Happy Quarterbacking Monday NFL fans…
I thought I’d take a look at all 32 teams in quickfire fashion after the first two weeks of the season – just enough time for the Week 1 overreactions to die out, but a decent sample size to wonder what teams might be the rest of the way.
An addendum; I write this in full knowledge that the Titans, Bills, Eagles and Vikings still have to play tonight, but if I delay it any longer, I’ll never write the damn thing. So, without further ado, here we go. We’ll go NFC-AFC to keep it interesting, if it ever was in the first place.
Arizona Cardinals
Kliff Kingsbury continues to try and find ways to lose games for the Cardinals, and almost succeeded twice in two weeks with a hilarious piece of bad coaching, taking a delay of game following a timeout on a two-point conversion(!). Then again, maybe with his lack of ability to call plays from inside the 5, it was a good idea after all….?
Baltimore Ravens
I love Lamar and that offense. I hate a defense that conspires to one-on-one Tyreek Hill with no safety help with the game on the line. Meanwhile, it seems John Harbaugh is heading the way of his brother in terms of his actual coaching skill versus the hype. Mind you, at least he has a Super Bowl in his back pocket, even if he did need a holding call or five and deer antler spray to achieve it.
Atlanta Falcons
The object of an NFL game is to score more points than your opponents.
Just checking you know that.
Sadly blowing a huge lead (we’ve not seen that before) and just falling short of an improbable comeback (erm) don’t earn you anything in the NFL. To be fair, given their roster and cap limitations this year, they’re doing about as well as expected – they aren’t suddenly going to find Oregon Marcus Mariota lurking somewhere. I did hear on the broadcast yesterday a reference to the players ‘playing hard’ for Arthur Smith, which is usually something you hear right before they get themselves fired.
Buffalo Bills
Week 1’s Super Bowl winners, often a dangerous position to be in. Still, they look about as loaded as they ever have, and should be well positioned to make a run this season. It’s still wild to me as a long-suffering 49ers fan that Ken Dorsey can call an aggressive, entertaining offense. Certainly no one who watched his noodle-armed bullshit at QB could’ve predicted that.
Carolina Panthers
In a week where the UK waited patiently for the inevitable death of something that had been coming for a long time, I felt sympathy for the Panthers. The Matt Rhule era desperately needs euthanizing as soon as possible, along with the grab bag of quarterbacks brought in to compete for a starting job absolutely no one in their right mind could want. Who wants to pilot a plane that’s already heading down?
Cincinnati Bengals
Ohio is for lovers, and apparently, bad offensive linemen.
You have to be pretty bad at scouting and pro personnel to invest money and somehow have your team get worse. Then again, under Mike Brown, maybe this isn’t a huge surprise.
Remember the stat about how hard it is for the losing Super Bowl team to get back to the playoffs, let alone the big game? Good, because I don’t – although I know how bad the record usually is. The Bengals look poised to continue that streak. It could all come together, not unlike last year’s Chiefs, who made similar o-line investments and looked horrible in the early going, but if I was Joe Burrow, I’d make sure my insurance hasn’t lapsed.
Chicago Bears
Chicago’s most volatile export since CM Punk. I have no idea what to make of these guys, other than they’ve done exactly what I expected – upset my Niners in week 1 and bent over for Rodgers in week 2. Impossible to judge Matt Elderflower just yet.
Cleveland Browns
Happy endings apparently aren’t illegal according to the troglodytes in Cleveland’s parking lot yesterday (imagine your life peaking at the moment you’re in a parking lot in Ohio).
Unfortunately, in Cleveland, they are.
YOU LOST TO THE GODDAMN JETS UP BY TWO SCORES WITH 1:55 LEFT! AND YOU LET THEM RECOVER AN ONSIDE KICK!!!!!
Dallas Cowboys
Pay Cooper Rush. He looked like an NFL QB, his hand was pointing the right way, and he actually knows how to read the game clock.
Denver Broncos
Brian Flores thanks Nathaniel Hackett for helping his lawsuit.
Seriously, when your fans are counting down the play clock for you, you have a major, major problem. This team looks like the absolute shits, but at least it escaped yesterday with a win.
Detroit Lions
It was an extremely odd feeling to look at a Detroit game and feel they were definitely going to win. They had a massive lead, looked in control, so naturally, they had to make it interesting. These guys won’t be a dull team to watch all year, DeAndre Swift is a burgeoning star, and Dan Campbell is good for a soundbite. If they learn a football game starts in the 1st quarter and ends in the 4th, they could be interesting.
