This could be my crankiest article yet, inbetween my lack of sleep, general pain from my disability (crippledenglishman.com was considered) and annoyance at things from this website. So let’s get on with it, I don’t have all day.
Buffalo 24, New England 10
It was fun when everyone thought that Mac Jones was the ‘most pro-ready’ QB in the draft, wasn’t it? As usual, it just goes to show that most draft ‘experts’ or even ‘experts’ in general are mouthy blowhards without even a slight clue. To be fair to Jones, it’s extremely difficult to look good when your offense is being run by two failed head coaches who were pretty average coordinators FOR A DIFFERENT SIDE OF THE FUCKING BALL.
Buffalo finally got the ship righted. They still seem a long way from what I thought they were a few weeks ago, and I’m not sure how they get back there, but it’s certainly not signing Odell Beckham Jr. That’s like getting a puppy when you have OCD.
Pittsburgh at Atlanta
Wow, what a banner matchup. Do the players’ immediate families even care about this one? Pittsburgh won the Monday night switch-off game last week against Indy (currently coached by a high school coach), but sorry, Pittsburgh, you’re still woeful. Fortunately, you’re playing a team from the NFC South, the NFL’s special bus. Who the fuck knows what will happen here, and more importantly, who cares?
I’ll take the better coached team, which, surprisingly, is Pittsburgh. There’s not many times standing on the sideline looking cool in shades makes you the better coach (which is basically Tomlin’s entire overrated career), but he’s against Arthur Smith. I’m not even sure Arthur Smith actually exists.
Pittsburgh, by a score. And yes, I said by a score. Suck my balls.
Denver at Baltimore
Oh man, how is the worst-Harbaugh-brother-who-somehow-has-the-Superbowl-ring gonna fuck this one up? Hey, John, I know your problem: it’s Greg Roman. Remember how he turned the most dynamic athlete at QB in NFL history into a mediocre pocket passer? He’s trying to do the same thing again. My advice to you is: don’t let Lamar read any political history books, and give Greg Roman’s number to the Stanford boosters.
Denver are still, hilariously, collapsing. Mike Purcell confronted Russell Wilson on the sidelines last week. Until then, most people probably didn’t know who Mike Purcell was. I do. He was a mediocre defensive lineman on a terrible 49ers team I endured watching many years ago. This is the best thing he’s done in his career, and it was probably a catharsis for many years of losing to his ‘run around and heave’ style of play, which is the only reason people even know Russell Wilson is these days, and why he’s not something else most thick-as-fuck Christian evangelist football players become when their career flatlines – a Republican Senate candidate.
I expect Baltimore to get out of their own way long enough to win this. Just.
Baltimore by a score.
Green Bay at Chicago
Much as I would love Chicago and it’s Wing-T offense to beat Green Bay, it can’t be realistic, can it? At least they’re fun to watch. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers bravely immunized himself against all his injuries last week to grind his team to a heroic 7 point loss to the Eagles.
Unfortunately, everyone with a lick of sense still thinks he’s an utter cunt.
Fuck it, Chicago, I’m picking you. Do it for the vaccinated, non-Joe Rogan/Pat McAfee cocksuckers. Please. Fuck the Packers.
Chicago by a score.
Jacksonville at Detroit
This is a game I actually can’t write anything too cranky about, as I actually begrudgingly enjoy both teams. Jacksonville got a deserved win last week over the Ravens, and the Lions once again forgot the length of a football game against Buffalo. I think this could be sneaky entertaining, and as I’m finding it tough to pick, home team advantage rules. Up the kneecap-biters.
Detroit, by a score.
Cleveland at Houston
(Return of the Mack) come on
(Return of the Mack) oh my God
(You know that I’ll be back) here I am
(Return of the Mack) once again
A 90’s classic by Mark Morrison there. According to Wikipedia, Mark Morrison ‘was convicted of affray for his part in a brawl resulting in one fatality and sentenced to community service. Morrison later was incarcerated in Wormwood Scrubs for a year for paying a lookalike (Gabriel Maferika) to perform his court-appointed community service in his stead, while Morrison himself went on tour.’
And you know what? I’d probably still take his legal history over Deshaun Watson’s.
Anyway, Deshaun Watson is back, and there’s the rub. And there. And there too. Oooh. Anyway.
The Browns are playing the Texans. Literally no one cares. I’d have a wank while it’s on except it would probably be seen as some sort of twisted support for Watson.
I expect the Browns to win, and Houston should probably hand their franchise back to the league and, I dunno, let Medicine Hat, Canada, have a team or something.
But I’d love Houston to win, because fuck sexual abusers and those who enable them. Sadly, if you’re going into battle with Houston on your side, it’s like taking a pea-shooter to a Panzer tank.
Cleveland by two scores, at least.
NY Jets at Minnesota
Finally, a good game, at least on paper. What a grim death of football those first few games look like. Minnesota got the train running again last week, beating Bill Belichick and his Amazing TecmoBowl Offense, whereas the Jets finally worked out that a guy who sounds like he works for City Hall would be a better quarterback than the Republican mom-shagger, Zach Wilson.
This week, I’ve got to take Minnesota. I don’t mind the Jets, and White will hopefully at least be able to generate something with that offense behind him (the same one that got Jimmy Garoppolo paid and gave Nick Mullens an NFL job), but Minnesota are just better, all over the field.
