This NFL season has got to be one of the most drama-filled, exciting ones for a long, long time. The overall quality seems to be down (there are very few outright top teams with no blemishes – even you, Philadelphia) – but the drama is unparalleled. Last week was one of the most entertaining weeks of NFL football ever.
So naturally, this week….does not look great on paper.
Plus side, this article will get done quicker. Downside…Redzone might be less fun.
Let’s get going!
Thursday Night Recap – Tennessee 27, Green Bay 17
There’s almost nothing left of the Packers season at this point. Aaron Rodgers must be counting the Pat McAfee podcast appearances til the end of the season, particularly after losing to a Titans side who are the epitome of winning ugly. Tennessee is well coached, but that’s about where it ends. They’re not going to entertain anyone outside the state. But if you’re winning, who cares?
Chicago at Atlanta
This might be sneaky entertaining – Chicago are quite often fun to watch, even if their offense is basically the Delaware Wing-T at this point, and Atlanta are one of those sublime to the ridiculous teams, sometimes even in the same game. They need a win to stay contending in the awful NFC South, but I have Chicago taking this, in what is probably one of the closer games this weekend.
Chicago, by a score. Suck my balls.
Carolina at Baltimore
Jesus. Is it even worth the travel for Carolina? Don’t get me wrong, Baltimore frequently play down to competition and have the Harbaughian way, much like Jim’s 49ers and Michigan teams, of making games that should be blowouts entertaining, but on pure talent and logic, there can only really be one result. Baltimore, at 6-3, are probably the least talked about good team out there, possibly because when they’ve lost, they’ve lost games they shouldn’t be losing. I wouldn’t necessarily rule out it happening here, but my predictions head has to be sensible. Easy win for Baltimore.
Baltimore by two scores plus.
Cleveland at Buffalo
Cleveland continue to keep their season in a vegetative state, just waiting for Deshaun Watson to emerge from the smoke of the massage parlour like a Stars In Their Eyes contestant. “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be….suspended!”. They probably need a win here to have kept their heads above water.
They definitely have a chance here – the Bills, despite being one of the better sides in the league in my view, have struggled of late, and to make matters worse, they’re being forced to play in Detroit. It’s one thing to voluntarily be there, but imagine being forced to go there, like a Democratic politician on the campaign trail?
It’s tougher than it looks on paper, but I think I’m backing Buffalo to get back on the rails this week. Just don’t call a QB sneak, Ken Dorsey.
Buffalo by a score.
Washington at Houston
Ron Rivera really does not get enough love. Aside from his bizarre desire to trade for Carson Wentz, he’s actually coached and run that organisation pretty damn well in spite of all the cheerleader groping, stadium collapsing, and racist name changing going on around him. They stunned the Eagles last week and I think they’ll keep their momentum going, because Houston are literally the Bishop Sycamore of the NFL.
Washington by two scores.
Philadelphia at Indianapolis
More like Jeff Sunday, amirite? In a result no one could’ve predicted, least of all this fat cranky man typing, Indy raided the lost NFL franchise last week and took down the fast-declining Las Vegas Raiders. Turns out coaching experience and all that don’t really matter, as long as you’re playing the Raiders every week. Problem is, they’re not – they’re playing a smarting Philadelphia team, and I think the feel-good factor’s gonna wear off this week.
Philly by two scores plus.
NY Jets at New England
Okay, so everything points at the Jets here. Fun, young, exciting team, in form, on a good run….problem is, they’re going to Foxboro, and as sure as a Boston man vomits all over himself after a night out at a Red Sox game, the Jets will lay a solid egg of fuck in New England.
The Patriots are somehow a bad-good team. There’s enough there that if they back into the playoffs, they will be a tough out. But they’re tough to watch. Vey tough. They’ll somehow grind the Jets out here though, and we’ll be baffled all over again.
Patriots by a score.
LA Rams at New Orleans
If you’re ever confused by the pace of the NFL, consider that this was an NFC title game not very long ago. I don’t think the two teams could be further from this right now. New Orleans are bumbling through a terrible season with a rotating cast of awfulness at QB and a head coach who shouldn’t be there, and the Rams have a Super Bowl hangover akin to tequila. Matthew Stafford looks like Jared Goff, which is a very odd feeling. But the Rams need this one, and they’re the better team – the only question is if they’ll play like it.
LA Rams by two scores.
Detroit at NY Giants – *UPSET SPECIAL!*
Why the fuck do all my upset picks involve Detroit? WHY DO I LIKE THIS TEAM?! I can’t really explain it, other than these are two teams that seem to love one score games, and the Giants are long overdue a defeat in them. The Lions are on a two game win streak, they have the most dangerous DB coach job in the world, and…I dunno. It’s just a feeling. Forza Detroit. I believe, I believe, I believe that you will win. I believe that you will win. I believe that you will win.
Detroit by a score.
Las Vegas at Denver
The Josh McDaniels revenge game which might single-handedly sink interest in the NFL the season. My god this is going to be awful and painful. Wristband Russ versus the smartest men in the room over in Las Vegas. I’m going to have to take Denver, because that defense is actually pretty good, and I really can’t think of anything good about the Raiders right now.
Denver by a score. Possibly the only score of the game?
Dallas at Minnesota
There aren’t a lot of banner games this week, but this feels quite good. Dallas inexplicably gave life to Green Bay’s season, which I can only assume was McCarthy’s favour to his former employers, while Minnesota somehow beat Buffalo despite only starting to play with about 12 minutes left in the game.
I like Minnesota, and you can’t argue with Dallas’s results. I think I have to take Minnesota as they’re barely the better side, but also at home. If they show up for all four quarters, it’s an easy win, but they haven’t done that all season, so it might be a close one.
Minnesota by a score.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Remember how this game used to mean something? I’m sure it’ll still be gritty and nasty in places, but there aren’t many things more gritty and nasty than having to watch Pittsburgh’s offense. Cinci are still undecided on if they actually want to be any good, but I think they’re easily good enough to knock off this terrible Pittsburgh team.
Cincinnati by a score.
Kansas City at LA Chargers
If the Chargers weren’t having to find defensive linemen at the local YMCA, I reckon this would be a game of the week contender.
Alas, I’m about one more injury from lining up at nose tackle for them. They’re battling manfully though bad coaching and their roster depth being tested, but it kinda has to be Kansas here – they’re surely too good to get dragged into a slugfest.
KC by two scores.
San Francisco at Arizona
Kyler Murray or Colt McCoy, there’s only one winner here. We never beat Arizona, and we certainly aren’t going to do it in high altitude coming off a half-arsed primetime performance last week. I’ll be up til 4am for this one again, and I’m struggling to think of anything I’m looking forward to less.
The Niners have a very good roster and the capability to be explosive on offense. The problem is, their offense seems to be called by Corporal Jones, as Kyle Shanahan is an utter sackless wonder. How you have an offense with Christian McCaffrey, Deebo Samuel, Brandon Aiyuk and George Kittle and still manage to bore the pants off your fans, I have no idea. At least we’re winning, I guess….although not this week.
Arizona by a score. I hate my life.