I first became aware of the NFL when my Dad would talk to me about his days watching the 1985 Bears and the punky QB known as McMahon on Channel 4 in the UK. As a kid of 7 or 8, the whole thing sounded insane to me, but I’ve always been a sports buff and lover, so I was intrigued. Not long after that, on a routine weekly shop to the local Tesco, my mother made my day by informing me she would buy me a Nintendo 64 game if I wanted. Faced with an avalanche of choices, my eye was drawn to this:

When I got home and played it later, the first team I selected turned out to be the team I’d follow forevermore – the Red and Gold, the historically great, the first alphabetically (in that game at least) San Francisco 49ers. I have vivid and strong memories of playing that game – having no idea what a salary cap was, wondering why the team never seemed to have any of it for me to make trades – and having absolutely no idea what was going on. An inauspicious start, but just like with any interest, I dug into more of it over the next few years.

The 49ers, it turned out, wore red, were historically great, but had fallen on hard times and weren’t winning games any more – not unlike my sports teams in football – Liverpool – and rugby league – Wigan Warriors – at the time. Hell, even my cricket team – Lancashire – won their last major trophy in 1998 before a pretty long drought. As I was learning about the 49ers, and the similarities kept hitting me – my teams wore red, all my teams were historically famous, but not so successful in the modern era. So…it was time to pick up another one. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I never really knew how to watch the NFL, and it’s popularity would die off a little bit in the UK in the 1990s, not helped by a series of baffling decisions, including letting little-known ‘alternative comedians’ The Vicious Boys present Channel 4’s coverage. Rumours, to this day, persist of their ‘friendship’ with producers at Channel 4 getting them a job they were wholly unqualified and unprepared for.

Anyway, suffice it to say that NFL was not exactly a hot television property in the UK, so it was often hard to find. Most of my NFL knowledge came from watching the odd highlight and score on Sky Sports News, and all I knew was that the 49ers weren’t doing too well, especially in 2004, when it felt like every week started with me eating a bowl of some terrible cereal before an equally terrible schoolday and looking at the TV screen to see them on the wrong end of another scoreline. By now, I’d upgraded to Madden 2005 (still the best Madden ever) on the Gamecube, and was learning ever more about the game. Unfortunately, the Niners sucked.

Around 2005, however, the 49ers were beginning a rebuild, and I managed to find coverage on Sky, which only felt fair, since they spend half their time showing extreme bass fishing and christ knows what else. So now, twice a Sunday, and overnight, I’d see NFL games, presented by the (in my view) all-time great duo of Kevin Cadle and Nick Halling, Better yet, I could video record (yep, really, it was 2005) Monday Night Football on Channel 5, presented, usually, by Mike Carlson and whoever they could get to sit in a studio between 1 and 4am on a Monday morning, firstly Colin Murray and latterly Danny Kelly. This gave me a grounding in the NFL, and I’d go on to coaching at the immortal Bolton Bulldogs the following year, but I still couldn’t scratch the 49er itch – we were bad enough to *never* be on TV. Oh, I also bought an NFL magazine/paper in the UK called First Down. RIP. Anywho, fast forward to 2006 onwards, and finally, I was able to watch the 49ers. Illegally. Via internet stream. God bless you, and RIP, TVUPlayer, Sopcast, et al.

I’ve rarely missed a 49ers game since then, either online or in person. I have seen three 49ers games in my life, and two of them were in San Francisco, which for me is the greatest goddamn city in the world. I saw Troy Smith beat a terrible Broncos team at Wembley. I saw Blaine Gabbert win a game as a starting quarterback, on my first visit to San Francisco. I watched Brian Hoyer start at QB for the 49ers in the 2017 season opener, and somehow, I snuck on the field before kickoff.

I stay up til 4am for Monday Night Football, I freeze to death in December watching Thursday Night Football, and I’ve stayed up for 2 – count em – 2 – heartbreaking Super Bowl losses, through Beyonce Powercuts. Do I feel qualified? You bet I do. (For those who get the in-joke, YES I DO). So this is my favourite 49ers lineup, 2005-2024. Enjoy.

Quarterback – Brock Purdy (2023-present)

There’s only one real choice here, unfortunately. Alex Smith had one beautiful redemption season under Harbaugh, Kaepernick hit the league like lightning for two and a half years, but after that, it’s almost that infamous Browns jersey of failed QBs. Ken Dorsey? Cody Pickett? JT O’Sullivan? Shaun Hill? I’m good, thanks. Garoppolo also gave a lot of good times, but taketh them away far too often with stupid errors, and I’m fairly sure the reason my anxiety is still so bad to this day is watching ‘Jimmy G’ drop back so much. Purdy himself, ‘elite’ or not, ‘system QB’ or not, and whatever else, is, at the time of writing, clearly the best talent to be behind centre in my years watching the Niners. Anyone who watches the games sees how good Purdy is – you can tell the ones who don’t.

Running Back – Frank Gore (2005-2014)

This is tougher, as between Gore and McCaffrey I’ve had the pleasure of seeing two probable Hall of Fame running backs in my time watching the Niners. I ended up going with Gore, because while McCaffrey is amazing, he’s more of a compliment to the main entree (the offense in general), than the whole meal, which Gore often was in those dreadful, dreadful dry years. Also, Gore played with toughness, heart, and passion for a series of terrible head coaches and offenses for almost his entire career, only getting a break, much like the fanbase, in the Harbaugh years. For these reasons, he always felt like the fans representative on the field, and I’m glad to see him back in the 49ers organisation – he’s one of us.

Fullback –

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fullback – Kyle Juszczyk (2017-Present)

This one’s pretty easy – we haven’t always used a fullback, and while Bruce Miller and Moran Norris were good players in their own right, the hard-to-spell one’s got to take the cake here. One of the first major signings of the Shanahan era, and one of the most unheralded but important players on the roster.

Tight End – Vernon Davis (2006-2015)

OK, so I get it – on pure talent, it should probably be George Kittle, and I love Kittle to pieces. He’s an extremely underrated part of what the team does now, and his character is basically ‘fanboy made good’, which makes him very hard not to root for. But you have to understand where the team, and I as a fan, was when Vernon Davis got drafted by us in 2006. I obsessively watched his college highlights, couldn’t wait for him to get on the field and help Alex Smith, and wore this Youtube video out for months afterwards:

Why? We had a playmaker, for what felt like the first time in forever (in my case, only 2 years, but that was more than enough!) and someone who was worth watching for explosive plays. It took a while to come together, and took in some bollockings by Mike Singletary along the way, but it was all worth it for one sweet, sweet playoff moment:

Those tears were ours as a fanbase. That reaction was mine in my home at 11pm. We had waited all those years for that moment. For me, it was my first playoff game as a fan – I had no idea what any of this felt like. Classic moment, classic player. Davis was dynamic and exciting at a time we were neither dynamic nor excited, and he had some huge moments for the team like the above, so while he probably didn’t have the production Kittle has had if I’m picking a favourite team, he’s in my heart and has to be in it.

Receivers

Deebo Samuel (2019-present) & Anquan Boldin (2013-2015)

I think my choices here perhaps speak more to my personal favouritism in how I like football to be played than anything specifically to do with ability. There’s an easy argument for Brandon Aiyuk of the current side here, whereas Michael Crabtree (“sorry receivah” game aside) would probably get some traction too. For me, it’s two of the best examples of tough, gritty receiver play to ever put on a 49ers uniform. Deebo is the heart and soul of the current bully-ball approach. He’s both capable of taking a game over running or catching the ball, as well as using his incredible YAC ability to flip the field in one play. Arguably his finest moment in my time as a fan was the 2021 season, when he dragged a flatlining team with an average QB to within 10 minutes of the Super Bowl. I was commonly heard to repeat the refrain ‘MVPeebo Samuel’ during the last 4-5 weeks of the strange, crazy ride, and by the end of it all, I was only half joking. He’s an incredible player, and 24 hours from the Super Bowl, will hopefully get his big moment in the sun tomorrow night.

Boldin is cut from the same cloth in a number of ways, and while not as freakish an athlete, may be one of the toughest players to ever play the game. He was a player I always loved watching in my nascent days following the NFL, so when he arrived via trade following the heart-breaking SB loss in 2013, there was a genuine excitement over getting to see him in my team’s uniform. While he may not have lit up the stat sheets a la Aiyuk or even Crabtree to a certain extent, I’ll always enjoy having got to see him fight in the early 2010 wars against Seattle, a fantastic player who could be remembered more fondly if we’d just got ourselves over the hump in those years. My one regret following the San Francisco trips is that I was unable to see him play – he was unfortunately injured when I first arrived in 2015. Still, always fun to remember him playing.

