I love the sitcom Frasier, it’s majestic, so let’s do a little thing here, summed up thus: me, Frasier episodes, a random number generator, and then I’ll review the episode it picks out.

According to the fantastic and never wrong Google AI, there were 264 episodes where we met the good doctor for his second act. So that could be a wonderful 264 posts to strain my rarely-used webhosting. For those of you who are completionists or pedants (and I know I’ll link at least one of you to it), I’m not currently including the revival in this, because I’ve reviewed it already.

Thanks to the wonder that is random.org, I was able to generate a number to get us started on this endeavour. Let’s see what it’s thrown at us today.

Episode 36 – “Roz In The Doghouse” (Season 2, Episode 12)

Well, it could’ve been worse, and spookily, this was the random episode I decided to revisit today before I started writing this post and series – but bloody hell, it could’ve been a lot better.

I don’t revisit this one a lot because there’s parts of it I really, really, really dislike, particularly involving Frasier. Let’s get to it and let’s see what I can make of it.

The basic premise, as I recall it as I watch, is Roz injures herself running to move her car, leaving her out of commission for a few shows. Couple in a ridiculous row with Frasier because of her seconding herself to Bulldog’s show, and there’s our conflict for today.

Everything opens quite well – Frasier’s sassy, and Roz is sassy back, over a caller who isn’t sure about dating someone 40 and unmarried. Boy, does this feel like a 90s thing – as someone 35 and unmarried, I’m glad Roz at least stood up for the terminally single.

Following a very contrived moment that allows Roz to acquire her ankle sprain (there is, at least, a decent moment for Gil), the action moves to Roz’s apartment, where, amid some clumsy flirting, Bulldog offers Roz the option to produce his show. Bulldog is an acquired taste, but he somehow comes out as a complete saint here compared to the inconsiderate arse that Frasier’s being. This is a poorly-written episode for Fras, that’s for sure.

Niles is wonderfully introduced with his artisan Italian shoes for Martin (“they have tassels…”), but that soon gives way to more of Frasier being a complete arse for no reason, implying Roz and Bulldog slept together after he left her apartment the previous evening.

That goes about as well as you’d expect, and Roz eventually explodes, and while Daphne’s obliviousness to Niles’s gift-buying and Roz’s slow descent out of the apartment both raise a chuckle, I really do find this a chore to get behind – Frasier stops being ‘lovably pompous’, and is honestly just a complete prat.

Roz quits, and goes with Bulldog – after about 2 and a half minutes of trying to leave the apartment. That did make me laugh at least.

We transition to several Frasier show cockups over the next scene, with “Weird Bruce” managing to hang up on someone with a fear of abandonment (played by future guest star and almost-Daphne Rosie Perez, which was “Supah” to hear), among other technical glitches. Conversely, Bulldog and Roz kill their show, after a false ending for Frasier’s belief of Bulldog’s perversions. Peri Glipin is a tremendous actress, and she nails being Bulldog’s sidekick. This is also one of the few times I enjoy Gil’s appearances, as his general snobbishness just gives things a bit of light, and life, in an episode that seems painfully by-the-numbers.

Cue the montage, as Frasier runs through a number of dreadful producer options in approximately 15 seconds. This didn’t do much for me, but a Nervosa scene with Niles and Frasier, including the usual classic Maris line (this week; ‘she distrusts anything that loves her unconditionally’) and an explanation of their gardener’s creation of obscenity via horticulture, puts things back on track.

Martin and Daphne show up for some early-season Martin-Frasier conflict, and John Mahoney is, as usual, fantastic at being the everyman, enhanced in this episode by Frasier, again, being an extra-level idiot. This being early-season Daphne as well, Jane Leeves remembers that she’s supposed to play the character with some homespun, working-class charm, and she’s great here too.

And now, the denouement. After some shop talk between Roz and Bulldog, Bulldog ‘hilariously’ misreads Roz’s intentions, and after a somewhat predictable explosion of anger, Bulldog runs right into…yes, an apologising Frasier, holding a bunch of flowers.

So the show resolves its drama most predictably – despite being an utter cock for 22 minutes, Frasier turns out to be right, and is implied to be insufferable about it, meaning that not for the first time, he’s the living embodiment of ‘you can be right, but don’t be a prick about it’. Sigh.

Final Score – 2/5 – Sorry, if you’re reading this for the first time, you probably think I hate Frasier after this. I really don’t, it’s my favourite sitcom ever. But christ, is this an average-to-poor episode. Frasier is not even humorously insufferable, he’s just a tit throughout, and there’s no real lightening of the story. This isn’t one of Bulldog’s good outings, while Peri Glipin is great as Roz and the crutches/apartment departure scene is very very good, but they’re working with some poor material here. Let’s hope episode 2 is more fun.

The show is essentially a comfort blanket – I’ve seen every episode hundreds of times, and yet it still brings a laugh at all the right times in all the right places. One of my Christmas traditions is to watch the Frasier Christmas episodes, so today, I thought I’d share that tradition with you, and my thoughts on each.

Let’s get started.