Houston Texans
I really like Davis Mills. Please save him from the corrupt seminary of football and Reverend Easterby. Jokes aside, they’ve played hard in two games but don’t have much to show for it – a close loss to a team that didn’t want to win in Denver, and a tie with Indianapolis, who look about the worst team in the league right now. I’m told a tie is like kissing your sister, but I think incest is frowned upon in the Christian faith – despite what the books might tell you. They’ve got something to work with, but for the love of god, stop playing Rex Burkhead.
Green Bay Packers
A Bears-supporting friend told me that he thought they’d lose last night because ‘Rodgers will do Rodgers things’. In the absence of a vaccine to lie about or a podcast recording to spout fringe conspiracy theories on, I guess he meant beating the Bears in primetime. Fair enough.
This team will be fine in the regular season as long as Rodgers is there. Then they’ll show up to lose in the playoffs, blame a part of their team that isn’t entirely at fault, and retirements will be threatened. Rodgers doing Rodgers things.
Oh, and my mate got to visit Lambeau, which he’s dreamed of doing, and his guys won for him. That’s the happiest I’ll ever feel about a Packers win.
Indianapolis Colts
I tweeted a friend during yesterday’s shuttle crash to ask how hot Frank Reich’s seat was. He replied ‘his ass is SCORCHED’. Quite. I’m surprised Reich has made it back from Jacksonville, to be honest, with Irsay being known for his quick trigger. There’s not much good to say about this Indy team. From the reanimated corpse of Matt Ryan at QB to the flatlining defense, it could be a very long season. Time to look at head coaching candidates, Indy fans.
Los Angeles Rams
Weirdest team in the NFL, finally matching their coach. Absolutely took a shit on the field in Week 1, and tried to offer the Falcons comeback therapy in Week 2, yet they sit here 1-1, with probably the best roster in the NFC West. I can’t count them out, but I’m struggling to work out what they are at the moment. I imagine Sean McVay is too.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh, that’s Trevor Lawrence. If only they could play the Colts at home every week, eh?
Seriously, though, they’re about what I expected – a middling, building team, with a milquetoast head coach who won’t pull up tons of trees but will win an average amount of games. Doug Pederson is Jeff Fisher with a Super Bowl ring, but hell, it could be a lot worse, as any Jags fan reading this should intimately know.
Minnesota Vikings
I was surprised how good they were Week 1, and I don’t know why I was. They’ve always had a pretty good roster, and for all Kirk Cousins’ plexiglass fetishes, he’s pretty good too. Maybe that’s all they can be – pretty good. But I’d rather be in their shoes than about 80% of the teams in the league, so that has to count for something. Tonight should be a real test, but come through that, and it could be a good year for them.
Kansas City Chiefs
Mahomes is still Mahomes, and while you can’t just roll out guys from the 7-11 to play WR for them and expect to succeed, they’ve got a few from Whole Foods and still seem to be alright. While Mahomes and Reid are there, they’ll be fine. That defense is a little better than advertised to be, too. Big divisional win on Thursday – they seem to have the Indian sign in that division right now. I’d be surprised if they don’t contend.
New Orleans Saints
In the last three years, the Saints have gone from:
- Good roster, good coach, good QB
to: - Good roster, good coach, terrible QB
to: - Good roster, bad coach, terrible QB
They won in Week 1, once they remembered they were playing the Falcons, but watching yesterday physically hurt. With a good coach and QB, they would’ve blown out Tampa. Alas, they have Dennis Allen (last seen flatlining in pro football purgatory in Oakland) and Jameis Winston (surely the Quarterback to get the furthest with the least intelligence in football history), so while I love parts of this team, I can’t be positive about it. Sorry, Big Easy, I love ya, but as soon as you tied yourself to Winston, you might as well be walking around with cold sores on your lip.
Las Vegas Raiders
Not content with having Derek Carr throw the ball like a robot to prescribed receivers (well, sometimes) like the Madden AI, they managed to let one of the worst coached teams in the NFL, with a quarterback who would sooner be at home earning double XP, make a comeback on them. It could be a long season, particularly as McDaniels rediscovers his head coaching powers and morphs back into his final, most evil, form. If he wins, however, expect a statue to be commissioned immediately. Raiders fans would give Mussolini a second chance if he could beat the Chiefs twice a year.
New York Giants
I have no idea how in the hell they’re 2-0 with that roster, other than they’ve played some absolute garbage teams and Brian Daboll and the front office seem to actually have a clue. I guess not having to wake your GM up with electroshock is a huge advantage.
