FREEEEEEEE PALESTINE….
Bah bah bah…..welcome to the NFL picks for Week 6. I thought my own commitment would doom these articles being done every week, turns out it’s just the silly little threat of impending nuclear war. Ah well. Let’s see how I’d be doing if the world stopped today.
Porter versus The World (36-37, 6-7 last week, 4 correct scores)
Bleh. My faith in Baltimore and New England was massively misplaced, whereas I was unlucky with the Bills and Texans among others. Also, why the fuck did I pick Denver? The one saving grace is that when I got it right, I generally got the margin right, just missing out on correct margins with the Eagles by a point, and the 49ers by a I-couldn’t-possibly-have-predicted-my-own-team-to-win-by-that-many-haha-fuck-the-Cowboys.
But what about this week?
Kansas City (5-1) 19, Denver (1-5) 8
I’m not sure if Kansas really is this poor, or whether they just play down to the level of their competition. Maybe they just don’t like Jeff Bezos. Has there been a single good game on a Thursday night since Prime took over the deal? Contact me if you can remember one, because I can’t.
Meanwhile, Sean Payton’s reign of error continues in Denver. He’s a much better coach than this, but it’s all starting to feel very ‘Brian Clough at Leeds’-esque. Time will tell if the Denver owners back him or whether this is an upcoming humiliation for one of the otherwise more successful NFL coaches.
Ohh, Russell Wilson, you are a bloody disgrace! Missing the target from there, you want bloody shooting!
Baltimore (3-2) at Tennessee (2-3)
Ugh, I really don’t want to watch this or pick it. Baltimore are playing down to their opponents level so much that the fucking Steelers, with an offense from the 1970s and an XFL quarterback, top the division, whereas the Titans are so poor to watch week in and week out that they should be under some sort of broadcast ban. Regardless, they’ve not lost at home yet, and I’m sick of being let down by Baltimore. Tennessee win an ugly one.
Tennessee, one score.
Washington (2-3) at Atlanta (3-2)
Hard to know what to pick here, the overhyped offense with the poor QB, or the….well, anyway. Atlanta added Van Jefferson in a trade this week, giving Arthur Smith another weapon, although that offense is an atrocity on the level of Gaza, and the weapons are about as misused. He’s a strong contender for the worst coach in the NFL, given that team’s talent level. Meanwhile, Washington kind of exists as it has and likely will for many years yet, in the Ron Rivera vortex – they’re neither good, bad, or indifferent. If I’m making a pick, I’ll take them, just because I always expect Atlanta to be a let down.
Washington, one score.
Minnesota (1-4) at Chicago (1-4)
Outdoors, in Chicago, against Minnesota, in mid October. You could not pay me enough to watch this, two poor sides in the freezing cold. The Bears may actually be on the up, having won last Thursday and honestly being pretty competitive the Sunday prior, and but for a dumb call, they’d be 2-3 right now. I’ll take them here, because Minnesota is circling the drain hard, and I really have no idea where they’re going as an organisation.
Chicago, one score.
Seattle (3-1) at Cincinnati (2-3)
The Bengals found something last week, finally, to record a win, but they have a myriad of issues to work out. There’s probably not many tougher games right now than Seattle, who are looking pretty solid all round – they’re on a three game win streak and scoring for fun. As a Niner, it pains me, because they’ll be snapping at our heels all year, but I’m taking them here because they’re just flat out better right now.
Seattle, one score.
San Francisco (5-0) at Cleveland (2-2)
The starting QB for the Browns.
Another big win for my boys last week, and even as Micah Parsons continues to scream ‘that’s the real quiz’ into the ether for the fourth time in a row (Dak’s thrown a shoe to a free safety, what have you done?), we must take credit for blowing out the paper tiger that is the Dallas Cowboys. And hey, that guy named Purdy played another flawless primetime game. But he’s small, and white, and wasn’t taken in the first round, so he can’t be good, right?
This week is actually a tough challenge, bad conditions in Cleveland and a Browns defense that’s playing well. The saving grace might be that the 49ers defense is facing PJ (and Duncan) Walker, who honestly sounds computer-generated. I’ll take us, because we’re the better team, but it’ll be a classic 49ers ‘let them hang around’ game and could go either way.