Offensive Line

Trent Williams (2020-present) – Mike Iupati (2010-2014) – Jonathan Goodwin (2011-2013) – Alex Boone (2009-2015) – Joe Staley (2007-2019)

I’m cheating a little to get Joe Staley in, by picking him in a position he only played in his rookie year (RT), but there’s no way he could miss out as one of the best five offensive linemen in my tenure watching the 49ers. Trent Williams is simply a better LT, but with no other good options on the bookend side, Staley, the one-club man, legend, and heartbreakingly two-time Super Bowl loser, comes in. These two guys can pass block like no one else, and are pretty nasty in the run game too. In a world where there barely seems to be enough good offensive linemen to travel the NFL as a whole, I feel fortunate to have largely had the 49ers QB’s blind side effectively protected for 16 of my 18 years watching.

The middle of the line is pure Harbaugh-era Niners – Iupati, Goodwin and Boone are all nasty, horrible run blockers, but also capable in the pass game. At one point in my life, I was an offensive line coach, so I absolutely loved the nasty, take no prisoners approach that Harbaugh’s power game employed. The Harbaugh Niners fought trench wars with Carolina, Seattle, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and many others, and thanks to that triumvate, often came out on top. Not bad, considering Jonathan Goodwin was an unheralded signing, and Boone was an alcoholic UDFA who most didn’t give a chance of sticking in the NFL. Iupati, meanwhile, held up well after being one of our first round choices in 2010, and in fact, has a position on a shelf in my bedroom, also held by his compatriot Anthony Davis:

The San Francisco corner of my bedroom – and yes, that’s a signed picture from Trent Baalke. In my defence, I got it in 2011, when he was briefly looking like a top executive in the league.

It’s quite shocking looking at how short Iupati and Goodwin’s tenures were, and arguably the Niners oline has never quite been as nasty and dominant since, although the development of the likes of Aaron Banks suggests that we may be making our way back there.

Defensive Line

I’m playing a 4-3 defense, and messing around with the alignments and positions a little to get the best 11 on the field…

Nick Bosa (2019-Present) – Justin Smith (2008-2014) – Arik Armstead (2015-present) – Aldon Smith (2011-2014)

In my time as a fan, the Niners have invested some pretty serious capital in the defensive line – not least currently, where Armstead and Bosa play alongside 1st round picks like Javon Kinlaw, heavy free agency investments like Javon Hargreave, and big trade splashes like Chase Young. It’s probably no surprise therefore that I’m capable of building a d-line to rival any team in history. Arguably Armstead looks like the weakest link of the four, but the fact I’ve seen his prime pushes him over one of the big names in the past like Bryant Young, whereas against more present-day contemporaries his longevity wins out over the likes of, say Deforest Buckner. Also, in this line, his do-everything attitude and run-stopping ability compliment the other three’s games tremendously.

Not much more can be said about Bosa than has already been by much more qualified luminaries than myself, but it’s pretty clear that he’s one of the best defensive players in the league right now, and his ascension to the 49ers, sparked by the bizarre decision of the Cardinals to take a baseball player #1 overall, is arguably the defining moment of the Shanahan era.

Away from the two current stars, it’s impossible not to pick the two-Smith tandem for the other spots, if only for their complete dominance in 2011 and 2012, up until Justin Smith’s triceps tear. The elder Smith (Justin) seemed a bizarre free agent signing by a flatlining coaching staff in 2008, but in fairness to messers McCloughan and Nolan, they had found a defensive leader and the heartbeat of what was to become the first great 49ers team in my era as a fan – they just werent around for it. Justin Smith came to perhaps embody the Harbaugh era more than any player – blue-collar tough, never giving in, and a grit and grind mentality that would make Dan Campbell bite his own kneecaps off in envy. It helps that his effort was matched by obvious talent, both against the run and pass – a truly multi-dimensional defensive threat that gave offensive lines fits. If he doesn’t tear his triceps leading into the 2012 playoffs, I’m convinced that the 49ers wouldn’t have just won the Super Bowl, but would have won it handily.

He could have been a one-man wrecking crew, but in Harbaugh’s first draft, he found a stable-mate in the neophyte passrusher Aldon Smith. To sum up Aldon Smith takes more words than I’m able to devote here, but he had the quickness and urgency of Bosa mixed with the power of Micah Parsons. To put it simply, he was a phenomenon. He would unfortunately flame out of the league after only really two full seasons at his best, and we’ll never know what have become of him, but in combination with his namesake, he was a true difference-maker of the kind that we wouldn’t see again as fans until Bosa would arrive in 2019.

Linebackers

Fred Warner (2018-present) – Patrick Willis (2007-2014) – Dre Greenlaw (2019-present)

Two of these were about as easy as they come. Willis can’t be left out of any all-time team, even, I suspect, for fans of a deeper vintage than myself – the man’s just gone into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and he was a difference-maker for the good teams (under Harbaugh) and the hard-to-watch teams (under almost everyone else). It’s a good thing that those noted football minds Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary managed to get past the fact he was ‘undersized’, because Willis could hit like a truck and cover like a defensive back. In many ways, Willis was one of the first standard bearers for the modern linebacker, expected to not just play the ‘run downs’, but be capable of covering the pass, too.

That brings us neatly on to the other two choices – and I’ll explain the difficult one too. First, the easy one – Fred Warner may be the best linebacker in football currently, and he flies around the field both in stopping the run and the pass. It’s not an exaggeration to say that almost the entire defensive scheme would probably fall apart if he wasn’t at the helm of it. He’s a truly special football player, who routinely makes insane and unlikely plays, and he’s the heartbeat of the ‘modern’ 49ers. It’s hard to imagine anyone getting beyond Willis or Warner in coverage.

To fill out the group, I went for Warner’s partner in crime, Greenlaw, rather than Willis’s, in Bowman. It ultimately boiled down to two reasons. I fucking loved Navorro Bowman, by the way – a fantastic player, a huge hitter, and a big leader on the teams who had the titanic battles with the Seahawks I loved so much. However, what he didn’t have in abundance were two things; one – coverage skills – in the Fangio 3-4 scheme he was very much the hitter and run stuffer, which wouldn’t fly in this scheme – but two, and more importantly, since I’m not putting this team out on the field – consistency. Bowman at his best may have been better than Greenlaw, but I feel like we only got to see Bowman’s best for maybe two years at best – sadly, the horrendous achilles injury robbed us of the best of him. Greenlaw, meanwhile, has been functioning at the top of his game pretty much since he arrived in San Francisco, and with great range and nasty hitting ability, he’s a great compliment to the other two here and a fantastic player in his own right. The best compliment you can give a player is that you feel better when he’s in the game, and that’s always true of Greenlaw.

Cornerbacks

Chartavius Ward (2022-present) – Carlos Rogers (2011-2013)

Cutting this down to two was actually harder than I expected – if you sit there long enough, you realise there’s usually been one good corner on the 49ers each year I’ve been watching (sans 2020 and the Brian Allen catastrophe!) – I considered, among others, Walt Harris, Tarell Brown and Demmondre Lenoir here, and even Richard Sherman in his brief rivalry-crossing spell (and I think that probably had some brilliant impacts off the field that we probably don’t give enough weight and credit to), but I eventually went with these two, even though Ward is fairly new and Rogers’ tenure was, like many of the Harbaugh era players I’ve picked out, quite short. The reasons why are fairly simple – if I’m picking top players, players I want to see, then I’m picking guys I don’t worry about in coverage. The current Niners are still really trying to find the best fit at #2 CB, but one thing they can (usually) guarantee is a couple of plays a game by Ward. Meanwhile, Rogers, while a flameout in Washington, was about as good as it got for us, making a Pro Bowl and leading an inexperienced DB group with some excellent playmaking. I’m keeping an eye on Lenoir to break in here if he continues his upward trajectory, though.

Side note – perhaps one of the interesting ones is that one of our most expensive signings ever, Nate Clements, didn’t even warrant slight consideration. What a bust. Maybe my all-bust team should be next…

Safeties

Jimmie Ward (2014-2022) – Donte ‘Hitner’ (2011-2013)

This was difficult, as there’s no real standouts – Dashon Goldson suffers from being a contract year hero, Tashaun Gipson doesn’t have the longevity to break in here, and nor does Hufanga – hopefully his door hasn’t closed, considering the ACL injury – while Jaquiski Tartt was a great player, but his last game, and *that* dropped INT, lingers in the memory. In the end, I’ve gone for one uber-consistent swiss army knife in Ward, and a standard-bearer for the brute years in Whitner.

I firmly believe that Ward might have become a fantastic player if various coaching staffs hadn’t messed around with his position on such a regular basis. As it was, he served the team admirably in multiple roles, before finally hitting his best in the Shanahan era at FS. He never gave any less than his best, and often made some great plays to go along with that.

