I’d intro this but we’ve too much to cover. Hope you enjoyed your turkey in the US. Here in the UK, we dream of affording turkey. Or energy. Or water. Or anything, really. Fuck the Tories.
Right, to business.
Buffalo 28, Detroit 25
After winning a few close ones, Detroit finally lost one, and promptly fired the assistant video operator in a fit of pique.
I don’t mind Detroit’s situation at all, I’d rather be them than a solid 25-30% of NFL franchises right now. They’re picking up steam, have adults in charge (save for when Dan Campbell starts crying), and have something to build on. I’m not sure what’s happened to Buffalo – it feels like a long time since I thought they were one of the best teams in the league. Josh Allen is regressing, and they’re not as fun to watch as they once were. You can never escape being Ken Dorseyed, only hope to contain it.
Dallas 28, NY Giants 20
It feels like time is running out on the Giants, but I kinda hope it isn’t. Daboll has been a lot of fun to watch coach, and this team is in most games. They’ve got a tough back end of the schedule to come, and will need all his magic tricks to stay in contention.
Dallas are doing exactly what they always do, and what Mike McCarthy teams in particular are excellent at – they look good in the regular season, and will probably fall flat in the playoffs. Wake me up when they win in January. Hopefully Dak remembers the rules this time.
Minnesota 33, New England 26
Minnesota bounced back nicely from an absolute horror show against Dallas, and this is exactly the type of game that a playoff team should be winning – a gritty, tough, road game. I don’t know what to make of Minnesota, but as long as they keep winning, who cares?
New England are a peculiar team – still fighting, gritty, getting some results here and there, but losing games in the most un-Belichickian ways – special teams errors, turnovers, penalties, etc. The probable GOAT of head coaches definitely has some work to do.
Denver at Carolina
Dear me. Denver come off a bad loss to a bad Raiders team. Carolina come off being bad all season. I have 40 minutes to write this article. I ain’t wasting many of them on this shit. Denver’s defense wins them this one, but it won’t be pretty.
Denver by a score.
Tampa Bay at Cleveland
If you listen very carefully, you can hear the sound of the creaking open of Tompa Bay’s coffin, as a long-written off divorcee with a face that seems to be eating itself comes back to form. Everyone is going to hate playing these guys between now and the end of the year. We’ll hate them even more in the playoffs.
The Browns? Eh. If you listen very carefully, you can hear the sound of Deshaun Watson finally stopping jacking off. He’s coming too late (ironically) to save the Browns season though. Tampa keeps rolling and we all hate it.
Tampa by two scores plus.
Baltimore at Jacksonville
An underachieving highly regarded Quarterback plays against Jacksonville. This should be an easy Ravens win, but I never know what to expect from these guys. It is the Harbaugh way.
Jacksonville have the distinction of being the team everyone didn’t realise was on a bye last week. I’m not sure whether we’ll notice they’re here this week either.
Baltimore by two scores plus.
Houston at Miami
Miami gets to play Bishop Sycamore. Some teams get all the luck. With Raheem Mostert out, Jeff Wilson might set the single season rushing record here. Easy win for Miami. I don’t know how Houston are still a licensed NFL franchise.
Miami by several. Probably 20 or more.
Chicago at NY Jets
The Bears are starting Nathan Peterman.
End of prediction. Mike White will show all his White Privilege in this one. Meanwhile, Zach Wilson is intrigued by the thought that hot moms in his local area are searching for him.
Jets by two scores plus.
Cincinnati at Tennessee
The Bengals being without Chase makes this one so much harder, especially against a well-coached Tennessee who are playing good defense. This should actually be a sneaky-good game, but I think the Super Bowl hangover will continue to hurt Cinci here. Tennessee keeps winning and surprising people with everything they do. Vrabel must be one of the most underrated coaches in the NFL, and yet, every year, they sneak up on people with how good they are.
Tennessee by a score.
Atlanta at Washington
Two teams that are there and thereabouts despite being, well, not very good. Ron Rivera deserves some credit for what he’s managed to make with some of the worst groceries this side of Netto, whereas Atlanta are continuing to hang around in a dreadful NFC South. I have to take the home team, as they look something approximating a competent NFL franchise of late, whereas Atlanta seem to be going in the opposite direction.
Washington by a score.
LA Chargers at Arizona
Who is underachieving more and coaching their team worse? Brandon Staley with Justin Herbert, looking like a possibility to miss the playoffs? Or Kliff Kingsbury with Kyler Murray, looking like a possibility to push Murray to baseball and himself back to the college ranks?
It should be entertaining to watch two teams trying their ass off to lose themselves this game. I think the Chargers probably stop shooting themselves just before Arizona do, particularly as Arizona come off being smashed like a pinata in Mexico on Monday night.
Chargers by a score.
Las Vegas at Seattle
Hard to believe now, but I was assured prior to the season that Vegas would be a playoff contender and Seattle would be picking in the top 5.
Life comes at you fast. The Patriot way comes for you even quicker. And we all know the score with the Patriot way…
Seattle, meanwhile, are maybe running out of steam, but there’s no better healer than playing a Raiders team that’s deader than disco. Easy win, the end of their season games with the 49ers among others will be absolutely titanic. Proper football.
Seattle, two scores.
LA Rams at Kansas City
Remember when this could’ve been a Super Bowl preview? Arf. The Rams are starting a kid from the YMCA at Quarterback, and even with Sean McVay’s Rain Man-like savant qualities, even I feel bad for him when I think of him facing that KC d-line, particularly Chris Jones, who is currently performing like the player that the NFL thinks Aaron Donald is.
KC look like Super Bowl shoe-ins at the moment, in spite of making their games more interesting than they need to. This should be a good win for them to continue up the road.
KC, two scores.
New Orleans at San Francisco
San-Fran-Cis-Co finally turned up with their Full House offense on Monday, and I’m dangerously close to being optimistic. We should be absolutely pureeing a Saints team that basically has Chris Olave and Kamara and not a lot else. However, this is a classic 49er let down game. What to do….?
The….fuck….49ers, by a score.
Green Bay at Philadelphia
Remember when this looked like an NFC title preview? Arf.
Philly managed to hang on to a tough win last week, whereas Green Bay just lost insipidly to Tennessee. it should be an easy Philly win, but they seem intent on giving those cheesesteak-loving bastards that support them just enough blood pressure problems to lessen the season-ticket waiting list. They’ll win, but I expect they’ll make it close. GB are going nowhere fast, besides on the Pat McAfee show.
Philadelphia by a score.
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis
Damn, Monday Night Football has fallen far, fast. This will be absolutely awful. As I think Pittsburgh are an awful team, and I’m just enough entertained by Jeff Monday Night Football to believe they might win another game against a supposedly historic franchise, I’ll take Indy. Give Jeff Primetime the job you cowards.
Indy by a score.