Minnesota. Two scores.
Washington at NY Giants
This could be sneaky good, I think. Both teams need the win – Daboll’s magic seems to be running out in NY, and Washington are demonstrating the value of a good coach, by somehow being a game behind the Giants (who have a coach widely tipped for Coach Of The Year – not unfairly), despite having an awful roster, crumbling stadium, and racist owner. I fuckin’ love Ron Rivera, man. He’ll probably never hit those Super Bowl heights again that he did in Carolina, but is there a better man to make an absolute shit-show look respectable?
Anyway, a winner….eeesh. Sorry, Giants fans. I love you, but I think you’re running out of illusions.
Washington, by a score.
Tennessee at Philadelphia
Ooh, now this is good. Tennessee, a solid, run-heavy team, against the Eagles, who for all their great play this season, have shown vulnerability against the run.
Why is Indy-Dallas SNF again?
Anyway, great game, two well-coached teams, which means will definitely, or should, be close. However, it’s December, in Philly, so I have to think home advantage rules again. Dammit. Someone stop Philly.
Philadelphia by a score.
Seattle at LA Rams
I’m not sure who the Rams are starting at Quarterback this week, but I think Madden are making it into next year’s story mode. Meanwhile, the romantic story of the year, Geno’s resurrection against all the odds, is starting to undergo a difficult third act. Weirdly, this is a big game for Seattle, as the Niners have a tough game, and they’re only a game behind in the division. As the Rams are currently showing an admirable commitment to NFL parity by tanking to make the Lions’ pick in this draft better, I’m taking Seattle. Unfortunately.
P.s, pity poor Matthew Stafford. He finally gets out of Detroit, wins a Super Bowl, then suffers enough brain damage to become a resident of Detroit. RIP.
Miami at San Francisco
I feel like this one game will answer many questions.
Is Tua that good? Hell, are Miami?
Can San Francisco actually put together and score some points with all their offensive weapons?
Is San Francisco’s defense genuinely Super Bowl level?
Is Kyle Shanahan a ginormous pussy in big games?
This game would be hard enough to pick if I wasn’t a Niners fan. It has real game of the week potential, and several plotlines. I can’t deny how good Miami are, the Niners secondary and d-line are hurting, and with my entirely sensible head on, I’d be picking them. However, it’s time for me to become Maxwell Cranky Englishman for a second.
Speaking as a Niners fan, I hope Nick Bosa spears that gobshite Raheem Mostert into the turf. This fucking guy, man. A career special-teamer before he came to San Francisco, Shanahan turns him into one of the best outside zone runners in the league, then he whines about his contract and spends the best part of 2 years out injured, one of which was entirely by his choice. Fuck you, you absolute wet wipe. You sat on your ass getting paid by us for not playing when we needed you. Kyle Shanahan plus the worst Packers defense in history is the only reason people even know who the fuck you are. Without that, people would play Madden thinking you were some sort of auto-generated running back. And you want to come out and mouth off about how badly the franchise treated you? ‘Oh, I was misquoted’? – what, by people repeating your actual words? Have some spine.
Fuck Miami, man. Go Niners.
Niners by a score. Hopefully thrown by Jimmy Garoppolo after Raheem Mostert fumbles. In the 4th quarter. With Miami leading. Fucking come on.
Kansas City at Cincinnati
Whew, I feel better. I think this might be a good game too, and you can never complain about seeing Burrow v Mahomes, especially if Burrow has Jamar Chase. Unfortunately, Kansas look like the cream of the NFL right now – they haven’t looked this good since they held Nick Bosa in the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl.
Anyway, I think KC are better, and that means a win for them. I hope the Bengals put up a good fight though.
Kansas City by a score or two.
LA Chargers at Las Vegas
Wow, the battle of the overrated coaches. PFF’s darling Brandon Staley versus Mussolini in athletic gear. Might need the valium to keep me calm for this one.
Anyway, the Chargers are a far better team, badly coached. The Raiders are a bad team, badly coached. All the best.
Ps there were Raiders fans telling me they were going to make a Super Bowl run in April. They’re now rebuilding, apparently. Life comes at you fast.
Chargers by a score.
Indianapolis at Dallas
Well, the Jeff Saturday train is off the tracks, and Dallas are great, unfortunately. Sometimes I like to write a lot about a minor game, but it doesn’t seem worth it for this one. I have no idea why this is in primetime, unless the NFL is trying to set fire to their TV deals.
Dallas blowout.
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
This is a weird one. I thought Tampa were on their way back up, then they fell down the stairs headfirst shitting themselves against the fucking CLEVELAND BROWNS. Anyone who didn’t think Bruce Arians was the brains of the operation is surely now realising just how wrong they were. Todd Bowles sucks, and Byron Leftwich? You should’ve took a head coaching job when you had the chance – you’ll be working for Nick Saban soon enough.
The Saints gave the Niners a good game, but didn’t score, and therein lies the rub – while you have Andy Dalton, you’re onto a loser. If the Saints had a QB and a Head Coach, they’d be quite threatening. But then again, if me aunt ‘ad balls…
Tampa by a score.
Sayonara, fuckers. x