Whitner, on the other hand, was a bit of a flash in the pan, but it was a blinding flash. In a defense that badly needed a hitter, leader, and someone to set the standard, Whitner never let down the 49ers. His hit on Pierre Thomas in the epic divisional game in 2011 may have actually been the moment that the 49ers – my 49ers – finally announced their return to the upper echelons.

And finally…

If I’m choosing specialists, then send me Robbie Gould, a man who never let down the 49ers, especially in the clutch (I hope Jake Moody isn’t needed tomorrow!) and probably Andy Lee to punt – the man with the golden leg who lit up some terrible 49ers teams.

Finally…we need a long-snapper. And who better to pick than the man who’s face exemplified the pre-Harbaugh years. Yeah, you know who it is…

God speed, Brian Jennings – and god bless you, San Francisco.

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 As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Something different today for you all – a little preview of the NFC title game – an amuse bouche if you will, as we watch the Ravens and the Swifties knock ten lumps out of each other.

Why the NFC game? Well, if it’s not been obvious from all my NFL posts this season, I’m a 49ers fan. This is my seventh NFC title game tonight. We’ve won 2 of them, lost a couple in heartbreaking fashion, and got blown out in one, when we had to have Christian McCaffrey throw passes. What will tonight bring? The truth is, it could be anything. I’ve followed the 49ers since 2005, and if you are good and patient, you’ll see a nice article about that in the next few days, but this is probably the first time I can remember we’ve gone into the game as unabashed favourites. At the time of writing, the line has us -7.5, which honestly seems insane for the playoff game before the Super Bowl. It says a lot about where the team is, what the expectations are, and what this all means. In some ways, this might be the extent of the window for this team – we’re only set up cap wise for a few more years. So what wins it for us? Simply – stop the run on defense, run the ball well on offense. If we stop the run, Goff has to throw 35-40 times, and that’s not a strength of the Lions. If we run the ball well, it opens up play-action, and Purdy can hit those downfield passes he’s apparently incapable of.

There’s a million other mini-battles throughout the game that will make a difference, but ultimately I’m predicting a trench war of attrition between two of the best O and D lines in the NFL. God willing, heaven knows, its got to be this time…hasn’t it?

Now for something totally different, I’m going to pass you over to a good mate of mine, Lions supporter and Southerner (so my diametric opposite) Chris White, aka Blanco_619, for his thoughts on the game.

To quote a great song from Bloc Party’s debut album, so here we are…and did I see it coming? 100% not!

Let’s talk about these Lions. I knew we had something special early on with Dan and Brad, but this special? Nah, I don’t think anyone saw this. I think it speaks volumes, in a positive mindset, that we have no MVP candidates (yet Dak made an appearance – go figure?) because, despite having no real off-the-scale playmakers (though some future players potentially in this category being Gibbs, LaPorta and Amonra to name just 3) this team just oozes togetherness – this team has #AllGrit.

Which is lucky, because that’s exactly what we’ll need this weekend. Where do we sit now with The Cranky Englishman and his successful 9ers? Well, we are still massive underdogs. Yes, we need to be on our game, but I also feel, like a classic FA Cup tie, we need to catch them on a bad day… but hey, that’s “the magic of the playoffs” right?!

On paper where do we stand:
Hutch or Bosa? Bosa
Gibbs or CMC? CMC
Amonra or Deebo? Deebo

Goff or Purdy? Well… for me, this is where it may just play out. “Goff only plays in a dome.” Well. Goff played in Cali for most of his football career. So maybe this statement should be Goff only plays at home?I digress. How do I see this NFC Championship game going? Well, I’ll be honest, being HUGE underdogs I expect nothing, but hope for everything. Do I think we’ll make the Super Bowl? Of course not, but even if we don’t, it’s been an incredibly fun season!

LFG.

I concur.

Enjoy the game.

Porter versus The World – 130-107 (10-4 last week, 3 correct margins)

Bad week for the margins, but an excellent week for the picks, giving me a 0.548 percentage on the year, right above Jeff Fisher in NFL terms, but just below Chuck Knox. Can I drag it higher this week, or lower? Let’s find out.

Pittsburgh (9-7) at Baltimore (13-3)

With Baltimore resting half their starters, this unfortunately looks like a Pittsburgh win. Fortunately for the rest of the league, that ensures another year of Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh, so nothing to worry about for the foreseeable future.

Steelers, one score.

Houston (9-7) at Indianapolis (9-7)

Big playoff implications here, and I like both teams – Indy have been sneaky good all season, and are a fun watch as well, whereas if Houston make the playoffs, Demeco Ryans is a strong contender for coach of the year. It’s astounding where Houston are now compared to last year, and a strong pacifier for the likes of Carolina and Washington, who look lost at sea right now. It can happen to your franchise – if you get the right people in the right positions. So, who wins? That’s more difficult. I’ll take the team I like the most here, and back Houston to crash into the playoffs.

Houston, one score.

Atlanta (7-9) at New Orleans (8-8)

Big playoff implications here, and I hate both teams – New Orleans have been sneaky bad all season, and are a shit watch as well, whereas if Atlanta make the playoffs, Arthur Smith is a strong contender for worst coach to ever coach in a playoff game.

Hmm. I don’t actually think this game will matter, as Tampa beat Carolina (spoilers), but I’ll take New Orleans for being slightly less shit. Fire Arthur Smith – that team’s a head coach away from being good.

New Orleans, one score.

Cleveland (11-5) at Cincinnati (8-8)

Cleveland are resting a lot of starters, including everyone’s favourite NFL redemption story, Joe Flacco, so there’s only one winner here – basically, because if DTR could get it done, Flacco wouldn’t be there in the first place. A tough year for a good Cincinnati team, but they’ll be back, and with Joe Burrow, having ended on a reasonable high.

Cincinnati, one score.

Jacksonville (9-7) at Tennessee (5-11)

I could see Jacksonville finding a way to lose here, as they’ve been desperately poor lately, even in winning – but with the rumours swirling of a parting in Tennessee, I think they’ll just about do enough. As for Tennessee, Vrabel is a decent coach, but something clearly hasn’t worked the last two seasons, as he currently sits at 11-21 with one game to go. Twitter chatter of getting a first round pick for him just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

Jacksonville, one score.

Minnesota (7-9) at Detroit (11-5)

Minnesota need the win, whereas the Lions have the deckchairs largely out, unable to lift their seeding given likely wins for Philadelphia and Dallas (more spoilers!). However, I doubt Dan Campbell lets them have a week off, so I’ll take them to win, because Minnesota are pretty much pushing uphill as they have been all season. Big questions are heading their way in the offseason, especially at Quarterback.

Detroit, one score.

NY Jets (6-10) at New England (4-12)

Meh. Which team is less bad? Probably the Jets. Check back in next season for the Aaron Rodgers show, assuming he hasn’t been sued, imprisoned, or stabbed for calling someone a nonce with no evidence whatsoever. The man’s a fucking idiot, but the Jets had better be hoping he’s still a good Quarterback.

Jets, two scores plus.

Tampa Bay (8-8) at Carolina (2-14)

I’m not talking about Carolina any more, having backed them again last week to no end. Tampa wins, easy, and somehow gets a home playoff game.

Tampa, two scores plus.

Chicago (7-9) at Green Bay (8-8)

I’ve got Chicago here – I think they’re on a bit of a roll. It seems odd that, for all the caterwauling early in the year, the Bears were basically a couple of different results away from the playoffs. Are they trending upwards? It’s possible…

Green Bay certainly will trend upwards, I believe, in the next few seasons, but this one’s been a tough one, battling an experience gap at exactly the wrong time (as Detroit improved massively). Nonetheless, it should stand them in good stead for future seasons.

Chicago, one score.

Kansas City (10-6) at LA Chargers (5-11)

KC are resting Mahomes, but in all honesty, they could start Taylor Swift at QB and beat the Chargers. Next.

KC, two scores plus.

Philadelphia (11-5) at NY Giants (5-11)

Philly should win this, but then they should’ve won last week, and in several weeks this season, so we do have to consider that…

The Giants have had nothing to play for since November, and face a big offseason of tough decisions ahead. Some weapons for the QB – whoever that may be, but you’d expect it to be Daniel Jones – should be high on the list.

Philadelphia, two scores plus.

Dallas (11-5) at Washington (4-12)

Dallas wins, and continues to buff their record by beating shite. Next.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Denver (8-8) at Las Vegas (7-9)

Not much riding on this game playoff wise, but I fully expect that Denver is going to have a bloodbath of an offseason, so they’ll probably want to go into it with a win, especially over a division rival. The intrigue in Vegas is if one more win gets Antonio Pierce the job, as Jim Harbaugh rumours swirl…

I’ll take Vegas, as it’s a close game and they’re at home. A big offseason ahead for both teams, but probably bigger for Vegas, who have to get the decisions right this time around.

Vegas, one score.