The Episodes

We’ll be taking the following episodes into consideration today:

Original Series

1:12 Miracle on Third or Fourth Street
3:9 Frasier Grinch
5:9 Perspectives on Christmas
6:10 Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz
7:11 The Fight Before Christmas
8:8 Mary Christmas
10:10 We Two Kings
11:11 High Holidays

Revival
1:10 Reindeer Games
2:10 Father Christmas

Miracle On Third Or Fourth Street (Season 1, Episode 12)

OK, that pun hurts me to start off with, chiefly because I hate the movie it’s based on.

This really isn’t an episode I love at all. I think Season 1 of Frasier is absolutely razor-sharp and one of the best debut seasons of any television show in history (think how other modern classics like Parks and Recreation or The Office struggled to find their way in their early seasons). But this….eesh.

It starts off pretty well, actually; there’s some good repartee at KACL, and Roz, Bulldog and Frasier all kind of shine. Back at the condo, the NIles/Daphne interactions are still in their slapstick/for fun era (and boy, won’t we be wishing for that in a few episodes time!) and it’s all good fun.

Where it goes off the rails is from here on, really – Frasier and Martin argue, and Frasier decides to stay in Seattle after Frederick decides not to visit him (he’s going on a Sound Of Music expedition, it seems). After that, this all becomes really, really dark for me. As they were still doing the ‘Frasier and Martin don’t entirely get along’ arc this early it’s not unreasonable that they’d fight, but there’s something deeply sad about the scene of him working at KACL on Christmas Day, Roz crying, the overall dark and somber tone of the studio, etc etc. It’s terribly bleak for me for a sitcom Christmas episode, and even their attempts to lighten it with the ‘funny’ upset callers doesn’t really hit for me,. That said, Frasier’s closing line about where he’s going to eat having a liquor license is another example of excellent writing.

Act 3 then tries manfully to pull it back round, as Frasier eats a PLATTER! surrounded by what seem to be broke and homeless people. There’s some good back and forths here – “I’m not sure this isn’t last year’s” is a good sarcastic Frasier line, while the callback to the robbed sneakers joke gets the deserved laughs and applause from the studio audience.

Again, though, it can’t quite sustain this – I think the meal being paid for by the other patrons in the restaurant was supposed to be heartwarming and It’s A Wonderful Life esque, and it is pretty funny (“Hey, we’re not buying you dessert!”) but it just misses the mark for me. It feels too much like one of Frasier’s parables to be funny, and although we know he’s likely to call his family at the end, we never really see the redemption arc that seems to be promised.

It’s not bad – and oh boy, will we get some worse ones – but it just never really gets off the ground for me.

Highlight: The ‘found sneakers’ callback. Even the audience seems relieved to have something to laugh at.

5/10 – Soggy roast potatoes.

Frasier Grinch (Season 3, episode 9)

OK, this one works a little better. It’s a simple plot, as most of the best Frasier episodes are: Frasier’s son Frederick is flying in for Christmas, Frasier’s excited, and gets delivered the wrong presents. This leads to one of the best lines in the entire show from Niles, who is fantastic throughout this episode:

I don’t know, everything just seems to work in this episode somehow. From Niles’s money troubles (“I’m calling her now to demand the restoration of my credit cards…and my bank account…and my phone service!), the KACL call with the caller torn about a flight to home or to vacation (“Mele Kaliki Maka, Bob”), Frasier’s parable being interrupted by a stripper (“YIKES!”….”One dark *pfff* windy night….”), Martin’s light decorating touch (“Shut up, I’ll hurt his feelings”) and so on, this is a homage to the best of Frasier’s writing. It’s sharp, it’s witty, it brings in all sorts of characters and conceit from Frasier himself, and compared to our first episode, it just has a warmer, comfortable feel that I more closely identify with the show as a whole. I suppose by this point the characters are bedded in, and this episode really benefits from that.

Even the heartwarming bit hits this time – after Frasier hilariously scams a hustler at the toy shop (“Niles, write the man a cheque”), and a heart-to-heart over Frasier’s habit of buying gifts people should want against what they do want, Martin saves the day by getting Freddy what he really wants – The Outlaw Laser Robo-Geek. It’s a lovely closer and a great example of how the writers developed the Martin-Frasier relationship from it’s difficult beginnings.

I don’t want to hand out awards too early, but looking at what’s still on the docket, I think there’s only one, maybe two, Frasier Christmas episodes better than this. It’s a great watch and a classic example of just how synergised the early seasons were, writing wise.

Highlight: “Yes, the Cranes, of Maine, have got your living brain” – absolutely perfect sitcom writing. Bravo.

9/10 – Yorkshire puddings, pigs in blankets, proper roast potatoes – just fantastic all round.

Perspectives On Christmas (Season 5, episode 9)

This episode is actually a nice inversion of the classic sitcom misunderstandings, as we get the same story told from multiple perspectives. Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Martin and Roz all have slightly different recollections of how the days leading up to Christmas have gone, leading to things like Daphne thinking Martin is dying, Frasier accidentally telling Roz’s mother that she’s pregnant, NIles having a fight with an elevator, and Marty trying manfully to learn ‘O Night’ for a Christmas pageant.

