Member when the 49ers were 5-0?
Hello, hello. Gunpowder, treason, plot, and German NFL games. Ja! Let’s hurry up then and get to it. Starting with last week:
Porter vs The World (57-56, 8-7 last week, 3 correct scores)
Just barely keeping myself above .500 with a decent week last week, despite some surprising losses for the likes of Atlanta, Kansas City and my own terrible team. Some of my bigger bets didn’t come off either, as New England couldn’t pull off the upset, and the Steelers continued to piss me off by losing when I picked them to win. Still, thanks to the obvious ones coming in, the Giants failing to manage a game properly, and the Josh McDaniels era coming to a predictably inglorious end, I’m in credit for the week.
Oh, one more time:
Pittsburgh 20, Tennessee 16
Remember I said about Pittsburgh pissing me off? Well, here we are. This team is somehow 5-3 despite a garbage offensive system, one of the worst QBs in the NFL, and one of the most overrated coaches in NFL history. Just fuck off, you’re shit, and yet somehow you keep getting served teams at their absolute worst.
Miami (6-2) vs. Kansas City (6-2)
Why does the UK get shite like Falcons vs Jaguars when Germany gets this game? Two of the best offenses in the league, although one doesn’t look like it of late, and I think this should be a great advert to our Teutonic friends as to what the NFL is all about. I’m taking Miami, as they’ve been acclimatised to Germany all week, and I actually think they’re the better team as it stands.
Miami, one score.
Minnesota (4-4) at Atlanta (4-4)
We wrote Minnesota off too early, at least until Kirk Cousins achilles banjoed itself last week. Without him, and a choice between the oldest rookie in the world and Josh Dobbs, it looks as grim as the weather in MInneapolis for the Vikes, or it would, if they weren’t playing an absolute waste of talent in Atlanta. Arthur Smith is an absolute fraud and the Falcons have an incredible ability to lose games they should be winning. Fuck it, let’s start off bold. Skol Vikings.
Minnesota, one score.
Seattle (5-2) at Baltimore (6-2)
On paper, and in reality, very close. Two teams both capable of playing up to a very good level and playing down to a very bad one. It’s hard to know who to take here, but I’ll say home team rules, and give Baltimore another big win. I like their matchup against the Seattle defense, but it’s going to be close and high scoring, one feels.
Baltimore, one score.
Arizona (1-7) at Cleveland (4-3)
No brainer here I think. Arizona are now starting Scott Hattieberg at QB, while Cleveland’s defense is putting them on course to defy their fans expectations and break their heart by failing to make the playoffs on the last game of the season. A poor offense keeps the score down, though.
Cleveland, one score.
LA Rams (3-5) at Green Bay (2-5)
Two teams similar in record, but it feels to me like they’re heading in opposite directions. The natives are restless in Green Bay, whereas the Rams are still largely outperforming expectations and seem to stay around in most games. I think they’re better than Green Bay and win this one.
LA Rams, one score.
Tampa Bay (3-4) at Houston (3-4)
This is quite difficult, as Tampa are showing signs of regression to the mean (heading back towards the Baker Mayfield line), whereas Houston dropped a bad one last week against Carolina. I like Houston to bounce back, but in a close one – it’s a big test for CJ Stroud against a good defense this week.
Houston, one score.
Washington (3-5) at New England (2-6)
I’ve realised I’m not saying a lot about these games, and the truth is, they’re hard to pick, because some of them are just outright ugly and horrible – this game being a prime example. Washington seem capable of putting points up, but not winning games, whereas New England look capable of winning if they could put some points on the board. Hard to know who to take, but with Washington tanking following the deadline and trading two pass rush threats, I’ll take New England, who must be one of the teams I show faith in that least deserve it.
New England, one score.
Chicago (2-6) at New Orleans (4-4)
Difficult to look past New Orleans here – I don’t rate them, but they found some offense last year, while the Bears are the US’s most volatile employer, with a running backs coach getting fired this week. Montez Sweat and his huge deal or not, I’ve got to take the better team, and that’s New Orleans. It’s not quite as bleak as it seems in Chicago, but it won’t be enough to help them here.
New Orleans, one score.
Indianapolis (3-5) at Carolina (1-6)
Another tough pick, as do I take an inconsistent and maddening Indy team starting their backup QB, or do I back Carolina to take last week’s momentum into this week at home? Interesting fact – the Panthers have quietly got the NFL’s 4th best defense. What that says about Bryce Young, I’m not sure…
I’ll take Indy to manufacture just enough offense to get home here.
Indy, one score.
NY Giants (2-6) at Las Vegas (3-5)
Does anyone care?
I’ll take the Giants, they’re not being coached by the janitor. Also, Raiders fans, I’ll wait for your grovelling apologies for calling me dense because I said the ‘Patriot Way’ doesn’t work and Josh McDaniels isn’t actually a football genius, you fuckwits.
Giants, one score.
Dallas (5-2) at Philadelphia (7-1)
Probably one of the better games this week, but not as close as painted. Philly do their best to lose every week, whereas Dallas are the definition of a paper tiger. I don’t actually think that this game will be close – I forsee the Eagles finally playing up to their record and stomping on Dallas, just as the 49ers did earlier this season. Sorry Dallas, you’re just not that good.
Philadelphia, two scores plus.
Buffalo (5-3) at Cincinnati (4-3)
Are the Bengals doing it again, and rising from the ashes to go on a playoff run? I suspect this game will tell us a lot, not least if their current momentum is sustainable. Buffalo are kind of flailing around trying not to drown in the water currently, much like the 49ers – two hotly-tipped sides going through some problems at the moment. Josh Allen seems to be ailing, and despite them adding Ras-Al-Ghul Douglas at the trade deadline, I reckon Burrow keeps it rolling and Cincinnati starts to look dangerous again. Side note, the AFC North has four teams with winning records, somehow. Talk about a coin flip.
Cincinnati, one score.
LA Chargers (3-4) at NY Jets (4-3)
Fuck knows why this is in primetime – whoever’s scheduling these games these days wants relieving of their jobs. I’ve a choice between a team vastly underperforming its talent level due to bad coaching and a team vastly overperforming its Quarterback and roster deficiencies due to good coaching. I’m not sure about the Jets GM, but one can’t shit on Robert Saleh and the job he’s done at the Jets, considering how little talent he’s had to work with, particularly on the offensive side of the ball. I’ll not take them here though, as I think this is a last chance saloon game for the Chargers, and they’ll score enough to win it. Surely?!
Chargers, one score.