LA Rams (9-7) at San Francisco (12-4)

This is the calmest I’ll be watching a 49ers game in a long time, with a first round bye locked up, several key players resting, and no good or bad news riding on the result. The fact we’re getting Darnold v Wentz is just a beautiful treat for anyone who loves broken toys. I’ll take my boys, as their depth is better, but honestly, this will just be fun to watch to see which no-names show up on film.

San Francisco, one score.

Seattle (8-8) at Arizona (4-12)

The Cardinals have beaten the Cowboys, Falcons, Steelers and Eagles this year.

What a strange football team.

It’s hard not to have optimism for the future in Arizona, they’ve been coached above their talent level for sure, and have some nice wins to show for it. I have to take Seattle, though, as they need the win a lot more. Seattle won’t be an easy team to beat in the playoffs, but conversely, it’s difficult to know which version of them turns up week-to-week. They’ll get the job done here, and probably easily, after a little back and forth.

Seattle, two scores plus.

Buffalo (10-6) at Miami (11-5)

This will be an amazing game, I can’t wait for this. It’s hard to believe Miami have let themselves fall back far enough to be in a 50/50 game for the division, but here we are. Meanwhile, Buffalo could actually drop out of the playoffs entirely if they lose, or be the #2 seed if they win! It’s an absolutely wild set of variances, and I’m not entirely sure the game won’t be the same. I’m going to back the hot hand, which is Buffalo, which should please those in upstate New York, but also those in Miami, as they usually fall on their arses whenever I pick them.

Buffalo, one score.

That’s a wrap on the regular season! Thank you for all your support this year – I never saw myself doing every week of picks, but as I hit publish, we’ve achieved it! If you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Porter versus The World (111-97, 8-7(!) last week, 3 correct margin)

Not bad, but probably goes better if I stop showing faith in Atlanta, and have more in Houston, for example. Surprise losses for the Cowboys and the Eagles also took me down a bit, but after 4-10 a week ago, a pretty welcome return to form. Can I unwrap some Christmas gifts this year and get myself more strikes in the positive column? First, lets talk Thursday…

LA Rams 30, New Orleans 22

As a 49ers aficionado, I’m getting worried about the Rams. They’re just catching fire, and will likely be an excellent dark horse in the playoffs. The vast majority of the reason why they suddenly look as good as they can be is their running game’s emergence, led by Kyren Williams. With Stafford still as good as he’s ever been, and a veteran team heating up, they’ll be a tough out for anyone in the playoffs. The same was never true of the Saints anyway, but this loss probably caps them out for the year. They’ve unfortunately got the combination of an above average roster but combined with a below average head coach. They’re spinning their wheels down in the big easy.

Cincinnati (8-6) at Pittsburgh (7-7)

Difficult pick, as both have strong moments of mediocrity, but Pittsburgh’s mediocre has become toxic lately. When your players don’t want to block because they might get hurt, your locker room, and possibly coaching tenure, is going the wrong way. Bengals pull this one out and continue to threaten a decent playoff run.

Cincinnati, one score.

Buffalo (8-6) at LA Chargers (5-9)

A much easier pick, as we’ve got two teams going opposite ways here – Buffalo, like LA above, are heating up rapidly, and honestly barely gave the Cowboys a look in last week. I expect more of the same here, as the Chargers are on their sun loungers, waiting to see who comes in to try and turn it around next year.

Buffalo, two scores plus.

Indianapolis (8-6) at Atlanta (6-8)

Atlanta might be the worst team that’s not going to get a high pick in the draft. On paper, they shouldn’t be, but Arthur Smith’s coaching is tantamount to one of the biggest possible crimes in the world. Indy, conversely, may be the worst team with a good record, but they’re an entertaining watch and should be good enough to keep it rolling.

Indy, one score.

Green Bay (6-8) at Carolina (2-12)

The one week I don’t back Carolina to pull off an upset, and one comes in, admittedly against a team almost as badly coached as they are in a horrendously low scoring game. They won’t keep it rolling here. Green Bay have basically set fire to their playoff chances, but they should get back on the horse here, even if it is now far too late.

Green Bay, two scores plus.

Cleveland (9-5) at Houston (8-6)

Difficult pick here – two teams capable of finding ways to win in difficult circumstances (in the Browns case, from a poorly constructed offensive roster, and in the Texans case, due to being mid-rebuild) colliding, with two people doing two of the best coaching jobs out there. With no Stroud, and the Browns defense, I have to take the Browns here. If Demeco pulls this one out, they should make him mayor.

Cleveland, one score.

Detroit (10-4) at Minnesota (7-7)

If the Lions hadn’t won last week, this would be a far harder pick. Given that they did, and in quite some style, and Minnesota is struggling for an offensive identity, I have to take momentum here and welcome Detroit to the playoffs for the first time since Abraham Lincoln picked up a playbill. Forza Detroit.

Detroit, one score.

Washington (4-10) at NY Jets (5-9)

Oof, from the penthouse to the outhouse. I guess I’ll take the Jets as they’re marginally better and certainly better coached, but this won’t be well-remembered.

Jets, one score.

Seattle (7-7) at Tennessee (5-9)

Seattle kept its playoff hopes alive with a nice win over the Eagles, and have actually been playing quite a bit better than their recent results suggest. Tennessee, much like New Orleans, are in some sort of bland nothingness. Seattle takes an edgy one.

Seattle, one score.

Jacksonville (8-6) at Tampa Bay (7-7)

Big game here – Jacksonville is losing its grip on its division, while Tampa is trying to strengthen its grip on its own. Jacksonville are an odd team, seemingly playing way below the sum of its parts, while Tampa are similar to the Rams, in the sense that they’re getting good at the right time. I’ll take Tampa in a close one, but this is definitely a push – and the winner can probably look forward to football in January.

Tampa, one score.

Arizona (3-11) at Chicago (5-9)

Chicago contrived to throw away a winning position AGAIN last week, and the sheer number of these must be concerning to the Bears hierarchy now, even if being close to winning so many games has likely protected some jobs out in Chicago. I’m actually going to back the upset here and take Arizona, who are far from perfect, hence their record, but seem to find a way to generate points and entertainment most weeks, regardless of their ability level.

Arizona, one score.

Dallas (10-4) at Miami (10-4)

A real titanic clash here, and a tough one to call, as both have had moments of mediocrity in winnable moments, and both have their issues. I’d say momentum is with Miami, so I’ll go with them, but I’m intrigued to see who wins this one, because it has pretty huge playoff implications, and we may find out who the best teams are. There’s another game like this too…

New England (3-11) at Denver (7-7)

It ain’t this one.

Denver, two scores plus.

Las Vegas (6-8) at Kansas City (9-5)

This is an interesting one – Vegas are a team of confusing conflicts, whereas KC have flattered to deceive pretty much all year. It’s a tight one, but best team rules comes into play, and KC will just get it back on track here.

KC, one score.

NY Giants (5-9) at Philadelphia (10-4)

Philly really needs a win, so they’re fortunate to be playing a horrendous football team – even with their struggles, its hard to see the Giants generating enough offense to win a game against a much better team. Is Philly back? No, but a good easy game always helps.

Philly, two scores plus.

Baltimore (11-3) at San Francisco (11-3)

And now, the end is near….

This is probably one of the most titanic regular season clashes in history, up there with Miami-Chicago in 85, Giants-Patriots in 2008, or even Steelers-49ers in 1984. Will we really know who the better team is after this? It’s hard to say. The Niners have a few injuries on the d-line (Armstead out will be huge, for example) – whereas the Ravens have suffered attrition all year. Ultimately, it comes down to:

• San Francisco’s discipline vs the run, particularly Lamar Jackson (scrambling QBs have caused them problems before)
• Baltimore vs the pass (will Brock Purdy continue to system QB the NFL?)
• Special Teams – the 49ers main returner, Ray Ray McCloud, continues to miss time, and we know that can affect games, especially against a good Ravens unit.

Honestly, it should be a classic. I’m seeing the Niners are at 5.5 point favourites for this game, but with their injuries along the d-line and poor run D last week, I’m taking the Ravens to strangle the life out of a close one.

Baltimore, one score.

Merry Christmas! Thank you for all your support this year. If you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

How is everyone? Looking forward to Christmas? I think I am, but first, let’s see how bad last week’s picks tanked my record. Without looking at any evidence, I’m guessing…bad.

