Yeah, sorry, I don’t do:
- Things on time
- Thursday night game predictions
- Football at 2:30pm in the afternoon.
If it helps, I’m sat here watching the Vikings and Saints game and writing this is preferable to watching it. If I wanted to fall into a coma, I’d drink the Domestos I bought yesterday.
Later edit: Holy shit, these guys wanted to make me look stupid. Quite an ending.
In the Thursday game, the Bengals continued to show some life, getting a good win over the Dolphins, who are probably at this present moment looking for signs of life from Tua, and hoping that Stephen Ross has still got some brown envelopes stashed away. Cincinnati might have some life after all following the 0-2 start, which is good for those of us who like Joe Burrow (including myself). Miami have hit a speedbump, and unfortunately, Tua’s head’s bounced off it. I like this Dolphins team, they’re a lot of fun, but for a variety of reasons, they’d better hope and pray that Tua makes it back safe soon, or they’re going nowhere.
Cleveland at Atlanta
Speaking of going nowhere, the Factory of Sadness plays the Creator Of Comebacks in a game no one outside their own family must care about. I’ll take Atlanta because they’re at home and I have to pick someone, but I can’t see me spending tons of time paying attention here.
Atlanta by a score.
Buffalo at Baltimore
This should be fun. Two of the best teams in the league, even if Baltimore are trying to downplay themselves with some bizarre play. I was minded to go with the home team here, as the Ravens are often formidable at home, but I somehow like the smarting Bills to come roaring back here. I’ll be disappointed if this isn’t high scoring.
Buffalo by a score.
Washington at Dallas
Ugh. Dallas, who will somehow let themselves believe that beating the Giants and Washington back to back means they’re going to the Super Bowl.
Dallas by two scores.
Seattle at Detroit
I’m beggin’ ya, Detroit. A football game HAS FOUR QUARTERS. And Dan Campbell, what the fuck, man? All the bravado, kneecap chatter and testostorone, and you kick a field goal on 4th and 4 when a first down ices the game? After spending the whole game going for it on 4th down? Goddamn it, man, you’re faker than Andrew Tate. Still, you’re at home here, so you should win this one, and you’d better.
Seattle? Start scouting college QBs.
Detroit by a score.
LA Chargers at Houston
Even decimated by injuries, surely the Chargers win this one? Houston are spiky, and I really like me some Davis Mills at QB, but they shouldn’t be anywhere near LA on this one. The AFC West isn’t having a banner year so far, with all four teams looking various levels of incompetent, and the Chargers falling victim to my upset special last week against Jacksonville, so LA needs to get the train back on the track before it’s too late.
Chargers by two scores.
Tennessee at Indianapolis
I’ve read a few times that Indianapolis are favourites here. I don’t get it. Yes, they’re at home, and Frank Reich did keep the active shooter from the door last week with an improbable win over the Chiefs, but I can’t see anyone but Tennessee here. I might be giving them too much credit for beating an awful Raiders outfit, but it looked like they’d vaguely discovered themselves again.
Tennessee by a score.
Chicago at NY Giants
Hard to pick a winner here as I don’t know which 2-1 record is more of a mirage. I like the Giants coaching, hate their roster, and their o-line borders on criminally negligent. Meanwhile, Chicago is partying like it’s 1949 (#outlawtheforwardpass). Home team advantage rules here, but it’ll be ugly, and not just in the stands.
Giants by a score.
Jacksonville at Philadelphia
This could be a sneaky-good game. Jacksonville aren’t tremendous by any means, but they do seem to be competently coached, and Trevor Lawrence is holding up the ‘generational QB draft’ of a year ago all by himself right now. Meanwhile, Philly, in an annoyance to anyone who has ever met an Eagles fan, actually look pretty good. I still have my doubts about them potentially being a paper tiger, but you can’t argue with what’s happening out there. I think they’ll keep it rolling this week.
Philadelphia by a score.
NY Jets at Pittsburgh
A much-lauded historical team with a QB issue…and the Jets. I’ll stick my neck out here and take the Jets, which might look ridiculous in the morning, but I’d rather look back at this pick than the Pittsburgh offense. Give me Kenny Pickett or give me death.
Jets by a score.
Arizona at Carolina
Two of the worst coached teams in the league collide and hilarity ensues. One (probably) has to win and preserve their coach’s job for another week. I have to take the more talented side, so unfortunately, well done Arizona.
Arizona by a score.
New England at Green Bay
Man, this game used to mean something.
It doesn’t any more. Watching the Patriots is like watching NFL Films from a more innocent time, where you could heat your homes, pay your mortgages, and the right wing was something David Beckham played on. Alas, it’s 2022, I’m freezing, skint, and Aaron Rodgers wants to suck Joe Rogan’s dick.
Green Bay in a blowout.
Green Bay by two scores. At least.
Denver at Las Vegas
Despite that, I have to take the Raiders. I can’t in good conscience take a Denver side who barely beat my own terrible team.
Raiders by a score.
Kansas City at Tampa Bay
A Super Bowl rematch, but neither of these teams are the same any more. That baby-eating finally caught up to Skeletor Tom Brady, and Kansas City misfired like Alec Baldwin on a movie set last week. Who fixes themselves first? The more talented, better coached team, silly.
Kansas by a score.
LA Rams at San Francisco
I…don’t care. Just don’t make me watch Jimmy Garoppolo any more.
Rams by two scores. Fire Shanahan.