New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers

Good team with bad QB and head coach faces bad team all round with head coach who’s marking out his time. Remember when these kind of games were genuinely good battles?

Saints by double digits.

Houston Texans at Chicago Bears

Hard to see anything but a Chicago win here. For all the Texans scrappiness in the first two weeks, they tied with an awful Indianapolis team, and couldn’t beat a horrible Denver team despite a number of opportunities. Bears take it at home.

Bears by a touchdown.

Kansas City Chiefs at Indianapolis Colts

Oh, god, it really doesn’t get better for Frank Reich. Chiefs win. Easily. Should be over by halftime, in theory. Jim Irsay will be twitchier on the trigger than a 4Chan user who just got turned down for prom.

KC by three scores or more.

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins

Game of the day potential. I hope the Dolphins turn up, because if they do, this could be a classic. Buffalo look like the best team in the league right now, and Miami won’t die against anyone. One game I’ll be watching very closely.

Buffalo wins by 3.

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings

Goddamn it, Dan Campbell, you son of a bitch. I’m buying in. Lions take it. Lions win! Lions win! Lions win! Another game I expect to be close, interesting, and enthralling from my box seat on Redzone.

Lions by a field goal.

Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots

A hurting Ravens team against an offense from the 1970s. Ravens win in a blowout, and Matt Patricia starts pushing that pencil *inside* his ear.

Ravens by 14+

Cincinnati Bengals at New York Jets

I really don’t know about this one. Can I really buy into any Jets hype just because they beat the Browns, the factory of sadness? Then again, can I really support a poorly-coached team that can’t protect it’s best asset? Damn, this is tough. I think I’m taking the Bengals. They can’t stay bad forever.

*Gestures broadly at everything since 1990* Oh.

Bengals by a score.

Las Vegas Raiders at Tennessee Titans

U G L Y it ain’t got no alibi… this game will be horrendous to watch, as it’s two misfiring teams desperate for a win. Much as I would find it hilarious to see the Raiders fall out of the gate like a dead hare and start 0-3, I can’t see it. Raiders take a win, and the hype train will be back on the rails.

Raiders by a FG.

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Commanders

Come on, really? The Eagles keep it rolling against the worst franchise in professional sports. And we all weep for poor Ron Rivera, who desperately needs a life raft away from the dysentery sea of turd that is the ‘Commanders’.

Eagles by two scores.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Los Angeles Chargers – UPSET SPECIAL

It looks for all the world like Justin Herbert ain’t gonna make it, and I’m not entirely sure if Chase Daniel is real or just a theory. This Chargers team tries to coach it away almost every week with one of the best quarterbacks in football. I worry about this team without that, and the Jags will be hungry to pick up another early season win, keeping their momentum going.

Jags by a score.

Los Angeles Rams at Arizona Cardinals

Is this the Rams of week 1, or week 2? Is this the Cardinals of week 1, the first half of week 2, or the second half of week 2? I’m thinking that we’re more likely to see the Week 2 Rams, and that’s more than good enough to beat Arziona, coached by a guy who should be a college OC at best.

Rams by two scores.

Atlanta Falcons at Seattle Seahawks

I’ve seen both teams play, and I don’t like either – does anyone? That said, I like the Falcons to end their early season pain here. The book is out on Geno, and having watched the Niners gouge the Seahawks rushing defense last year, I think Arthur Smith will be looking forward to this one.

Falcons by a score.

Green Bay Packers at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Two misfiring heavyweights collide. Which one will get it right first? I’m backing Rodgers and the Packers. I hope this is as good a game as it seems on paper, although neither have lived up to the hype yet. My bet is a fired-up Rodgers produces some late game heroics.

Green Bay by a score.

San Francisco 49ers at Denver Broncos

Predicting my own team is painful at the best of times, but on a night where I’ll be staying up til 4am, I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling that we’ll lay yet another egg in primetime. I have strong ‘last year vs Carson Wentz’ feelings about taking on the Broncos, even though they have a head coach who looks in over his head, and an adapting QB in Wilson.

Broncos win, and my flat suffers as a result.

Broncos by a score.

Dallas Cowboys at New York Giants

This game is just going to be in primetime for the rest of my days, isn’t it?

Micah Parsons versus the Giants OL gives me nightmares, let alone Daniel Jones. The Giants are an improving team, and actually seem to have adults in charge now, but I think this is where their surprising start runs out of road.

Cowboys by two scores.

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