There are some wonderful classic Frasier moments here – anything involving the singing practice is fantastic, particularly Niles and Frasier’s opposing scales, while I can’t hear O Night any more without singing ‘DIVIIIIIIIIINE’ in a very obvious way. It actually has the feel of a sketch show with scenes stitched together at times, particularly with the zaniness of Niles’s story, but it’s a credit to the writers that they stitch it together well, culminating in Frasier’s ‘cheap’ Christmas present and the arrival of a masseuse to work out everyone’s tension.

Frasier usually shines the most when everyone gets a turn on the humour wheel (think ‘Ham Radio’ or ‘Look Before You Leap’) and that’s true here as well – there’s little Roz, for instance, but she nails her scenes (“Cmere, I’ll kiss ya…I’ll kiss ya GOOOOOD!”), while the big four are all on song – David Hyde Pierce excels, as usual, at physical comedy, while Daphne’s innocence paired with Marty’s delivery of Daphne’s misunderstood lines stands out too. Incidentally, the more Frasier I watch, the more convinced I am that John Mahoney was the best one in the cast, but that’s another article for another day.

Anyway. this is very very fun. I don’t think it reaches the heights of Frasier Grinch, but it’s a really good episode and shows just how on fire the show was through it’s middle seasons, a trend that continues for a while yet. Again, it’s a wonderfully warm episode and really captures the essence of what the show’s all about.

Highlight: “Oh night….”

8/10 – Sage and Onion stuffing. Not the best component, but a great one that would be missed.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz (Season 6, episode 10)

This is one of my crown jewels when it comes to Frasier episodes – everything connects together to create a wonderful farce, something Frasier does better than any sitcom this side of Fawlty Towers. A quick run-through – Frederick’s absence (again) at Christmas leads to Frasier taking a date with Faye (fabulous, forever Faye), a Jewish woman with an overbearing mother. After a successful blind date (despite two escape calls), Faye (and said mother, who got her the date) visits the Crane house at Christmas, where Martin and Frasier are having their usual fight over Christmas decorations.

One problem: Faye thinks Frasier’s Jewish and has told her mother so.

What follows is a brilliant Frasier farce: Frasier pretending to be Jewish and throwing out every Jewish word he can think of (including that his Bat Mitzvah was attended by the one who performed his circumcision…’no hard feelings’ indeed…a great piece of writing), Marty unwittingly performing the role of Jewish parent, then being coached by Niles into continuing (what, I have to give you an example?!), and Niles relishing his role as the irritant, throwing out some ridiculous Yiddish idioms and mostly just winding Frasier up to hell (Ooh, ham).

Where it eventually shines is in the denouement – a seemingly innocuous, although funny, mention of a Christmas play by Daphne spirals into Niles playing Jesus and re-entering the Crane apartment in full costume – which inevitably gives up the ruse when he’s caught sniffing a nasal spray in the toilet next to a Christmas tree (it’s a long story – honestly, just watch it) and leads to some fantastic lines.

There’s a slightly stereotypical laboured bit over a Jewish parent/child argument that plays out to resolve the Martin/Frasier conflict that I don’t exactly love, but it fits in with the lunacy of the episode. All in all, though, it’s a minor complaint, because the episode is comfortably in the top 10 Frasier episodes, and would have a decent shot at claiming it all.

Highlight: GET OOOOOOOOOUT!…..of that coat already! or JESUS! – Sometimes Kelsey Grammar overacts, but he’s pitched perfectly in this one.

10/10 – Perfectly cooked turkey.

The Fight Before Christmas (Season 7, episode 11)

We’re firmly in the ‘meh’ territory now unfortunately, as this uses Christmas as a backdrop to play out the continuing Niles/Daphne drama (my god, did they ever drag this out – it’s not resolved for another THIRTEEN episodes), as Niles meets with Maris(!) while with Mel to commemorate the death of their former gardener Yoshi. Predictably, misunderstanding ensues, as Frasier is more preoccupied with ‘Crane Party 1901’ going on at his apartment that evening. Mel is therefore angry at Niles, Niles is desperately trying to resolve it, meanwhile Daphne (newly aware of Niles’s feelings) is panicking about what Niles might do at the party…zzz.

Sorry, I just really don’t like this one. Mel is written to be odious and largely is, although her delivery of ‘What’s the little whore’s name?’ is up there as one of the best line deliveries in the show. Daphne meanwhile starts her decline pretty much from this point – she’s utterly pathetic at dealing with her feelings here, but it’s not even in an amusing way as Dark Side Of The Moon would make it A FULL ELEVEN EPISODES LATER. Sorry, I hate the length of this arc.

Frasier’s plot almost pulls the Christmas baubles out of the fire, thanks largely to his usual pomposity (SAVOURY LAAAAAAAAMB TENDERS!) and his desire to hide his party from his KACL workmates, but it doesn’t really ever come together in a meaningful way. This episode is way too drama-heavy for me and honestly not very memorable. Pretty much the only thing I ever end up recalling from this one is Daphne’s mocking of Roz (“Oh, not tonight, not while Donny’s here(!)”), which isn’t saying a lot. Meh, meh, meh.

