“I’m the Boogeyman! And I’m comin’ to getcha…if you can’t write this article in 30 minutes!
Hello, hello, hello! I have a very short time window to write this article, so let’s get the fuck on with it.
Porter vs The World (30-30, 16 correct scores, 10-5 last week, 3 correct scores)
A great week pulls me to .500 on the year, and but for a couple of tight games (Indy and LA and Carolina-Minnesota in particular) falling my way it could’ve been even better. Not many correct scores, though, as some teams (Commanders, Jets) were better than expected while many (Steelers, Miami, Atlanta, New Orleans) were much much worse, even if in most cases I got the winners right. In other news from the week, the Bengals are on life support, and it looks to me like Belichick’s career is going to end in infamy. Let’s talk about this week.
Chicago 40, Washington 20
It really is bizarre to think that with a better 4th down call last week, we’d be talking about Chicago being 2-3 right now, especially since everyone seems to want to meme them to death. A deserved win over an extremely confusing Washington squad should at least lift the gloom for a while. Not sure if this is a thin sliver of light between the two chasms of darkness, or a genuine sign of progress, but one thing is clear – Justin Fields can play. Just how much is up to Chicago now. As for Washington…it’s time to sit down and think about who and what you want to be. Do you want to be the team that’s pushed the Eagles close this season, or the one who laid an egg here?
Jacksonville vs. Buffalo
The second London game brings two of the NFLs best young quarterbacks not named Brock Purdy into the limelight. Sadly, only one of them is really performing – Jacksonville really seems to be playing within itself given its talent level, whereas Buffalo shook off a pretty terrible start to the year to look exactly like the team everyone thinks they are. I can’t not give them this game looking at how both sides are playing.
Buffalo by two scores or more.
Houston at Atlanta
Ooh, nice to start the ‘real’ slate of games with an upset pick. Houston are playing hard every week, and took apart an execrable Steelers team whos coach should be fired last week. This week, they take on an execrable Atlanta team whos coach should be fired. Roll on, Houston. And sorry, Atlanta fans, but anyone who can take those offensive pieces and make it look like that is committing a war crime. Fire Arthur Smith before it’s too late.
Houston, one score.
Carolina at Detroit
I really do feel for Carolina, as they haven’t been particularly bad in any game so far, yet can’t seem to close them out. A large part of this might be their Moneyball roster, which seems to have the depth and talent of an expansion franchise, with one or two green shoots of recovery. They do look like a well coached side, but they’ll be no match for a buzzing Detroit, and boy does that seem an odd sentence to write. We truly are in a new NFL era, folks.
‘Frankie Luvu!’
‘WHO?!’
Detroit, two scores plus.
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Ugh. Ugly game. Ugly teams. Hopefully Anthony Richardson can liven it up. Tennessee were less bad than the Bengals last week, but that ain’t gonna be the case every week. Indy are actually pretty fun, but clearly inexperienced in places. Keep going, boys.
Indy, one score.
NY Giants at Miami
A team that can’t play defense or offense versus a team that can’t play defense. In the kingdom of the blind, a one eyed man is king. There’s none so blind as them what won’t listen. I don’t know, who cares, blow the Giants up and start again. What’s that? You’re tethered to Daniel Jones? Oh.
Miami, two scores plus.
New Orleans at New England
Not much chance of much entertainment here – New Orleans is a dreadful team getting by on it’s defense, whereas the reanimated corpse of Bill Belichick prowls the sidelines in New England, cursing Bill Belichick the GM for giving him such a fucking dreadful roster. Neither of these teams is troubling the playoffs or frankly, worth watching. Watch Redzone instead. I’ll give it New England, because they’re at home, but don’t bet on this either, both teams suck and I genuinely have no idea who wins.
New England, one score.
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
At what point do Pittsburgh’s struggles get pinned on Mike Tomlin? They’re consistently mediocre every year, yet he and his coaching staff, bar Matt Canada, who will be on a few bonfires in Pittsburgh if he’s still there in a month’s time, get off the hook somehow. This team is bad, Kenny Pickett is bad, and you really need to start evaluating what to do next. Baltimore have similar issues with mediocrity, but are generally beating who they should beat. You’d hope Pittsburgh will put up some fight here, but Baltimore should win.
Baltimore, two scores plus.
Cincinnati at Arizona
Arizona gave a pretty spirited effort in going down to the Niners, and are up for pretty much every game. Credit has to go to Jonathan Gannon for what he’s getting out of relatively little out there in the desert. Cinci, meanwhile, are for some reason falling to bits. I’m taking Arizona here in what could probably be described as an upset, if you hadn’t seen either team play yet.
Arizona, one score.
Philadelphia at LA Rams
We’re all having some fun with the Rams, who are much better than advertised, but I can’t back them to knock off Philly here. Philly aren’t anywhere near last seasons imperiousness, but they’re still finding ways to win. I think they’ll do it here in a closer game than many anticipate.
Philadelphia, one score.
NY Jets at Denver
Does anyone care? I don’t. Take the better coached team, or the one not starting Zach Wilson, but don’t feel good about it.
Denver, one score.
Kansas City at Minnesota
This shouldn’t be particularly close, as Minnesota has been very poor and Kansas are pretty much still exactly what they were, but they do have a tendency to play down to their opponents, and it’ll be a tough road game for them. Again, closer than expected, but house rules here at Cranky Englishman are that the better team generally wins, and that’s KC. I’m not sure where Minnesota is going as a franchise right now, and Jefferson turning down a contract due to their uncertain situation sure isn’t going to help them.
Kansas, one score.
Dallas at San Francisco
Predicting this game is very, very difficult for me, as I’m a 49ers fan who despises Dallas. Putting my neutral hat on, both sides have padded their records by playing some bad teams in the opening four weeks, although you can only beat what’s put in front of you. I expect this to come down to two run games against one another, and with Christian McCaffrey in the form he’s in, I’m going to back my boys, just, but it’ll be an uncomfortable Sunday night for me.
San Francisco, one sc-….hey wait, what’s that?
Okay, so this will make this article late, but I’d just like to continue my bi-weekly callout of fucking morons in the NFL sphere, up to and including myself. Steven Ruiz of The Ringer has thrown his journalistic credibility in the toilet this week with the latest hysterically bad hot take over Brock Purdy. Asked if the 49ers could win the Super Bowl with Purdy, he responded as below:
I genuinely do not understand the cognitive dissonance that Brock Purdy brings out in NFL journalists. I just don’t. I’ve said it all in my prior rant on Mike Florio two weeks ago, but Brock Purdy is very obviously an NFL quarterback, and a pretty good one. If your cognitive dissonance is so strong that you are picking SAM FUCKING DARNOLD! , an NFL draft bust on his third team, as a potential Super Bowl winning QB over Brock Purdy, your eyes are just seeing what you want to see and you’ve lost your ever loving fucking mind. It’s OK Steven, it’s OK. I’ll have your job at The Ringer in February. See you then.
Green Bay at Las Vegas
Man, I was feeling better, then you made me pick this game. How is this a MNF game? Two pretty bad teams who are getting pretty badder by the week – I can only assume its because it’s the Devante Adams bowl, which will make it all the more amusing when he’s traded back to Green Bay in two weeks time. As for a winner, most talented team wins again, so bad luck, Vegas.
Green Bay, one score.