Porter versus The World (103-90, 4-10(!) last week, 1 correct margin)

Easily, EASILY my worst week in a while. In fairness, I think you could call Detroit, Green Bay, and Miami’s losses pretty big upsets, but some just were inexcusable (why did I back Carolina?!). In others, the law of averages just evened out and I was on the wrong end of the score in some close (KC-Buffalo, Jacksonville-Cleveland) and absolutely dreadful (Raiders-Vikings) games. Hopefully I can bounce back this week. However, let’s talk Thursday first…

Las Vegas 63, LA Chargers 21
Well, our long national nightmare, and particularly Justin Herbert’s, is finally over, as Brandon Staley, the worst coach in the NFL, the darling of the analytics, but a failure to anyone who, you know, actually watches football, is gone, and he’s took one of the worst GMs in football with him too. Hallelujah. Those jobs will be popular ones in the offseason, because the roster’s an interesting one, and they certainly have a QB, as anyone who didn’t believe in Justin Herbert’s talent got to see exactly what this team looks like without him.

Raiders? Good win, a team playing hard for the interim coach. I’m not sure I’d give him the job, but it’s a fuck of a lot better than bringing Jon Gruden back. My advice to Raiders fans is, if Davis brings Gruden back, sell up and try and start a team back in Oakland. It’s over.

Minnesota (7-6) at Cincinnati (7-6)
One 7-6 here is a lot better than the others – I’ve been super impressed with Cincinnati post-Burrow injury, whereas the brief signs of life under Josh Dobbs for Minnesota have long since been extinguished. I’ll back the Bengals to keep it rolling here.

Cincinnati, one score.

Pittsburgh (7-6) at Indianapolis (7-6)

One 7-6 here is a lot better than the oth…

Pittsburgh are flatlining, Indy were awful last week….this is a tough one. With the flux Pittsburgh are in (and the rumours around Tomlin’s future), I think I’ll take Indy, but I think this will be pretty ugly.

Indy, one score.

Denver (7-6) at Detroit (9-4)

God, this would’ve been a no brainer as recently as a month ago – now it’s one of the harder picks this week. Who are the real Lions? The team that looked like one of the best in the NFL up to Thanksgiving, or the poor team since? Who are the real Broncos? The team that looked like one of the worst of all time up to Thanksgiving, or the good team since? Of the two, I think the Broncos are ascending – they’re certainly not a team I’d want to face in the playoffs – and I’ll back them to take this. The only way this doesn’t happen is if the Lions, backs against the wall, suddenly find themselves again. Should be an intriguing, and close, one.

Denver, one score.

Atlanta (6-7) at Carolina (1-12)

I’m not picking Carolina again, you’ve let me down once too often. Atlanta are dreadful, but surely not dreadful enough to lose here.

Atlanta, two scores plus.

Chicago (5-8) at Cleveland (8-5)

This is another hard call, and a great example of how records mean less later in the season sometimes – Cleveland are up and down, particularly on offense, whereas Chicago seem to have saved Matt Eberflus’s job (don’t tell me that’s spelt wrong, I’m not looking it up) by playing pretty hard for him the last few weeks. Post-Josh Sweat, that defense seems to be on the way up, and when you look after Justin Fields, he reveals himself to be not just competent, but pretty damn talented. Really tough call, but my instinct is the Bears rally comes to an end this week, only because Cleveland’s on the playoff bubble and needs it just that little bit more. Interesting game to watch.

Cleveland, one score.

Tampa Bay (6-7) at Green Bay (6-7)

Tough call, as I don’t really like either team for different reasons – Green Bay’s inexperience showed in a dreadful loss last week to a pasta chef, whereas Tampa force me to not trust their offense almost every week. Usual Cranky rules apply here – when unsure, take the home team.

Green Bay, one score.

NY Jets (5-8) at Miami (9-4)

This has a similar feel to Chicago-Cleveland – I’m not sure record is super relevant, as the Jets are playing hard, whereas Miami are coming off dropping a bad one against Tennessee. When it comes down to it, though, I have to ask myself if the Jets can repeat last week’s random offensive explosion, and if the Dolphins can play that badly again. My gut says the answer to both is no, so…

Miami, two scores plus.

Kansas City (8-5) at New England (3-10)

As bad as KC are, with a terrible WR core, aging TE, and a QB more focused on penalties, even when they’re correctly called, they can’t lose to Big Bill’s dying embers of a franchise.

P.S – it was offside. You never get calls against you. All the best. Shut up and get on with it.

KC, two scores plus.

NY Giants (5-8) at New Orleans (6-7)

Tommy Devito (or more accurately, Brian Daboll) has made this pick a lot harder. Whatever you think of the Giants QB or roster as a whole (and the answer for me is that both are pretty mediocre), one can’t really decry the coaching job Daboll is doing. He pulled voodoo last year to make them one of the NFCs best, and he’s turned around a team that was almost in outright mutiny a few weeks ago to make them look respectable going into this one. New Orleans are basically just thrashing about in nothingness, and while they did beat Carolina (ruining my upset pick for last week), they did make something of a meal of it for a while. I just fundamentally don’t believe in this New Orleans team, and I’m gonna back Devito to keep painting houses.

Giants, one score.

Houston (7-6) at Tennessee (5-8)

CJ Stroud is out. No brainer. It’s a shame for Houston, and Demeco Ryans in particular, who’s fast losing the Coach Of The Year inside track as they were looking pretty good two weeks ago, but QB matters in the NFL, regardless of what your system is. Hmm, I wonder my point could be…

Tennessee, one score.

San Francisco (10-3) at Arizona (3-10)

Oh, right.

Well, I have some misgivings about this one, particularly since about 8 or 9 49ers seem to be either definitely or likely to miss this one, including some big hitters on defense, whereas Arizona, even in losing, have played pretty close in every game, but fuck it, I’ll back Purdy in a shootout. MVPurdy.

San Francisco, one score.

Washington (4-9) at LA Rams (6-7)

Despite dropping a close one last week, I really like the Rams – they’re hitting into some form, and if they do sneak into the playoffs, they’ll be a tough out for anyone. This should be an easy one against a Washington team just desperate for the year to end.

Rams, two scores plus.

Dallas (10-3) at Buffalo (7-6)

Tough pick – tougher than I expected. Buffalo showed up, backs against the wall, last week, and came out with a big win – ditto Dallas, who destroyed the Eagles. I’m still not in love with Dallas, but reality bites, and they’re 10-3 right now, whereas Buffalo feel like they’ve got massive game after massive game on the schedule. This might be a game too far. Close one, but better team edges it.

Dallas, one score.

Baltimore (10-3) at Jacksonville (8-5)

Similar to the above, except Jacksonville don’t look too hot right now. Could be a fun game, particularly as the Ravens seem to like close games, including last week’s epic with the Rams. I will, as ever, side with the better team, and that’s the Ravens, who are probably Super Bowl favourites as it stands.

Baltimore, one score.

Philadelphia (10-3) at Seattle (6-7)

And finally…

This is actually quite hard to call, as Philly have had two bad results in a row, whereas Seattle, despite defeats, are still pretty competitive. Seattle needs this one, but then so do Philadelphia – it’s choosing which team you think will finally find its potential. I’ll back Philadelphia, but both of these teams are a real question mark. Tiebreaker goes to the better roster.

Philadelphia, one score.

As ever, agree or disagree, you can comment, tweet or email me. Enjoy the weekend’s games, it’ll soon be Christmas, and for some of us, it’ll soon be the playoffs! Take care.

Well, here we are, it’s almost Christmas, but more importantly, it’s almost the playoffs! Would my picks be heading for playoff town, or the first pick in the draft? Let’s find out with a quick look at last week.

Porter vs The World – 99-80 (8-4 last week, 3 correct margins)

Some missed margins last week, largely down to not trusting the Rams or my own side, the 49ers, enough, but a pretty good week for the picks overall. The major misses were Pittsburgh, Houston (who I normally trust) and Kansas City, whereas Jacksonville had a strange MNF game and handed me the 4th loss. Also, the Chargers-Pats may just be the worst NFL game of all time.

Right, onto this week.

New England 21, Pittsburgh 18

Oof. That seat in Pittsburgh suddenly got hotter than the inner core of a steel smelter following two baffling losses in a row. Yep, famously-loyal Pittsburgh are apparently considering dispensing with Mike Tomlin at the end of the season. Is that fair? I’ll examine this in more detail in a bonus article this week hopefully, but to boil it down to the nuts and bolts of the argument – I think the criticism is fair, and I’m often a huge critic of Tomlin weekly in this column, but I’m not sure if this year is the year I want to be finding a new head coach. As for New England…I dunno. Bailey Zappe gave you a happy moment. Enjoy. I have no idea what happens next there.

Tampa Bay (5-7) at Atlanta (6-6)

Ugh. This is a hard game to call, and not in the ‘both these teams are good’ category. Tampa tried to choke away a victory over Carolina of all teams last week, whereas Atlanta are probably still the worst coached team in the league. As they come head to head, I’m taking the worse team on paper here, as I think they’ve played at a high level more consistently all season.

Tampa, one score.