Highlight: ‘So what’s the little whore’s name?’ – Frasier goes unexpectedly PG-13 and draws an uproarious laugh from me every time.

5/10 – The family argument drama around the dining table.

Mary Christmas (Season 8, Episode 8)

I mean, at least this is actually an attempted comedy episode.

Frasier tries to charm his way into hosting the Seattle Christmas Parade by making the lead anchor, Kelly Kirkland, a ‘hobo casserole’ (later hilariously deadpanned as a ‘hilbilly buffet’ by Frasier when he looks to have lost out on the job), and succeeds. Unfortunately for him, and the viewer, Kelly Kirkland pulls out with food poisoning, leading to him sharing the hosting duties with an old colleague instead: former KACL DJ ‘Dr’ Mary.

Yep, that’s where it goes off the rails.

It’s not that this episode is super terrible or anything, it definitely has it’s charm, and the fact it farcically ends with Frasier basically assaulting Santa Claus is quite funny, but it’s pretty slapstick, and lacks the sharpness and charm of earlier episodes. To be fair, this is firmly in the show’s weaker years, so it’s not a surprise, but Mary is basically a caricature at this point and it doesn’t really add anything to have her back here. If anything, Frasier’s interactions with Kelly Kirkland, Roz, and Kenny were the high point of the A plot, which doesn’t say much.

The B plot is somewhat humorous as Martin, Niles and Daphne end up opening pretty much all the presents while Frasier’s presenting, but honestly, it’s just a bit weak and a waste of their talent. It’s pretty clear that it was all meant to be Frasier-centric, but ah, it’s so so poor. It’s at least got some moments that raise a smile, so it’s above the prior episode, but it’s clear the show’s losing its way a bit at this point.

Highlight: Kelsey’s delivery of ‘hilbilly buffet’ or him assaulting Santa. Whatever you can say about Kelsey Grammar, he tries manfully to turn the bad episodes around.

5/10 – Overcooked turkey.

We Two Kings (Season 10, episode 10)

Firmly in Frasier’s nadir seasons of Season 9 (which didn’t even have a Christmas episode, that’s how uselessly bleak it was) and 10 (what the hell happened to this show?) comes We Two Kings, which is…fine I guess.

The central conceit is that the brothers, Niles and Frasier, can’t agree on where to spend Christmas, and they push it to Marty to answer. There’s some funny stuff in here, particularly Frasier’s bleating about ordering ‘an ‘Ungarian goose!’ which is Kelsey Grammar once again trying to elevate pretty average material. After days of one-upmanship and dirty tricks, Marty gets fed up and announces no one’s having Christmas, he’s working. While it’s quite funny watching the brothers bicker, I lose interest when it becomes clear Marty’s as sick of it as I am at this point. Perhaps it was the echo of Miracle On Third Or Fourth Street that put me off this episode, but I dislike any where the family conflict gets this bad.

Meanwhile, Roz is an elf and loves Santa. Less said the better. Save one ‘low elf-esteem’ crack from Frasier, this plot produces nothing of value, and Daphne’s extended puns are laboured at best. Meh. Thankfully, it’s binned with a decent payoff as Roz doesn’t like him out of his suit. Oh, Roz and her weird kinks.

Anyway, the boys end up scheming to surprise Marty at Christmas (including a very amusing Niles impression of his dad), but thanks to their Benny Hill like moving of the presents, everything ends up in the wrong place, and worse yet, Marty also tries to pull a surprise (by not actually working after all) and the presents end up under lock and key at Marty’s workplace.

There’s a nice ending to a conflict filled episode, where Martin forgives the boys, but it’s short on laughs for me, much like the first one we covered.

Highlight: “AN ‘UNGARIAN GOOOOOOOSE?!” – Good or bad material, Kelsey gives it his all.

6/10- Boxing Day leftovers.

High Holidays (Season 11, Episode 11)

Okay, now we’re back to something good. This is one of, possibly the best, late episodes of Frasier, and it all revolves around two very simple plot strands eventually tying together: Niles discovers he’s never rebelled against his parents, while Frasier is looking to record a Seattle tourism video. This episode doesn’t end up being about Frasier at all though – the starring roles go to Niles and Martin. Niles attempts to get stoned off a pot brownie (with associated, hilarious, drug lingo) with help from Roz, only for a dieting Marty to steal the brownie and eat it, thinking it’s a normal festive treat.

What follows is virtuoso work from both Hyde Pierce and Mahoney as each acts stoned – although only one actually is. Hyde Pierce in particular plays the ‘square wanting to be cool’ bit to perfection, and the ‘chilean seabass with an aggressive zinfandel’ line has gone down in meme history. Mahoney, meanwhile, steals the show as an unwitting stoner, his earnest delivery of ‘DOG ARMY’ and ‘THEY SHOULD LET EVERYBODY BE A GIANT FOR A DAY!’ adding perfectly to the madness. Couple this with a disappointment for Frasier as Eddie takes his voiceover role in the tourism video (utterly perplexing Marty, who now thinks Eddie can talk) and the hilarity just keeps on coming.

