Another week, another early NFL game, another quicker picks article. Let’s go!
Porter Versus The World (66-60, 9-4 last week with 4 correct margins)
A very good week and I’m nicely in credit now. The Ravens looked like the best team in football (will it last?), whereas my belief in Houston, Minnesota and Cincinnati in tight games was nicely born out. The only major surprises that I got very wrong were largely down to Miami’s machine-gun offense turning into a pop gun against KC, and the Raiders experiencing post-Patriots euphoria in absolutely folding the execrable Giants.
What about this week?
Chicago 16, Carolina 13
The NFL have honestly defrauded Amazon by making them pay so much for shitty games like this, and should probably be investigated by the SEC. I don’t think there’s a lot to say about this game, other than I quietly admire Chicago for managing to find ways to win occasionally in spite of their roster, quarterback and general coaching talent. Meanwhile, it seems like Carolina is ready to run Bryce Young out of town, but, well, not so fast, dear friends; I don’t think Steve Young could succeed in this setup. Frank Reich is looking like a horrible hire.
Indianapolis (4-5) vs. New England (2-7)
This is probably the worst atrocity perpetuated on Germany since the Dresden bombings. I’m astounded that Indy are 4-5, although it probably helps to play some of the shit they have so far this season. They can be fun, and dear god will they ever have to provide it against a New England team that has a strong argument for being the worst team in the league. Belichick continues to sound like he will go out in disgrace, at least from New England, if not the league. He may be one of the best coaches of all time (Bill Walsh is the greatest, suck my balls), but time waits for no one, and he’s increasingly looking like his mentor Bill Parcells, marooned on an island of old football thought while the world turns around him.
Indy, one score.
Cleveland (5-3) at Baltimore (7-2)
Ooh, this is a cool game. I’m quietly impressed with the Browns, even if they are proving that they should never have paid Deshaun Watson all that massage money, whereas the Ravens have a strong case to be considered the best team in the league, if not currently by record. I keep waiting for another Ravens letdown game like they had against the Steelers, but I’m not seeing that coming this week. Cleveland’s defense keeps it close – I think – but the Ravens are a buzzsaw right now.
Baltimore, one score.
Houston (4-4) at Cincinnati (5-3)
Okay, I really love Houston – I think Ryans is coaching his ass off, and Stroud is probably one of the most fun players to watch in the league right now, and combining with a Shanahan-style offense and Tank Dell is helping him put up some insane numbers – buuuut, I can’t take them here. Cincinnati are looking dangerous after a poor start, and at home, I think they’ll just have too much, but I’m looking forward to seeing this.
Cincinnati, one score.
San Francisco (5-3) at Jacksonville (6-2)
My boys need this one, but with a defense stuttering more than Gareth Gates singing Umbrella, Trent Williams still likely out, and everyone tossing themselves off over Purdy struggling without 3 of his best players for the last two weeks, it’s an avalanche of things going against the Niners. I also really like Jacksonville, and they’re at home, so, sorry boys, we’re going down, down, in an earlier round.
Jacksonville, one score.
New Orleans (5-4) at Minnesota (5-4)
Wow, it’s a shock to me that both these teams are 5-4, largely because Minnesota started horribly and are now starting Josh Dobbs at Quarterback, and New Orleans’ best receivers keep trying to go to jail rather than have Derek Carr throw to them. I like Minnesota as an overall team more than New Orleans, and they’re at home, so I’m backing them to succeed here and keep up their positive momentum. I will caveat this by saying New Orleans’ defense has played well all season, and shutting down a guy who’s been in Minnesota for 10 days wouldn’t be a huge shock. Still…
Minnesota, one score.
Green Bay (3-5) at Pittsburgh (5-3)
GB’s record is what the Steelers’ should be. The big story this week is that George Pickens is unhappy. In other news, the sky is blue. I’m sorry, I just don’t care about either of these teams or this game, neither is going to be a threat in January, but I’m sure the Steelers probably win it, as they’re at home, and Green Bay have yet to develop the spine and mentality to win on the road.
Pittsburgh, one score.
Tennessee (3-5) at Tampa Bay (3-5)
The quality of these games is dropping off at an insane level – these are two teams largely slopping around going nowhere. Will Levis at least gives Tennessee something to shout about, but against Tampa’s defense, it might be a tough one for him. Usual Cranky picks rules apply here – when in doubt about two average sides, pick the home team. Tampa wins.
Tampa, one score.
Atlanta (4-5) at Arizona (1-8)
Quickest pick of the week. Even Arthur Smith can’t lose this one. Can he?
Atlanta, two scores plus.
Detroit (6-2) at LA Chargers (4-4)
Here we go again, Detroit. You’re proving yourself again, and this is a game you have to win. You’re playing an inconsistent and floundering Chargers team. I’m picking you to win. Try not to let the side down. Imagine playing a game on Thanksgiving that means something! Imagine playing in January! You can do it! Come on!
Chargers fans? I love watching your QB, but I refuse to take your franchise seriously until you fire that gibbering idiot of a head coach.
Lions, one score.
NY Giants (2-7) at Dallas (5-3)
“Giants aren’t in primetime, Giants aren’t in primetime, la la la la…”
Right, okay, New York. For every time I’ve defended you, for every time I’ve said Daniel Jones is OK, for every time last year I put up Daboll for coach of the year, and for every time I pick you in spite of the fact you’re starting a Goodfellas character at QB, beat Dallas.
OK, you won’t, at all, but I had to try. Can Tommy Devito become the second most famous guy with that name? I doubt it. Dallas can’t manage a clock at the end of the game, and Dak Prescott is the 2020s Tony Romo, but they’ll have enough here to beat a Giants team circling the drain.
Dallas, two scores.
Washington (4-5) at Seattle (5-3)
Despite the reasonable closeness in records, this is a falsehood. Seattle got shown up last week for not quite being the Ravens, but then, few are. They are, however, a good team with a good defense who should have more than enough to beat the Commanders, who are basically treading water between being good and being bad, not unlike their new owner’s former team, the 76ers, before they started to trust the process….
Oh god.
I’m so sorry, Washington.
Seattle, one score.
NY Jets (4-4) at Las Vegas (4-5)
And in the blessed name of Elvis well I just let it blast
‘Til my TV lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbing the almighty peace
Judge said “What you got in your defense son?”
“Fifty-seven channels and nothin’ on”
Bruce Springsteen
Who cares. Also, who the fuck is choosing primetime games? I’ll take a buoyant Raiders, because Antonio Pierce does this mad thing and talks to his players like human beings, and shock of shocks, they seem to like it.
Raiders, one score.
Denver (3-5) at Buffalo (5-4)
Ha, christ. It should be Buffalo, it should be Buffalo easily, and if it isn’t, then Buffalo’s season’s basically over. I’ll take desperation winning out, which is what I’d be doing if I was American and this was my primetime viewing.
Buffalo, one score.