Detroit (9-3) at Chicago (4-8)

Detroit, never knowingly dull, made a routine week last week look difficult, and are likely to do the same here against a Bears team which has, surprisingly, played above it’s record quite consistently. Once again, a must-have for Detroit, who largely play up to their potential when they have to. As long as they don’t look ‘poopy-faced’ on the sideline.

Detroit, one score.

Indianapolis (7-5) at Cincinnati (6-6)

Indy took care of business – eventually – last week, and are one of many potential teams on the bubble, along with their division-mates Jacksonville, who lost to this Cincinnati team last week. A clash of two mediocre teams, but with possible playoff implications. Interesting. It basically comes down to which offense fires, and both have had their moments this year, but I’ll take a third straight(!) road win in these predictions and go with a surprisingly resilient Indy side.

Indy, one score.

Jacksonville (8-4) at Cleveland (7-5)

Jacksonville suffered a bizarre reverse to Cincinnati, although at Cranky press time, Trevor Lawrence is expected to play, which should help. Cleveland seem to be falling to earth a little, which is understandable as they don’t really have a quarterback currently. If only they’d kept, uh…*checks notes* Josh…Dobbs?

Anyway, I’m taking Jacksonville to bounce back, but it’s a close one that could go either way.

Jacksonville, one score.

Carolina (1-11) at New Orleans (5-7)

Carr starting, coming off a concussion, against the worst (by record, if not vibes) team in the league? My upset senses are tingling, and once again, I’m going to listen to them. If Carolina can just remember to play the full game, they might just get a result here.

Carolina, one score.

Houston (7-5) at NY Jets (4-8)

I didn’t trust Houston last week, and it cost me. It’s hard not to take them here in a situation where they’re playing a team who’s starting QB doesn’t even want to play for them. Regardless, it’s the kind of game Houston has to win to be taken seriously, they’re on the bubble, but genuine good teams win these games. The Jets will probably let their defense keep them in the game, but it’s all about getting the job done at this stage of the year. Over to you, CJ.

Houston, one score.

LA Rams (6-6) at Baltimore (9-3)

My hunch on the Rams last week was correct, and they’re quite dangerously playing themselves into some form, with a very real chance of a wildcard in the NFC (due largely to the amount of teams at or around their record). Unfortunately, this week, they face the class of the NFL, and off a week’s rest no less. They’re not going to help themselves here, but shouldn’t get too dispirited – not many teams can hang with Baltimore if they’re at their best.

Baltimore, two scores plus.

Minnesota (6-6) at Las Vegas (5-7)

That’s the first home team I’ve picked this week, and I’m going to follow it with a second here. I don’t think there’s much between these teams, but I think Vegas are playing better(!) at the moment. I’ll back them to edge it here, and keep Antonio Pierce’s name swirling in contention to become ringmaster of that particular circus.

Vegas, one score.

Seattle (6-6) at San Francisco (9-3)

This feels like a classic San Francisco letdown game – off a huge win, home rivalry game (whatever state both teams are in, the Seattle games are usually close), with a few injuries (Armstead and a few others ruled out). Thankfully, we may have to face Drew Lock, so it’s not all bad. I hate picking games like this, especially when I feel an upset looming, but I’ll back my boys, largely because last week’s win was our best performance in my 18 years of supporting them. Close game, though.

San Francisco, one score.

Buffalo (6-6) at Kansas City (8-4)

Hot Sauce versus Barbecue, Allen versus Mahomes, and mediocrity versus…other mediocrity? It seems harsh to call KC mediocre, but they keep losing games they should be winning, and even some of the wins have been closer than they ought to have been. It is worth remembering they pretty much did the exact same thing last year, and got hot in time to….erm…win the Super Bowl.

Anyway, I think they win here. Buffalo have flattered to deceive all season, and Sean McDermott is probably more focussed on finding another terrorist attack to motivate his team. Joking aside, I largely think that Kansas City is a better team, and, backs against the wall, I think they’ll prove it.

Kansas City, one score.

Denver (6-6) at LA Chargers (5-7)

The Chargers won the worst game in NFL history last week, but let’s not lose our sense of perspective – they’re a terribly coached team, lacking severely in direction. Denver, meanwhile, lost after a good run to a good Houston team. If they’re serious about being a playoff bubble team, they need a win here, and I feel they’ll get it.

Denver, one score.

Philadelphia (10-2) at Dallas (9-3)

Ah, a clash of the two ‘the Niners blew us out but but but excuse excuse that’s the real quiz’ titans. Who wins? It’s a difficult call – Philly’s fatigue and general vulnerabilities showed last week, finally, whereas Dallas have largely roared back from disappointments to have a pretty good year. The winner will take divisional bragging rights and better playoff positioning, while a Dallas win helps the 49ers too.

It’s a tough, tough, pick, but I’ll take a smarting Eagles team. I’m just not entirely convinced by Dallas in games against similar level teams.

Philadelphia, one score.

Tennessee (4-8) at Miami (9-3)

The one-liner pick of the week, as unless Miami decide not to show up, this is about as easy as it gets.

Miami, two scores plus.

Green Bay (6-6) at NY Giants (4-8)

The Giants, for some reason, are in primetime, again, against a Green Bay team that seems to be getting better all the time. I still think it’s a little early for this roster, but Jordan Love showing progression and talent, along with his extremely inexperienced receiver core, makes them a potentially painful and difficult out for the rest of the year. They ought to easily handle a terrible Giants team.

Green Bay, two scores plus.

As ever, agree or disagree, you can comment, tweet or email me. Enjoy the weekend’s games, there’s not many left!

Hello again! Will Week 13 be unlucky or good for me? Let’s find out, but not before we find out just how bad last week was…

Porter vs The World – 91-76 (7-5 last week, with 4 correct margins)

Missed out on a couple of close games with New Orleans, Tampa, Houston and Carolina all going down on the wrong side of close scorelines, while Chicago’s surprising ugly win also caused me another lost point. Fortunately, my faith in Denver, Kansas City and Baltimore was rewarded, whereas the likes of Philadelphia and Pittsburgh continued to annoy me by winning in difficult circumstances.

Where does that leave us this week? Let’s give it a look.

Dallas 41, Seattle 35

An actual good Prime game – even if it was slightly marred by more laundry than is in a teenager’s basket following a weekend home alone. Al Michaels continued his drift into the Martin Tyler/grumpy old man of the NFL with a few spiky comments, and an otherwise usually decent Seattle defense collapsed to somehow lose a game in which they scored 35 points. Jamal Adams might want to spend less time baiting reporters and more time working out what the fuck’s going on in that secondary. Dallas, meanwhile, keep doing what they’re doing and beating teams they should beat – their first big test in a while will come next week against their division rivals in Philly.

Indianapolis (6-5) at Tennessee (4-7)

Colour me shocked to find that Indy are 6-5, and still pretty much holding a chance of the playoffs going into week 13. It’s a credit to this roster and the coaching staff that they’ve largely found a way to be a competitive, tough out each week. I fully expect them to win here over a poor Tennessee side, who are largely just using the remainder of the season to evaluate Will Levis.

Indy, one score.

LA Chargers (4-7) at New England (2-9)

Christ. I’m going to have to pick the Chargers, because, records be damned, New England may actually be the worst team in the league. If LA lose this, Brandon Staley shouldn’t even be allowed on the plane home.

LA, two scores plus.

Detroit (8-3) at New Orleans (5-6)

This is a nasty little game for Detroit, and probably not the game you want coming off a surprise loss to Green Bay last week (technically!). I don’t really know what New Orleans are, particularly as they keep losing games that they ought to be winning (last week being a prime example). I’ll pick Detroit, as I think they’re a better team, but more than most weeks, they really, really need to prove it today.

Detroit, one score

Atlanta (5-6) at NY Jets (4-7)

It says something about the absurdity of the NFL playoff picture that Atlanta are potentially the four seed despite being one of the worst coached teams in the league. RANK TEAMS BY STANDING FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!…

Anyway, one bad team takes on another, Atlanta should win, because the Jets are starting a gardener at QB. They probably won’t and fuck my picks up again.

Atlanta, one score.

Arizona (2-10) at Pittsburgh (7-4)

Zzzz. Pittsburgh win but make it harder than it needs to be.

Pittsburgh, one score.

Denver (6-5) at Houston (6-5)

Finally, a game worth caring about. The Broncos have found something in the last few games, whereas Houston have been the pleasant surprise of the year, and CJ Stroud is great fun to watch. It’s hard to choose a winner here, especially given I like Houston, but I’m going to take Denver, who after a very difficult start, seem to be rolling downhill, even possibly towards the playoffs.

Denver, one score.

Miami (8-3) at Washington (4-8)

Easiest game to pick this week possibly – Miami wins easily against a Washington team that’s long since given up on their season.

Miami, two scores plus.