I could wax lyrical for paragraphs about just how funny they made this episode, but given some of the shlock in seasons 9 and 10, this is probably one of the best examples of how Frasier got it’s mojo back in its final season, helped along by the return of some of it’s original writers like Christopher Lloyd and Joe Keenan. The farce is set up perfectly, executed perfectly in script, and acted perfectly by the ensemble cast. It harkens back well enough to Moskowitz from earlier to be at least as good, if not better.

It’s also a great episode to choose when highlighting just how good the Frasier ensemble really was, as Frasier barely appears here, only really playing a setup role, while it’s his two supporting cast members who steal the show.

It’s hard to choose between this and Moskowitz…so I’m not going to. It’s a tie, and for the last Christmas episode of the original run, it’s a great way to go out.

Highlight: Anything Marty says stoned. FRIDGE PANTS!

10/10 – The best Christmas ever.

Revival Episodes

Reindeer Games (Season 1, Episode 10)

Look, the revival is not original Frasier. I get that. But what it is is a comfort show that provides fairly frequent laughs. By the end of season 1, it had really hit its stride, bedding in the new characters expertly and finding its own blend of humour.

Reindeer Games is a wonderful example of this – it’s gentle, but has some good lines in there still (‘The forest for the trees’ is extremely clever), and true to its characters. Nicholas Lyndhurst’s Alan Cornwall shines through constantly, for example, while Freddy progressively improves through the series and probably hits his Season 1 high point here. Like some of the original series episodes, it borders on parable, but unlike the original series, it seems much more comfortable in its comedy-drama footing, and therefore is able to hit that mark much more easily.

There’s good lines, humour and pathos, but obviously the highlight comes when an unexpected character makes a reappearance, as good old Roz shows up to turn Frasier’s Christmas around. I didn’t laugh out loud constantly through this, unlike High Holidays or Moskowitz, but what I did do was smile warmly through the whole thing and feel quite emotionally fulfilled. It’s Christmas TV without the pressure of wanting to be laugh a minute – it is comfortable in its own skin and all the better for it.

Highlight: Roz’s appearance and the subsequent audience meltdown.

7/10 – Good, solid, christmas cake.

Father Christmas (Season 2, episode 10)

In a similar vein to what I just wrote, Father Christmas isn’t a laugh a minute episode – the comedy’s gentle, and there’s some good lines, but it doesn’t reach the uproarious level of the best of Frasier. What it does do, though, is pack an obvious storyline with a ton of emotional heft.

In essence, Frasier, interfering as ever, tries to reunite Alan with his estranged daughter. And as you’d expect from the festive season, it happens, but as you’d also expect, Frasier’s meddling isn’t the reason why.

I can’t honestly say there’s a ton of comedy here, although Freddy does produce pretty well and they’ve somehow even made David a useful character – but the key is the end result, which mixes everything good about any iteration of Frasier into itself – its’s humorous, smart, and all those nice things, but more than anything, it just leaves you feeling warm and happy. Again, it does something that ‘old Frasier’ often failed to do, especially at Christmas: work it’s message and good feeling into something that works not just as humour but as drama too. I don’t know whether the new series will continue, and I know it, at best, divides fan opinion, but I can only say I absolutely loved this and feel that the show’s finding itself more and more as time goes on.

Highlight: Alan finally meets his granddaughter. It could’ve been schmaltzy and awful, but it worked tremendously well. Both he and Kelsey Grammar have acted their arses off in the revival and are starting to see the fruit of their labours.

8/10 – A warm Christmas pudding.

Final Scores and Summations

Merry Christmas Mrs Moskowitz (10/10)

High Holidays (10/10)

Frasier Grinch (9/10)

Perspectives On Christmas (8/10)

Father Christmas Revival Episode (8/10)

Reindeer Games Revival Episode (7/10)

We Two Kings (6/10)

Miracle On Third Or Fourth Street (5/10)

Mary Christmas (5/10)

The Fight Before Christmas (5/10)

Final thoughts – the top two are two of the best Frasier episodes full stop, so it’s only natural that they’re up top here. I side with Moskowitz by a hair over High Holidays just because I think it’s a touch smarter, but I could easily be swayed. Frasier Grinch is another episode that’s just purely great and it’s connection to Christmas is arbitrary, in terms of why it’s good. After that, the Christmas setting props up most episodes – Perspectives On Christmas is a great Christmas episode, but not near the top of the best Frasier episodes. Ditto for the two revival episodes – both lean heavily into the Christmas setting for its emotional heft and pathos, so while good, they would naturally score less than the episodes above them.

After that…well, it all gets a bit much of a muchness. We Two Kings tops the poor four because it’s actually attempting to be funny – the writing is laboured unlike the earlier seasons, and it just doesn’t really sparkle, but it’s still better than The Fight Before Christmas, because it’s still actually a comedy episode. Miracle suffers from the show not quite knowing or finding its tone yet, while Mary Christmas is everything wrong with mid-to-late Frasier – laboured, poor writing, and inexplicable use of unlikeable characters. It’s still better than Fight, though, because it’s actually a comedy episode. Not another chapter in a drama that will run for THIRTEEN MORE EPISODES.

