Well, we’re back again, and I even have a slight spring in my step this week.
Why, you may ask?
Let’s get right to it, shall we?
Indianapolis 12, Denver 9
There aren’t many things in my life that would make me feel sorry for Jeff Besos, but paying $80m for that shitshow is certainly one of them. Two absolutely putrid teams, and what’s worse is my team contrived to lose to one of them. Russell Wilson, fresh from one too many knocks to the bAcK (thanks Tua), and unable to heal himself with his smart water, has now started quoting Churchill. Here’s one for you, Russell:
Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that, if the Denver Broncos last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their shittest offense.’
NY Giants at Green Bay
Fun fact, my Dad hates Americans. Why is this relevant? It’s not, except that the reason he dislikes them so much is that he met the vast majority on the years we holidayed in the Caribbean. The moral of the story? Countries export their worst. Americans abroad in hot countries, the English in Ibiza, and the somehow 3-1 Giants and the flatlining Green Bay Antivaxxers, Who wins? who cares? Surely the Giants can’t keep this smoke and mirror show on the road for another week.
Green Bay by a score.
Pittsburgh at Buffalo
An easier prediction than ‘what will happen if the police lets right-wing lunatics gather outside the Capitol right after an election?’ – Pittsburgh might have Kenny Pickett now, but Kenny Powers couldn’t save them here.
Buffalo by two scores, at least.
LA Chargers at Cleveland
Assuming the Chargers can shake off the shock of moving from beautiful, picturesque LA to play in grey, depressing Ohio, they’ve more than enough to handle the Browns.
LA by two scores.
Houston at Jacksonville
I feel like this game is going to tell us a lot about Jacksonville, since if they somehow contrive to lose to one of the worst NFL rosters ever assembled, all the positives of the first four weeks don’t mean shit.
Davis Mills, blink twice if you want to be rescued.
Jacksonville by a score.
Chicago at Minnesota
Ooh, a mediocrity bowl so early in the season! Chicago’s 1970s offense meets a city last relevant in the 1980s when Prince and the Replacements existed. On the field, Minnesota are surely too much for a Chicago team having more trouble finding their identity than a robbed tourist in Barcelona.
Minnesota by a score.
Detroit at New England
Hold the mediocrity bowl! We’ve got a Matt Patricia revenge game! Bailey Zappe plays Jared Goff in a game for all the Scrabble players worldwide. If Detroit loses this one, the fans will be setting fire to whatever’s left to burn in the city. Thankfully I think they can put the kerosene away for a week. I think Jamal Williams will have to run til his legs fall off, but they’ll win.
Detroit by a field goal, probably.
Seattle at New Orleans
Badly coached team with a terrible QB plays a team everyone thought was going to be a badly coached team with a terrible QB, but who are actually good. Surprisingly, Seattle can’t stop anyone, but I expect that changes this week. Seattle scores a huge road win and somehow the Geno Smith comeback story continues. Upset special? Maybe.
Seattle by a score.
Miami at NY Jets
While Tua sits at home laughing at MacGruber, even though it hasn’t been on his screen for 3 weeks (deffo not concussed, though), Miami lays an egg in New York. Mike McDaniel is well familiar with making mediocre QBs look average (*cries in Jimmy Garoppolo and Nick Mullens*) but the Jets are actually playing pretty hard now and I can see them taking this.
Jets by a score.
Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Tom Brady has a longer list of injuries than an extra in a Jared Leto music video.
That said, it’s only Atlanta, and surely the Bucs can’t stay average forever.
Fire the cannons, and get Brady’s Tinder profile set up.
Tampa by a score.
Tennessee at Washington
The Commies defence can’t stop anyone (remember Vietnam, lads), and Derrick Henry seems back to his best, whereas Tannehill seems back to his average. Good enough for an easy win here I think.
Tennessee by two scores.
San Francisco at Carolina
I don’t care if we have 11 Deebos out there, if you think I’m gonna predict my team will win a very obvious game they should easily win, you’re off your head.
I’m just hoping for this again.
Philadelphia at Arizona
Trendy, overhyped running QB and team from last year play…trendy, overhyped, running QB and team from this year?
While I still have doubts about the Eagles against some actual competition, this week isn’t it. Kliff Kingsbury continues to be the worst coach this side of Final Destination, and Kyler Murray is crying somewhere in his room playing MLB: The Show, wondering what could’ve been.
Philadelphia by two scores.
Dallas at LA Rams
One of the most underreported stories of this season so far is just how bad that Rams offense is. Turns out, when everyone knows you have one major threat, it’s quite easy to shut them down. Has Sean McVay read The Jordan Rules? He probably should.
I have a bias towards home teams, I think, when I do these predictions, but in LA, home advantage means nothing. Dallas are a peculiar team, being quarterbacked competently. I like them to take this one, but they’re still Dallas, so who knows.
Dallas by a score.
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Baltimore have gone full Harbaugh/Roman, including last weeks inexplicable collapse against the Bills. I still think they’re a great team, but they’re playing down to their competition, and their all-world QB can only play above the constraints of his OC for so long. Trust me, I’m a 49ers fan from the Kaepernick/Roman era. Let’s see you blame this one on Nessa, Greg.
Cincinnati are a strange side, but seem to be on the upswing. Enough of an upswing to beat the Ravens in Baltimore? Who knows, but I have to make a call somewhere, and maybe I’m going to the well once too many times, like the person in a relationship who’s been let down three times already, but I’m backing Baltimore at home.
Baltimore by a score.
Las Vegas at Kansas City
I don’t care if you won a game against a horrible team, you still suck.
Chiefs by two scores.