you win. I give up predicting you. Daniel Jones has an arm cannon comparable to a water pistol, your defense has more no-names than a COVID protest letter, and your left tackle has more touchdowns than your 1st round pick and big free agent WR, but Brian Daboll might be performing the greatest coaching job in history to have you where he does. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but I think you’re going to keep it rolling today.
Giants by a score. Yes, really. Prepare the bunker.
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh
Battle of the overrated coaches & entitled fanbases. Mike Tomlin continues to compete to prove himself the Aaron Rodgers of coaches (one Super Bowl, inexplicable hype, despite a number of competitive advantages, losing record in the post-season), while Tompa Bay, led by ‘I can coach a defense, therefore I’m obviously going to be a great Head Coach, even though I sucked the first time’ Todd Bowles, continue to flatter to deceive, just edging past Atlanta last week on the worst refereeing call in history.
This is the kind of game that gets a ton of a hype for no reason, and it’ll probably be utter shit. Still, Tampa have to start firing sometime. Don’t they?
Tampa by two scores.
Carolina at LA Rams
An era of mis-Rhule is over in Carolina. Still, I’d write off this season. Your interim coach is Steve Wilks, who was probably one of the worst head coaches I’ve ever seen in his tenure in Arizona. Still, if Dennis Allen and Todd Bowles can be NFL head coaches in 2022, who the hell knows? Maybe the world really is flat, maybe Australia really doesn’t exist. Just run wildcat with McCaffrey.
The Rams are a peculiar lot. They’ve yet to really fire, and now have Cam Akers drama to deal with. They feel very much like a team that reached the mountaintop and have now checked out, especially with the 49ers and Seahawks starting relatively well in the West. I think they’ll get on track this week though.
Rams by two scores.
Arizona at Seattle
Meanwhile, more bad coaching. Arizona has a great defense, being let down by its offense, which is weird when you consider the coach is ‘revolutionary offensive guru’ Kliff Kingsbury, Until you realise it’s Kliff Kingsbury.
Seattle, meanwhile, have a pretty good offense, and until last week, the defense was doing okay. A strange team at the best of times, Geno Smith’s Blink 182-like comeback continues apace. They’ll keep rolling this week, and Arizona will continue to wonder if tying its future to a college offensive coordinator and a baseball player was a good idea.
Seattle by a score.
Buffalo at Kansas City
Game of the week potential written all over this. There’s a number of potential outcomes here, but these are probably the best two teams in the league. Kansas, coming off a win over Las Vegas:
While the Bills come off doing bigger damage to Pittsburgh than a mining disaster. I’m not sure who wins this, but with it being at Arrowhead, I’ma take the home team. However, a Buffalo win, and finally, finally, Buffalo fans, it might be time to stop burning the effigies of Scott Norwood. This could be the year.
There are very few football games that excite me to watch when they don’t involve my team, but this is one. Anyone know why it’s not in primetime but Denver are? Answers on a po$tcard.
Kansas by a score.
Dallas at Philadelphia
Never knowingly out of primetime, this game actually has some fire to it this week. The Eagles are playing well enough to even make Philadelphia happy, while Dallas have somehow replaced one mediocre QB for another, and, shockingly, it hasn’t tanked their season.
Who wins this one then? Again, I have to side with the home team. It’s going to be a long year of ‘JALEN HURTS MVP’ until the Eagles lose in the playoffs, folks.
Philly by a score.
Denver at LA Chargers
Denver in prime-time? Again? I don’t even care who wins this – the bad team, or the team being made to look bad by it’s supremely overrated coach. I think probably the latter, but like most of the audience, I’ll be asleep.
LA by two scores.