Goddamn it.

Anyway, that’s all – hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. I love Frasier, and the holidays wouldn’t be the same without it.

Merry Christmas one and all, and see you soon. x

I’ll be once again predicting the NFL, and predicting the scorelines (kind of) every week. I’ll also be doing it in exactly the same way you’ve come to expect. Horribly. How did I do last season?

Last season: 141-110 – 0.562 win percentage

A strong Week 18 last season pushed me comfortably into the positive column – I had the record of an average-to-good NFL coach. Like, I dunno, Mike Tomlin, except people don’t act like I’ve just achieved Jesus-like miracles whenever I do the bare minimum.

So, can we keep that going this year? We start, like most NFL teams, on 0-0, and I love this time of year. Every team is good, and bad until the ball starts getting snapped. You could surprise everyone and go deep into the season, like the glorious Lions season last year, or you could surprise no one, and suck, like the Commanders, every year since about 1987.

Without further ado, let’s get into it, starting with the two games I didn’t predict, but will review- the opener and the NFL’s latest excursion into international waters. Sundays only on this channel, boys.

Kansas City 27, Baltimore 20

Tay-Tay got on a plane, plane, plane, plane, plane, just in time to see her boy once again win a game that he had no right to win. This worked out great again for the Chiefs, who are now seemingly using the world’s most popular recording artist as a psy-op so people forget that the NFL collectively allowed the team to draft Xavier Worthy, who already looks worthy (hey-hey!) of being in the lineup. Buffalo in particular should hang their heads in shame for allowing this to happen, because Worthy is the perfect match to Andy Reid’s system, and now we’re all going to suffer for it. At least, until Travis and Taylor have a messy midseason breakup.

Philadelphia 34, Green Bay 29 (in São Paulo, Brazil)

This game must have heated up, because at half-time it looked about as welcome a gift to Brazil as four more years of Bolsonaro. Difficult to know what to take from this game as both QBs had an off night – Jordan Love was hobbled, while Jalen Hurts looked as boom or bust as he was most of last season, once the 49ers ended them. Two good teams, still, I think, but starting them with an international game is horrible. Still, it’s the Eagles and Packers, so, crack on, NFL.

Pittsburgh at Atlanta

What an ugly, ugly game to start with. Most Week 1 games are an unknown, but this might be more unknown than most. Pittsburgh remain one of the strangest franchises in the NFL, having somehow psychologically convinced themselves that Mike Tomlin is a great coach, Russell Wilson is the answer at quarterback, AND they were going to get Brandon Aiyuk, all in the same offseason. I keep waiting for the wheels to entirely fall off Pittsburgh, and suspect this might be the year.

There was huge optimism around Atlanta too, as they finally replaced their Tecmo Bowl offense-running head coach, signed Kirk Cousins, who, while much maligned and a Thatcher lover, is a pretty good quarterback, and pulled a number of other interesting moves. Unfortunately, they then drafted Michael Penix in the first round. Listen, it’s not that he’s bad – I think he might even become a good NFL quarterback – but with everything else going on on that team, it was a horrible pick. Will this be the year, too, that Kyle Pitts finally breaks out? Nope. He’s a unicorn – in the sense that I’m not convinced he exists.

Atlanta wins this one, though, because they’re at home and a better side overall on paper.

Atlanta, one score.

Arizona at Buffalo

I think Arizona are going under a lot of people’s radar. They’ll live and die by Kyler Murray’s tiny little arms and tiny little legs, but I can’t doubt their coaching – witness some of the things they were able to despite a talent deficit all last season (beating some pretty good teams in a bad season), and also witness the way the Eagles fell off without their coordinator. So this game isn’t as clear cut as it would seem.

I don’t know what to make of Buffalo, because they are demonstrably not a poor team – constantly in and around the playoffs – but just not taking that next step constantly. NFL logic would suggest that they take a big step back at some point. I’ll guess it’s going to start here.

Arizona, one score.

Tennessee at Chicago

Two teams I’m intrigued by this year – Tennessee should improve with a new offensive approach and have some pretty talented young players, while the Bears start the hope cycle again with Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze, and to be honest, given how their defense played last season, and how they played for Matt Ecigarettefluid, I’m tipping them for a pretty good season, starting here with a narrow win.

Chicago, one score.

New England at Cincinnati

I mean, New England is starting Jacoby Brissett. Whatever the deal is with Ja’marr Chase and his illness, the Bengals are still going to have too much for them. Sorry, Pats fans, but you’re gonna suck til Maye gets in. And possibly after. And possibly for a while.

Cincinnati, two scores plus.

Houston at Indianapolis

This could be a great game, featuring two teams that will almost certainly be vying for AFC South supremacy, and two dynamic young quarterbacks. I’ll have a keen eye on this one. Picking a winner is tough, but I think Houston is a better team, so I’ll take them. Definitely not one I’d like to be putting money on, though.