Carolina (1-10) at Tampa Bay (4-7)

I got burned picking Carolina last week in a winnable game – so burned that Frank Reich got fired for it. This would normally fall in the winnable category, but with Tampa at home and an interim coach, should be an easy win for Tampa.

Tampa Bay, two scores plus.

Cleveland (7-4) at LA Rams (5-6)

A good matchup here, as McVay’s ever-useful offense goes up against an excellent Cleveland defense. Cleveland’s inability to put points on the board cost them last week, and sadly, I see that happening again here, as I think the Rams generate just enough offense to put them away, and remain alive in the wildcard hunt.

Rams, one score.

San Francisco (8-3) at Philadelphia (10-1)

The big game! Last year’s NFC title rematch, but this time with intact elbows. I’m expecting a classic, but in a first for this Cranky Englishman, I’m taking George Kittle and McCaffrey having big games, particularly given Philly’s holes at LB, and helping us win a close, probably classic, one.

Niners, one score.

Kansas City (8-3) at Green Bay (5-6)

KC look back to something approaching their normal level lately, while Green Bay have actually given life to their season with a good recent run. It looks like Jordan Love might have something, if only Matt LaFleur can find his playcalling groove. One suspects that next season rather than this might be Green Bay’s time, as the younger players mature, but they should give KC a decent game, especially at home.

Kansas City, one score.

Cincinnati (5-6) at Jacksonville (8-3)

In normal circumstances, a close game, but in the year of QB injuries, Cincinnati losing Burrow hurts way more than it does to most teams. They could barely generate offense last week, and I can’t see that changing, whereas Jacksonville looks like a juggernaut waiting to happen.

Jacksonville, two scores plus.

See you next week! Do you want to tell me I’m a genius, idiot, or somewhere in between? Comment, tweet or email me.

Hello, hello, hello. It’s taken me a while to sit down and write this week’s as the slate of games stink like your leftover Thanksgiving turkeys.

But do my picks? Let’s take a look at last week.

Porter vs The World – 84-71 (10-6 last week, 5 correct margins)

I picked 16 games last week for the first time ever, having taken the Thanksgiving games into account. If I’d remembered the Black Friday game, I’d have got to 17, and would notch up another one for the win column. Alas, it was still a pretty good week all told, the main things costing me being Pittsburgh, Seattle and Kansas City all losing close ones, and Washington shitting their pants and simultaneously falling down the stairs on the Sunday. On Thanksgiving itself I went a disappointing 1-2, with my lack of faith in my own team and Detroit being Detroit costing me some needed points. Still, I’m pretty comfortably over .500 for the year (currently sitting at .541), and hopefully we can keep that momentum rolling this week. So, what’s on the docket?

New Orleans (5-5) at Atlanta (4-6)

There’s a lot of tough games to pick this week, largely because a lot feature mediocre-to-poor teams playing against each other. This is one such game, where an odd New Orleans outfit take on an Atlanta outfit that’s largely stopped playing for their coach, which is more than fair enough, as watching him with weapons brings to mind Harry Dunne.

New Orleans, one score.

Pittsburgh (6-4) at Cincinnati (5-5)

I’m tired of talking about this terrible Pittsburgh team. They’ve fired Matt Canada and will no doubt find a way to win this game to annoy me, especially as they’re facing a team with Scott Hattieberg at QB. I feel for Cincinnati, but the season’s over.

Pittsburgh, one score.

Carolina (1-9) at Tennessee (3-7)

Get ready, Carolina fans, ’cause I’m picking you this week! There’s not really rhyme, logic or stats behind this, I just think Tennessee are awful and if they’re going to drop a game inexplicably, I feel like this might be it. Carolina are strange, as despite picking a QB 1st overall, hiring an offensive-minded head coach, and acquiring offensive weapons, it’s their defense keeping scores down and keeping them in games. Hopefully Bryce Young does well enough here to guide them past a pretty horrible Titans team.

Carolina, one score.

Tampa Bay (4-6) at Indianapolis (5-5)

Similar to the New Orleans/Atlanta game, it’s which mediocre team to give a W to here. Having watched both relatively closely, I’m gonna take Tampa, as despite their record,I think there’s a little more upside to them as a team as a whole. Indy, to me, are just playing out the string without Anthony Richardson, aka the only entertaining thing about watching them.

Tampa Bay, one score.

New England (2-8) at NY Giants (3-8)

This may be the worst game of the entire season.

There’s marginally more hope in the Giants, so I’ll take them, but oh boy is that damning with faint praise.

Giants, one score.

Jacksonville (7-3) at Houston (6-4)

Now this is a game. Two entertaining sides with great offenses in a huge divisional matchup. Exactly what this awful slate of games needed, like the adrenaline shot to a heroined up Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction. Picking a winner isn’t easy, but I’ll go with my gut and pick the team I like more in terms of coaching and close situations, which is this surprising and very fun Houston team. It’s going to be a very entertaining end to the year in that division.

Houston, one score.

Cleveland (7-3) at Denver (5-5)

This isn’t bad either. Denver rising up like their famous animated fan Randy Marsh:

Facing off against a Cleveland team that proves to their own front office that spending millions of guaranteed money on a sex offender wasn’t necessary to make them a contender. Another tough one to pick a winner, but I like this surging Denver side, even if I hate that Russell Wilson is suddenly good again. Home field breaks ties.

Denver, one score.

LA Rams (4-6) at Arizona (2-9)

This one’s not easy, if only because Arizona have been good at hanging around in games, and the Rams seem to like to follow up a good game with a disappointment. The Rams are better, and should win and keep alive a slightly-desperate playoff bid, but I’d expect a close one.

Rams, one score.

Kansas City (7-3) at Las Vegas (5-6)

I wouldn’t have even given this the courtesy of a few lines when McDaniels was still in town, but the Antonio Pierce led Raiders are a different proposition, winning games they should win and keeping close the ones they’d be expected to lose. Sadly for them, I think they keep this pattern alive, as KC have a close loss to avenge, and have proven to be their best this year when facing adversity. A close win for a Chiefs team that isn’t blowing anyone away, but will hang around in January.

Kansas City, one score.

Buffalo (6-5) at Philadelphia (9-1)

Even though Buffalo did rediscover the elixir of offense last week, they unfortunately don’t get to play the Jets every week, and against a Philly side who keep grinding out the wins like some tremendously-irritating, cheesesteak-fueled buzzsaw, I can’t really back them. Close, as every game has been so far (I haven’t picked a blowout yet), but Philadelphia take a 10-1 record into next week’s titanic clash with the Niners. Hide your elbow joints, the Eagles are coming.

Philadelphia, one score.

Baltimore (8-3) at LA Chargers (4-6)

I can finally pick a blowout, because that Chargers defense is awful, and no amount of Brandon Staley’s Kevin Keegan impressions will change that. The only thing that would give me pause is the Ravens habit of randomly choking away winnable games, but I’ll stick with my gut here and say an easy Baltimore processional win.

Baltimore, two scores plus.

Chicago (3-8) at Minnesota (6-5)

I really like Josh Dobbs and Minnesota, and at home, I’d back them to do their job against the Bears. I’m not sure what the Bears are, besides slated to pick high twice in next year’s draft, but they seem to be simultaneously not as bad as and worse than their actual record. I’m shocked this is on MNF, but I reckon the Vikes keep it rolling and some omnious music starts playing in Detroit. Surely not….?

Vikings, one score.

Enjoy the week! I’ll be glued to Houston/Jax most likely, and praying my upset picks come in. Do you want to tell me I’m a genius, idiot, or somewhere in between? Comment, tweet or email me.

xx

Porter vs The World – 74-65 – 8-5 last week, 7 correct margins

Easily my best week in terms of choosing the margin of victory, although the natural combination of my conservativeness (small c, fuck the Tories) and a lot of close games really helped. I dropped surprising ones with Buffalo, Baltimore, and Atlanta all losing, whereas my lack of faith in CJ Stroud (who I love) and the 49ers (who I love and support) cost me two more potential wins. Not a bad record though after a rough start.

Right then…this week.

Baltimore 34, Cincinnati 20
Lots of controversy here, as Joe Burrow had more wrist problems than a 14 year old who’s just discovered xvideos, and Mark Andrews was lost for the rest of the season due to a so called ‘hip drop’ tackle. I had no idea what one of these was til Thursday, and I thought it was something to do with being a lyrical gangsta, to be honest.

If you’ll allow me to editorialise a second (you can’t really stop me, it’s a written piece), I’ve had a couple of thoughts this week. First off, ‘Another Sunny Day’ by Belle & Sebastian is a great song and absolutely beautiful.

