Jenna Fischer there, giving me the strength to carry on, but also showing what my picks aren’t.
Let’s do it again…
Porter vs The World – 13-17 (10 correct scores)
Better this week than last (but still in the losing column with 7-8), with the same number of correct scores, I once again cost myself some easy points by not backing my own team (who, as usual, shellacked the Rams, once McVay’s ADHD meds wore off), putting faith in the wrong teams in the rust belt (Cleveland, Detroit, I’m looking at you), and continuing to back Sean Payton’s coaching acumen in spite of the evidence of my eyes and ears.
I got some things right but the score wrong – New England’s defense was excellent, the problem is, they still had to play with Mac Jones at QB – while I got some of the tighter games (Baltimore, KC, New Orleans) right. I’d pat myself on the back for having Dallas to blow out New York, but anyone with two working eyes could’ve come up with that one. More on the Cowboys later. Anyway, new week, new us?
San Francisco 30, NY Giants 12
San Fran played in the weekly Thursday night snoozer this week, which stops my pessimism costing me an easy pick win. We managed to shake off our usual malaise in short week games to beat a pretty dreadful looking Giants team. That didn’t stop fucking morons like Bill Simmons and Mike Florio castigating Brock Purdy, of course:
Also, Mike Florio insists that Brock Purdy can’t be a franchise QB…because his name’s Brock Purdy. I’d probably suggest to him that people called Mike Florio should stick to writing terrible books about organised crime and maybe leave NFL analysis to people with a fucking brain. Mind you, he has a huge website to peddle his shite and sell his books. I have this. Mind you, knowing this guy has an NFL journalism career and gets to sit opposite an actual good journalist like Peter King every week makes me think that if I can just keep this going long enough, I’ll also get paid to say stupid shit on video.
In all seriousness, the Brock Purdy discourse to me is baffling, and not just because I’m a 49ers fan, which I fully admit to. Here’s a guy who’s won almost every game he’s played in which his elbow hasn’t exploded, he regularly completes passes and runs the offense on schedule, usually is good for a few TD passes a game, and makes very few mistakes. I hear the argument that he’s a ‘system QB’, but newsflash, every QB in the NFL is a fucking system QB. Even Patrick Mahomes is a better player for playing under Andy Reid. To be honest, I don’t know what Purdy has to do, beyond not be short, white, and play for the 49ers, to stop being scrutinised at a macro level week after week. The dude can play the game, and no, maybe he doesn’t ‘win a shootout’, but good teams don’t get into them. Just the Chargers. The worst coached team in the NFL.
Anyway, rant over, let’s do some picks.
Indianapolis at Baltimore
Indy are more fun than expected, largely due to Anthony Richardson, but with him out, his evolved form in Lamar Jackson should easily take this one, especially at home. It’s a shame Richardson is going down the Tua route, because he looks like an exciting player, if not a well rounded one. In a week where former Coltys QB Andrew Luck reappeared in public life, bizarrely dressed as a Twitter parody version of himself, it’s just as well Indy have something to hang onto to prevent the onset of PTSD.
Imagine showing this to a Colts fan who’s been in a coma since 2012.
Anyway, probably an easy win for Baltimore.
Baltimore, two scores.
Tennessee at Cleveland
Two teams I can’t make head nor tail of, which is usually a sign of impending pick disaster. I have no idea if Tennessee are very good (my guess is no), but they outlasted a terribly-coached Chargers team last week. Meanwhile, the Browns, as is tradition, shat themselves against the Steelers, despite the Steelers offense being from the 1960s. I think I have to take the better coached team here, but that’s not high praise, neither of these teams is troubling the playoffs in their current guise. Watching Deshaun Watson’s flatlining career arc is a masterclass in Cleveland being Cleveland.
Tennessee, one score.
Atlanta at Detroit
Two more unknowns – Atlanta has defied some pretty terrible offensive scheming (which, considering their coach is an ex-offensive coordinator, is bizarre) to be 2-0, whereas Detroit are either the team who beat Kansas, one of the best teams in the league, or the team that lost to the Seahawks, who were starting XFL players on the o-line. This game will tell us a lot and nothing about each team at the same time, as even in beating one another, they don’t necessarily prove they’re a good side. Picking a winner isn’t easy, but I’ll take Atlanta’s weapons against a porous Detroit secondary, assuming they can get them firing.
Atlanta, one score.
New Orleans at Green Bay
New Orleans might be the shakiest 2-0 in the league – they’ve not been convincing in either game (a net points of 4 but a 2-0 record is insane and probably not sustainable), but you can only beat what’s in front of you, and they’ve padded their record nicely. Going on the road to an inconsistent Green Bay team will be interesting, but I think this Packers side is growing quite nicely into an interesting outfit, even if they should’ve won last week. They’ve got the quality to bounce back here.