Houston, one score.

Jacksonville at Miami

Two of the NFL’s biggest empty calorie teams collide! Jacksonville, full of hype, and ‘the best QB prospect in years’ in Trevor Lawrence (who’s produced little to nothing to show that) versus Miami, who always seem like they should be good and somehow aren’t good enough every year. I still think Miami has the talent to carry this one easily, but they’re getting close to put up or shut up time, much like Buffalo.

Miami, two scores plus.

Carolina at New Orleans

Intrigued by this – I’m not and have never been sold on the Dennis Allen Saints, whereas the Dave Canales Panthers are a complete unknown, but it’s hard to imagine they’d be worse than last year. I think I’ll make this my Upset Pick of The Week – new coach, lots of optimism, and a big result for Carolina to kick things off.

Carolina, one score.

Minnesota at NY Giants

Oof. It’s hard to pick a winner out of the landfill. A Sam Darnold (minus Kyle Shanahan) led Minnesota and a Daniel Jones led Giants team. With all Minnesota’s offseason drama, I’m taking the Giants, but, well, jeez.

NY, one score.

Las Vegas at LA Chargers

Harbaugh returns to the NFL – just when you thought it was safe to do signs on the sideline. This could actually be a really good game to start off with – I’ve no idea what to make of the Raiders, who have a pretty good roster but no quarterback, whereas the Chargers have a pretty good quarterback and a roster no one’s too sure about. Fortunately, the Raiders hired the Chargers old GM, so as long as they make him just look for a QB, everything will be fine. Harbaugh makes a winning start, I think.

LA, one score.

Denver at Seattle

Sorry, I can’t in good conscience take Bo Nix over a Seattle team that’s improving and seemingly hired the best coaches they possibly could. The NFC West is going to be an absolute war zone this year, and it’ll start with an easy Seattle win here.

Seattle, two scores plus.

Washington at Tampa Bay

I think Washington are on a good track, having hired Adam Peters and Dan Quinn, but it’s too early to pick them to win on the road against a solid Tampa team. They’ll put up a good fight, though, I’m projecting.

Tampa, one score.

Dallas at Cleveland

Tough call here – I love Cleveland’s defense, but in closer games, I tend to take the better offense, and unless Deshaun Watson is going to go back in time about five years, that’s not Cleveland. That said, Dak Prescott better be something he’s never been to be worth that insane contract they’ve just handed out. At least he’ll start good.

Dallas, one score.

LA Rams at Detroit

Playoff rematch, and I’ll predict a similar result because that Rams defense looks horrible and I expect the Lions to really confuse their fans by being good for a second year in a row. Big game for Sam LaPorta ahead – not very sure what the Rams strategy actually is with their defense and roster building.

Detroit, two scores plus.

NY Jets at San Francisco

And finally, I have to pick my own team’s game. Do not like. I’ll take us to win, because I remain unconvinced that the Jets are up to much – you can have Aaron Rodgers, but the rest of your roster is pretty, pretty, pretty bad. Go Niners.

San Francisco, two scores plus.

I kid.

Fate’s a fickle friend, and not something I’ve ever put much stock in. Maybe being born with a disability makes you like that, I dunno. Maybe I’m just a northern cynic. Maybe I’m just miserable. Maybe all of the above. But whenever anyone tells me something’s ‘meant to be’, I’ve usually rolled my eyes and looked the other way. Like astrology, spare ribs and Game Of Thrones, the enthusiasm is a thing I’ll never understand. Then, this year, the 49ers put together their best team in my 18 years watching the NFL (see more on that here), they came back twice in the playoffs, and now, on my birthday, on the date I publish this article, they’re playing for the Super Bowl against a team they definitely owe one to. The wait has been long, the week has been a nightmare (one lovely Harry Potter tour visit aside), and the words of a New Order song, natives of my now-hometown, ring around my ears.

Heaven knows, it’s got to be this time…

Does it? Fuck knows, honestly. I’ve sat down for every Super Bowl since 2005, and of all of them, this may be the hardest to call. I don’t feel certain we’ll win, like I did in 2013 against the Ravens, nor hopeful but certain we’re underdogs, as in 2020 versus those very same Chiefs. There’s no overwhelming favourite like Seattle versus Denver. There’s no obvious monolith like the Patriots holding up one side (although the Chiefs are verging on that boring, oh-fuck-they’re-in-the-playoffs-just-give-them-the-trophy territory at this point). There’s no unpredictable upstart like the Bengals. There’s no underdog like the Nick Foles Eagles. This is just simply two great teams colliding in the biggest game of the season.

Fuck the noise, fuck the Swifties and the alpha-males who hate them so much for reasons that can only be confined to their lack of penis size, this is football at it’s finest. I’ve read elsewhere that it’s a ‘boring’ matchup – only if excellence is boring. I mean no disrespect to any of the teams that lost along the way, but the idea of a grit-and-grind Lions versus the Ravens defense in a 17 point epic would put me to sleep faster than a sleeping pill from Courtney Love’s doctor. This is two great offenses, two good defenses, two great coaches, and one prize at the end. This is proper football.