Won the Gettleman Bowl, and I do see some green shoots of hope in New York. I like their schemes and playcalling. I’m less enthusiastic about the players they have running them.
Los Angeles Chargers
Justin Herbert is legit.
Brandon Staley is not.
A huge, huge chance to take early control of the division on Thursday squandered, again.
In fairness, it must be hard playing in front of 90% of the oppositions fans every week, no matter where you are. I want to love this team, but they just don’t let me.
Philadelphia Eagles
I, like a lot of the NFL watching world, occasionally seem to forget the Eagles exist. I’m not sure why. They face off in the Pretty Good Bowl against Minnesota tonight. I feel like whoever wins that could have a good year, but regardless of the result, if the Eagles are just a little better than average, they should be able to take the NFC East. Please don’t let us down, I can’t watch the Cowboys in the playoffs again.
Miami Dolphins
The Tua rollercoaster rolls right along. What a comeback that was against the Ravens, forcing the Florida Men in the Dolphins fanbase to put their torches and pitchforks away for another week. This team won’t be dull to watch all season, but I wonder how sustainable it is having to come from behind and having your QB throw the ball 50 times, especially since McDaniel likes a good running game. Still, book me in for another ride on the TuaCoaster next week. In a league full of terrible QB play right now, at least these guys are fun. For one more week, it could still be 1972.
San Francisco 49ers
After a long week when everyone from Chris Simms(!) – never relevant, even in his own house – to Mike Martz(!!!!) – last relevant in 2009, and started JT O Sullivan at QB for my team – passed comment on Trey Lance, Lance said ‘fuck you, pay m…..y medical bills’ about 10 minutes into Sunday’s game and is now gone for the season.
When I’m done on the TuaCoaster, I’m strapped in for another 15 weeks of the Jimmy G express. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m learning to stop worrying and love the bomb. That’s of course the one that’s going to blow up in our faces in the NFC Championship game again, not a deep ball bomb, because Jimmy G has about as much idea of how to throw one of those as my cerebral palsied ass does of walking upright.
New England Patriots
The bore everyone to death and win strategy worked this week. Unless it’s 1974, it’s not going to work every week. Still, I’m sure noted offensive geniuses Matt Patricia and Joe Judge have got it covered.
I’ve not much else to say about the Patriots – even thinking about them puts me in a coma. You always expect that they’ll figure it out, but maybe, maybe, this is the year they don’t. At least they can get McDaniels back at season’s end.
Seattle Seahawks
Geno Smith is not Russell Wilson. That was a positive in Week 1, but in Week 2, the Seahawks ability to get out of San Francisco with a win was severely dampened once Geno had to run the patented Pete Carroll ‘run around and throw it up in the air against the 49ers and somehow you’ll get a touchdown’ play, and it didn’t work.
If they clean up the mistakes, they can compete in most games, I think. I’m not sure how invested Pete Carroll is in such things though, considering he seems to be largely looking like a man coaching out the string and wondering when his pension kicks in.
New York Jets
Inexplicably beat the Browns with the corpse of Joe Flacco at QB. I see it being a pretty long year for them, but there’s signs of explosive talent there, a little like the Giants – just with the wrong players to run it.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tom Brady is finally divorced….from his terrible record against the Saints. They have a bit of a pulse – that defense is really good, although it should be tempered with the knowledge they were playing the NFL’s worst QB. I’m not sure what’s going on with their offense, though, except, a bit like the Patriots, you sense it won’t last forever. Also, p.s, Tom, if you’re just going to smash Surfaces, send one to me instead, I’d bloody love one.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Another team doing football throwbacks, seemingly trying to be the 2000 Ravens, winning with great defense in spite of an absolutely terrible QB. Mike Tomlin is good but he’s not Penn and Teller – the illusions, smoke and mirrors and magic can only go so far. It’s time to admit Mitch Trubisky can’t play QB, although if my other options were Mason Rudolph and Kenny Pickett, I’d probably take my time doing it too.
Washington Commanders
Dan Snyder as Owner.
A crumbling stadium.
Carson Wentz at QB.
That offensive line.
That secondary.
Ron Rivera, blink twice if you want to be rescued. The poor guy. He survives cancer and ends up in Washington. Remember when they were calling Washington ‘The Football Team’? Someone should report them to Trading Standards.
Rivera will somehow coach them to a few wins, and it’ll be absolutely miraculous, but there’s no hope here.
Tennessee Titans
Ryan Tannehill without AJ Brown looks a hell of a lot like Miami Tannehill.
God speed, Titans.