Green Bay, one score.
Houston at Jacksonville
I picked Houston last week to upset Indy, and they couldn’t get it done. They’re playing a far better team this week, and it should be an easy one for Jacksonville, who are probably still rueing last week’s failure to take their chances and land KC a 0-2 start. They’re still a good team though and it should be an easy bounceback.
Jacksonville by two scores plus.
Denver at Miami
Denver have really let the side down in losing two winnable games to start the year. They’ll keep this close, but it’s hard to call this winnable, because Miami are, quietly, building something quite special, even if their defense is a little shaky. They’ve been fun to watch for a year or more now, but they need to turn it into something tangible. Prove yourself to me today, Miami, and start 3-0, win a home game you should be winning, and the sky’s the limit.
Miami by one score.
LA Chargers at Minnesota
The Chargers are a heartbreaking waste of talent. Brandon Staley is one of the worst coaches in the league and should be on the hot seat, if only for squandering one of the best young QBs in the league in Justin Herbert. They have a terrible mentality, consistently failing to pull out the win in tough situations and losing close games, and on the road in an increasingly cold Minnesota, I expect that to continue. Minnesota, despite having more faults than the tectonic plates on the west coast, are due a close game win, and should do enough here.
Minnesota, one score.
New England at NY Jets
One of the worst games of the week, which you wouldn’t have been predicting in the offseason. That Jets team is the biggest example of a curate’s egg you’ll ever see, and the good part tore his achilles. Surely New England, even with their increasingly archaic offense, aren’t losing this one. Belichick can still coach – witness his stifling of Miami last week – but it increasingly feels like the modern game is passing him by. They have to win here, or I think we really are seeing the end of one of the best coaches in NFL history.
New England, one score. It should be more, but that offense is awful…
Buffalo at Washington
Buffalo finally lived up to my billing last week in blowing out the hapless Raiders, while Washington went to an astonishing 2-0 by hanging on against Denver. I have to take Buffalo as they’re just a better team all-round, but credit ought to go to Washington, who are making something out of a pretty terrible roster. I’ve always liked Ron Rivera and I’m pleased that he’s doing what seems to be a good coaching job there.
Buffalo, one score.
Carolina at Seattle
Well, you have to say Seattle – they’re facing adversity and winning. Carolina is going through what we call a developmental season, which means a lot of pain and not much winning. They were unlucky against New Orleans, but given that was one of their best chances of a win, it could be a long long year for them.
Seattle, two scores plus.
Dallas at Arizona
There’s no question in my mind Dallas will win here and the hype will go into overdrive. You can only beat what’s in front of you, but anyone booking a Superbowl party in Dallas probably ought to look at the terrible teams they’ve beaten so far before getting too hyped up. Bigger tests are certainly ahead, but it doesn’t hurt to be facing them when 3-0, which they undoubtedly will be. Arizona have fought bravely in both games so far, but haven’t come up with the W. The biggest positive might be that they’re generating some offense, so at least they’re fun to watch, and law of averages suggests if you generate that many yards and points, you’ll win one eventually. Not this week though.
Dallas, two scores plus.
Chicago at Kansas City
It’s hard to imagine a worse time for Chicago to play Kansas City than after this week, which contains a plotline that Murder She Wrote would think was farfetched. I hope they create a siege mentality from the adversity and put up a good fight, but, yeah, good luck fellas.
Kansas by two scores plus.
Pittsburgh at Las Vegas
Christ. I don’t know, I don’t care. All I know is whoever loses this game is going to be very introspective for the week following. Vegas laid an egg last week against Buffalo, whereas Pittsburgh are 1-1 despite being historically bad on on offense. I don’t like this pick, I don’t like who I am, but I’m going to take Vegas at home, as if they can’t win this, questions really need to be asked.
Vegas, one score.
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
I respect Tampa for being 2-0 while acknowledging their lack of chances in this one. If the Eagles offense gets going, I don’t see Tampa keeping pace, which is going to be a problem for them all year. If their defense can have a big game they’ve got a chance, but it’s asking a lot, even at home.
Philadelphia, one score.
LA Rams at Cincinnati
This is a difficult one, as the Rams are still an unknown, having played the 49ers close and edged out the Seahawks, but Cincinnati have been, for want of a better word, atrocious. They do frequently climb out of poor starts to have successful seasons, but they’re really stretching that definition this year. It’ll be an upset, but I’m taking the Rams, who have put better play on tape so far this season. It’s crisis time in Ohio, but then again, it has been for about 50 years.
LA, one score.
Have a great week 3, y’all.