Well, it’s nice to be here again. It’s even nicer not to be rushing this week, now that the London games are over for another year. Is the year flying for anyone else?!
Let’s take a look at last week.
Porter vs The World (45-41, 9-5 last week, 6 correct scores)
I had a nice week there, only preventing myself from something much better by backing the Titans (???) and Chicago (??????????), while the Niners, Seahawks and Eagles were all favoured and let me down, which pisses me off for two reasons – 1) I’m a San Francisco fan, and 2) the Eagles losing was still somehow hilarious. Still, I’m in credit for the season now, and seem to be growing into it. I got a lot of correct margins too, particularly the average bowl (Washington-Atlanta) and the delusion bowl (Vegas-Pats), but the awfulness of Buffalo-NYG (the worst thing to be put in primetime since the launch of the Challenger) robbed me of more success.
Lets see how I do this week.
Jacksonville 31, New Orleans 24
Look, Jacksonville, I gotta level with you. Your owner’s an alleged coke addict running a 90s efed as a nationally televised wrestling promotion and I fucking hate that DUVAAAAAAAAAAL shit. But you’ve got a good young team and you’re finally hitting your straps on offense. Doug Pederson is a pretty good coach and you’ve got the talent to go pretty far. At 5-2, and 2-1 in the division, you should be playing playoff football. Make it count.
New Orleans….I mean, god. 3-4, a head coach out of his depth, and this cap and QB situation:
Kudos on the worst use of a cap since John Lydon’s MAGA hat. I dunno what to say. If you’re hitching your wagon to Derek Carr, you’re fucked.
Detroit (5-1) at Baltimore (4-2)
This is really intriguing, two pretty good teams colliding – we need more games like this, especially after the snoozefest last week. I really love Detroit at the moment, and they’ve met almost every challenge coming their way, whereas the Ravens seem largely to challenge themselves, despite having the roster to easily wipe the floor with certainly their division if not the league! I’m taking Detroit in a close one because, fundamentally, I think they’re a better team and more likely to play at their level.
Detroit by a score.
Las Vegas (3-3) at Chicago (1-5)
From the penthouse to the outhouse. Vegas should be winning this, but they’re still starting Brian Hoyer, whereas Chicago are starting a guy I’ve literally never heard of. You could be in witness protection and be a backup QB for Chicago. I have to take Vegas just because…well, honestly, how can they not win this one?
Oh, right, yeh.
Vegas, one score.
Cleveland (3-2) at Indianapolis (3-3)
I got a pretty good look at Cleveland last week, and while they’re not spectacular, they’ve a really good defense – the concern is being able to move the ball enough to trouble whoever they’re playing. Indy, though, have their own problems – with Anthony Richardson out, there’s very little reason to get behind this team, and I’m not taking them here, as I think Cleveland will – just – do enough for a road win.
Cleveland, one score.
Buffalo (4-2) at New England (1-5)
Records aside, I strongly believe New England are the worst team in the league right now, so there’s no way I’m taking much time over this pick. Buffalo worry me as they’ve shown a tendency to play down to their competition constantly, but they’ll surely get it right here.
Buffalo, two scores plus.
Washington (3-3) at NY Giants (1-5)
Jesus, I was feeling optimistic when these picks started with that great Baltimore-Detroit game. At least this isn’t in primetime I suppose – but with the Giants o-line still being put together by Billy Beane, I’m gonna have to take a pretty average Washington side again. This would put them up to 4-3, which seems so odd for a team with a negative net points difference, but they’ve had the incredible advantage of playing some absolute shite at the right time. It’ll probably get Eric Bienemy a coaching job.
Washington, one score.
Atlanta (3-3) at Tampa Bay (3-2)
The overrated bowl! 3-2 plays 3-3, and neither team is worth a single shiny shite. Tampa finally did what they threatened to all season last week and stunk, whereas Atlanta show the worst use of potent weapons this side of the evening news. I don’t honestly know who or what to take here, I think it comes down to Tampa Bay’s defense shutting down an already-wasteful Atlanta offense and Baker Mayfield somehow doing enough to convince people he’s still a viable NFL starting QB (he isn’t) off the back of it, so I’ll take Tampa on that basis, but it’s not a good game.
Tampa, one score.
Pittsburgh (3-2) at LA Rams (3-3)
Lemme take the team that’s actually got an offense from this century. I don’t care about the Steelers enough to dissect once again why Mike Tomlin is the most overrated coach in NFL history and this team sucks. The Rams, on the other hand, have been better than advertised, and despite starting the office interns at running back, they ought to handle this piss-poor Pittsburgh side easily.
LA, one score.
Arizona (1-5) at Seattle (3-2)
I think Arizona must be one of the most fun 1-5 sides in history – they always seem to be producing some offense, even when they’re otherwise getting blown out, and we must always thank them for that hilarious win over the Cowboys. Let’s be real though and take Seattle, who should be far too good for them, but they’ve shown a disturbing tendency to play down to their competition so far this year.
Seattle, two scores plus.
Green Bay (2-3) at Denver (1-5)
Oh my lord. Jordan Love’s Packers vs Brian Clough’s Leeds…
Fine, I’ll pick. Just don’t make me watch it. Denver is on fire and still burning, if the Packers can’t win this, they may as well ask Brett Favre to stop defrauding the residents of Mississippi and strap the pads back on.
Green Bay, one score.
LA Chargers (2-3) at Kansas City (5-1)
Come on now.
I can’t possibly pick LA in a close game until they fire that PFF-pumped charlatan in the head coach’s booth, and certainly not against Reid and Mahomes. Nah. I’m sorry, Justin Herbert, you deserve more than this. I am for real.
KC, two scores plus.
Miami (5-1) at Philadelphia (5-1)
This should, on paper, be brilliant, except it kind of feels like one mirage is going to be shattered. Is Miami’s video game offense going to cover for their defense – again – or are the Eagles going to actually play at the level their record suggests they’re at? Basically, what I’m trying to discover is – are Miami on the verge of another second-half of the season collapse, or are Philly just the team that lost to the Jets last week? We might not get an answer here, as I think Philly edges a close one.
Philly, one score.
San Francisco (5-1) at Minnesota (2-4)
This should be easy – my boys are obviously the better team, and I’ve given Minnesota enough shit this season to last a lifetime. Still, with Deebo and Trent Williams out for the Niners, and it being a tough road game no matter the records, it won’t be easy. I’ll back Purdy, Kittle and hopefully CMC against a poor Vikings team, but god help us if Kirk Cousins beats Shanahan, Mike Florio will go on about him becoming a Niner for the next decade.
San Francisco, one score.
Wish me luck…