San Francisco, one score.
New Orleans (3-2) at Houston (2-3)
Houston just failed me last week, losing late to Atlanta in a game they ought to have won. The Saints failed me by existing as a pro football team despite being absolutely excruciating to watch. In fairness, they’ve a good defense, and CJ Stroud will have a nice challenge here, even as he does look like the best of the rookie QBs in the NFL. This might actually be a sneaky good game, and I’ll take Houston, as I’m really enjoying the job DeMeco Ryans is doing there.
Houston, one score.
Indianapolis (3-2) at Jacksonville (3-2)
I don’t know why, but I feel like this game just takes place once every couple of weeks and we all just don’t notice. A divisional fight between two similar teams, although the Colts are undoubtedly worse off for not having Anthony Richardson. On that basis, and the fact they’re capable of so much more than they show every week, I’ll take the home team, but it’ll be close, I feel.
Jacksonville, one score.
Carolina (0-5) at Miami (4-1)
Christ. I haven’t picked a game yet that hasn’t been ‘one score’, and I can already hear the comedians that are some of my readers hilariously ribbing me about it. But then a hero comes along, or in this case, the Oakland A’s of the NFL, against a team with a high powered offense. A Bo Jackson Tecmo Bowl scoreline will be in the offing here. Sorry, Carolina, I really do like you, but this isn’t the week.
Miami, two scores plus.
New England (1-4) at Las Vegas (2-3)
The Delusion Bowl! I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t care. New England have had far too much faith from me and been a consistent, complete, total, letdown – Belichick the GM is getting Belichick the coach fired, and it’s honestly quite sad to see a career end this way. Meanwhile, the Raiders are eternally the Raiders, and while it wouldn’t shock me to see them find a way to lose here, especially given Belichick’s propensity to beat his proteges, I’ll take them.
Raiders, one score.
Arizona (1-4) at LA Rams (2-3)
This will be a fun game – two unheralded teams who are putting up points and fun every week, but don’t seem mega-likely to trouble the playoffs. It’ll go under the radar, but I’ll take the Rams, in a fackin shoot-aht.
LA, one score.
Philadelphia (5-0) at NY Jets (2-3)
Ok, Jets fans, you’re playing hard for your coach, and you’ve won when I’ve not picked you to. Fair enough. Now get off my lawn. Philly, for whatever reason, aren’t playing anywhere near their best level, but they keep doing enough to win, and it won’t change this week. These picks are shorter because there’s less to consider in games like this – Philly are just better, and the Jets don’t have the luxury of playing bad teams every week to pad their record.
Philadelphia, two scores plus.
Detroit (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-1)
On paper, close. In reality, while Tampa has an excellent defense and is probably good enough to claim the NFC South, their offense is horrible and is ultimately still led by Baker Mayfield. Some things you can’t overcome. Detroit, meanwhile, damn, it’s a good football team, built exactly in Dan Campbell’s image – tough on both sides of the ball, always willing to fight for a win, and Ben Johnson’s play design and offensive wizardry gives them enough flash to not be predictable. We can worry about next year and Johnson not being there when it comes to it, Detroit. Enjoy this. You’ve earnt it.
Detroit, two scores plus.
NY Giants (1-4) at Buffalo (3-2)
WHY IS THIS IN PRIMETIME?!
Last I saw, the Giants couldn’t even field an offensive line in 7 on 7, so let’s just give this up, eh. Whoever keeps scheduling the Giants in prime time should lose their job.
Buffalo, two scores.
Dallas (3-2) at LA Chargers (2-2)
While it’s fun to laugh at Dallas, always, this is two overrated teams colliding, but one’s clearly better than the other, and surprisingly, it’s the team who got crushed last week. Dallas wins this going away, and the Chargers really need to start considering what they’re going to do next, because Brandon Staley ain’t it, and this roster deserves better.
Dallas, one score, because let’s face it, the Chargers always keep it close before letting everyone down.