Anyway, I’ve seen a lot of conjecture from Ravens fans that hip-drop tackles should now be banned as it caused them to lose one of their best players for the rest of the year. I’d first like to say, if I may – bollocks. The NFL is already almost impossible for defensive players – you can’t hit high, you can’t hit ‘defenceless’ (which seems to change with every week) players, and you have to bring QBs down with a strongly worded letter. If we continue to ban forms of tackling, where are defenders supposed to hit? It’s already a very small section of the body that’s ‘legal’ to hit – take ‘hip-drop’ tackles away, and the NFL is either going to become flag football or the Sarcastaball seen in South Park.

I’m no alpha male, and I don’t believe in the world going ‘soft’, but it does bother me when I keep hearing suggestions to make the game safer and safer every year. Newsflash, idiots: half the appeal of the NFL is the violence, the physicality, the athleticism. Take that away, and you’ve just got netball in pads.

Far more infuriating is ex-players sanctimonious caterwauling, particularly when it comes from someone like Bart Scott, who was no stranger to causing injury himself:

I think what I’m trying to say is – don’t be a hypocrite, fuck off, and leave us to our enjoyment.

Anyway, game wise, a good win for Baltimore, and between the Bengals’ combined loss of the game and Joe Burrow, probably the last we see of them this season. They were fun to watch for all of three weeks there.

Moving on then – mercifully – to this week.

Dallas (6-3) at Carolina (1-8)

Not since Shaggy’s 1993 hit have so many people said ‘Oh Carolina’ in unison. Hard to see anything but a Dallas win, easily, here.

Meanwhile, Frank Reich has taken back playcalling in Carolina, which feels like a last-ditch desperate attempt to save his job – something that looks impossible at this point.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Pittsburgh (6-3) at Cleveland (6-3)

I’m at a bit of a loss as to how either of these teams is 6-3, and also with an outside shot of their division, especially with the Ravens’ injury issues. There’s no quarterback between them (literally, in Cleveland’s case, following Deshaun Watson being ruled out for the season), so I can only assume it’s defense all the way. This makes it a very hard game to pick, but one of the only nice things you can say about the Steelers’ QB situation is that it is settled and will have had time to practice, which is more, really, than Cleveland’s had all season. I’ll take Pittsburgh in yet another ugly one.

Pittsburgh, one score.

Chicago (3-7) at Detroit (7-2)

I keep waiting for Detroit to drop a game they’re expected to win, and every week, they don’t. They tried their best last week, making the Chargers look good for a while, but still pulled out the victory, while Jahmyr Gibbs seems to finally be out of witness protection and actually looks like every inch the weapon he was predicted to be. Chicago, meanwhile, get Justin Fields back this week. This will have no impact on the outcome, but it might at least make it slightly more interesting.

Detroit, two scores plus.

LA Chargers (4-6) at Green Bay (3-6)

An irrelevant game between two irrelevant sides, which probably means lots of points and surprising entertainment. I don’t really have a strong opinion on either side, bar the Chargers being the biggest waste of talent in the NFL, so I’ll say home team rules and take GB.

Green Bay, one score.

Arizona (2-8) at Houston (5-4)

I like both of these teams for different reasons – Arizona has ran an expansion-level roster to two surprising wins (although given they were over Dallas and Atlanta, two of the biggest paper tigers in league history, maybe not that surprising), while Houston is a sneaky bubble-playoff candidate being led by a staff coaching their asses off with a QB who looks like a potential new star in the NFL. I like both coaching staffs, but really, this has to be a game Houston wins – part of being a bubble team is acting like one, and beating the teams you should beat. If Ryans can get his defense to play better against scrambling QBs than he did in San Francisco, they should wrap this one up. I think Arizona will keep it close though, as they’ve largely done all year.

Houston, one score.

Tennessee (3-6) at Jacksonville (6-3)

Jacksonville suffered a surprise battering last week at the hands of the Niners, but this feels like the perfect game to rebound back in, against a poor Tennessee squad who are largely playing out the string at this point. I can’t shake a nagging feeling that Jacksonville aren’t quite as good as their record, which is why I expect this to be close, but ultimately they should be winning this one.

Jacksonville, one score.

Las Vegas (5-5) at Miami (6-3)

The Raiders being at .500 is one of the most baffling things in the NFL – they’ve got a bottom 10 team on both offense and defense. Still, they’ve beaten the teams in front of them the last two weeks, even if it has only been a Giants team on life support and a Jets team that’s heading for the same ward. Vegas’ 5 wins are over both New York teams, the Patriots, Green Bay, and Denver. They’re the literal definition of ‘you can only beat the crap in front of you’. This week they run into a Miami team that, statistically, should be better than 6-3, and worryingly, have only lost to other contenders (Buffalo – when they were one – Philadelphia and Kansas City). There’ll be time to worry about that in the future, though. A win for Miami, although possibly closer than you might think – Antonio Pierce, if nothing else, has got the boys playing hard for him.

Miami, one score.

NY Giants (2-8) at Washington (4-6)

OK, so we all knew that Daboll was pulling some magic tricks last year, but I didn’t realise he’d traded his soul and a witches curse for one good season from Daniel Jones. This team are flatlining rapidly, and more importantly, seem to be revolting (I certainly think that when I watch them play). Hard to see Washington losing here, they do sometimes play down to their opponent, and that defense is awful, but no one’s as bad as the Giants right now.

Washington, two scores plus.

Tampa Bay (4-5) at San Francisco (6-3)

This should actually be a closer game than records suggest. While I’m no fan of Mayfield nor Tampa’s offense in general, it can generate some noise and points, whereas Tampa’s defense has been good in pretty much every game. It’s an interesting 5-day stretch for the Niners, as two wins, at home today and on Thursday in Seattle, probably wraps up the division and, I would’ve thought, a high playoff seeding. This is the easier one of the two to win, but they need to do a professional job and get the job done. I never like picking my team, especially in what’s such an obvious trap game, but I think we’ll just get it done. Brock Purdy to me.

San Fran, one score.

NY Jets (4-5) at Buffalo (5-5)

When Rodgers went down in Week 1, I’d have lost a lot of money if you’d bet me these teams would be a game apart heading into Week 11. Buffalo has completely flatlined and started to get ‘bad Josh’, and has responded by firing Ken Dorsey, which may actually be slightly unfair, as they’ve the 3rd ranked offense in the country, but the 23rd ranked defense. It smacks a little of scapegoating, and perhaps it will fire up the Bills, who knows, but something needs to, as their window, once seemingly wide open, is shutting rapidly. I never know what to make of the Jets – they can ride that defense to another win, or that anaemic offense can cost them it. I’ll take Buffalo, but this is one of the tougher picks this week.

Buffalo, one score.

Seattle (6-3) at LA Rams (3-6)

If Seattle are as good as their record, this should be routine, but they’ve had a few wobbles against poor sides. It’s a strange one, as they’re not particularly outstandingly good at anything, but seem to find ways to win every week. I’d probably, on balance, back them to do the same here, but in a divisional game, it’ll be at the least, interesting. The Rams are the definition of a middling team this year – it’s almost like Jeff Fisher is back – and they’ll put up a fight, but I’ll take Seattle.

Seattle, one score.

Minnesota (6-4) at Denver (4-5)

Minnesota’s turnaround is almost as astonishing as their opponents’ this week – both teams were looking to be heading for absolute hell at the start of the season, but have rebounded to be at least respectable (in Denver’s case), and often entertaining (in Minnesota’s). Whether Josh Dobbs can keep it rolling here is ultimately what will decide things, but I have a sneaking feeling Denver pull another one out, off the back of Russell Wilson, who is quietly putting together a pretty decent season under Sean Payton.

Denver, one score.

Philadelphia (8-1) at Kansas City (7-2)

The kind of game primetime was actually invented for, and by far the hardest pick of the week. If you’re reading this, you know how good both teams are, but both have struggled at times this year to show their best. That said, they usually pull out wins anyway. Who would I take here? As with all tough picks, home advantage rules – I’ll take KC and Andy Reid to put a bit of hurting on his old employers, but in all honesty, anything other than a close game either way would be a huge shock.

Kansas, one score.

Alright, all the best, enjoy Week….

I thought that, since it’s Thanksgiving this week, I’d break the habit of a lifetime and pick the midweek games. Let’s see if they can be nice bonuses to my tally or a weight on my shoulders!

Green Bay at Detroit

I’m finally going to see Detroit win a Thanksgiving game! It’s hard to imagine them losing here, again, another game they should be winning, if they’re the team we all think they are.

Detroit, two scores plus.

Washington at Dallas

Dallas’s offense versus that poor Washington D feels like a mismatch. Easy one for Dallas, I think, although I hope Washington keep it close.

Dallas, one score.

San Francisco at Seattle

I think this might be a game too far for the Niners. The Seattle games are always close, and I’d expect a split 1-1 between them this season, and if Seattle’s going to win one, you’d think it would be at home, in primetime, in front of their shrieking piped-in crowd noise. Hopefully it’s a classic, as always, though.

Seattle, one score.

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