So, you probably all want to know the big answer – Cranky’s a known 49ers fan, can we win it or not? The answer’s simple – turn up for all four quarters, and yes, I think the Niners nick it. Play half a game, like they did in the two games leading up? It’ll be over quickly, and not in a good way.

But fuck it, I believe. For all the 4ams. For all the playoff losses, for the Super Bowl losses, for the transatlantic trips, for the Deebo Samuel MVP runs, for the Brock Purdy discourse, for sticking around through Jim Tomsula, Chip Kelly, Brian Hoyer, CJ Beathard, and Nick Mullens. It’s got to be this time. Hasn’t it?

 As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

I first became aware of the NFL when my Dad would talk to me about his days watching the 1985 Bears and the punky QB known as McMahon on Channel 4 in the UK. As a kid of 7 or 8, the whole thing sounded insane to me, but I’ve always been a sports buff and lover, so I was intrigued. Not long after that, on a routine weekly shop to the local Tesco, my mother made my day by informing me she would buy me a Nintendo 64 game if I wanted. Faced with an avalanche of choices, my eye was drawn to this:

When I got home and played it later, the first team I selected turned out to be the team I’d follow forevermore – the Red and Gold, the historically great, the first alphabetically (in that game at least) San Francisco 49ers. I have vivid and strong memories of playing that game – having no idea what a salary cap was, wondering why the team never seemed to have any of it for me to make trades – and having absolutely no idea what was going on. An inauspicious start, but just like with any interest, I dug into more of it over the next few years.

The 49ers, it turned out, wore red, were historically great, but had fallen on hard times and weren’t winning games any more – not unlike my sports teams in football – Liverpool – and rugby league – Wigan Warriors – at the time. Hell, even my cricket team – Lancashire – won their last major trophy in 1998 before a pretty long drought. As I was learning about the 49ers, and the similarities kept hitting me – my teams wore red, all my teams were historically famous, but not so successful in the modern era. So…it was time to pick up another one. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I never really knew how to watch the NFL, and it’s popularity would die off a little bit in the UK in the 1990s, not helped by a series of baffling decisions, including letting little-known ‘alternative comedians’ The Vicious Boys present Channel 4’s coverage. Rumours, to this day, persist of their ‘friendship’ with producers at Channel 4 getting them a job they were wholly unqualified and unprepared for.

Anyway, suffice it to say that NFL was not exactly a hot television property in the UK, so it was often hard to find. Most of my NFL knowledge came from watching the odd highlight and score on Sky Sports News, and all I knew was that the 49ers weren’t doing too well, especially in 2004, when it felt like every week started with me eating a bowl of some terrible cereal before an equally terrible schoolday and looking at the TV screen to see them on the wrong end of another scoreline. By now, I’d upgraded to Madden 2005 (still the best Madden ever) on the Gamecube, and was learning ever more about the game. Unfortunately, the Niners sucked.

Around 2005, however, the 49ers were beginning a rebuild, and I managed to find coverage on Sky, which only felt fair, since they spend half their time showing extreme bass fishing and christ knows what else. So now, twice a Sunday, and overnight, I’d see NFL games, presented by the (in my view) all-time great duo of Kevin Cadle and Nick Halling, Better yet, I could video record (yep, really, it was 2005) Monday Night Football on Channel 5, presented, usually, by Mike Carlson and whoever they could get to sit in a studio between 1 and 4am on a Monday morning, firstly Colin Murray and latterly Danny Kelly. This gave me a grounding in the NFL, and I’d go on to coaching at the immortal Bolton Bulldogs the following year, but I still couldn’t scratch the 49er itch – we were bad enough to *never* be on TV. Oh, I also bought an NFL magazine/paper in the UK called First Down. RIP. Anywho, fast forward to 2006 onwards, and finally, I was able to watch the 49ers. Illegally. Via internet stream. God bless you, and RIP, TVUPlayer, Sopcast, et al.

I’ve rarely missed a 49ers game since then, either online or in person. I have seen three 49ers games in my life, and two of them were in San Francisco, which for me is the greatest goddamn city in the world. I saw Troy Smith beat a terrible Broncos team at Wembley. I saw Blaine Gabbert win a game as a starting quarterback, on my first visit to San Francisco. I watched Brian Hoyer start at QB for the 49ers in the 2017 season opener, and somehow, I snuck on the field before kickoff.

I stay up til 4am for Monday Night Football, I freeze to death in December watching Thursday Night Football, and I’ve stayed up for 2 – count em – 2 – heartbreaking Super Bowl losses, through Beyonce Powercuts. Do I feel qualified? You bet I do. (For those who get the in-joke, YES I DO). So this is my favourite 49ers lineup, 2005-2024. Enjoy.

Quarterback – Brock Purdy (2023-present)

There’s only one real choice here, unfortunately. Alex Smith had one beautiful redemption season under Harbaugh, Kaepernick hit the league like lightning for two and a half years, but after that, it’s almost that infamous Browns jersey of failed QBs. Ken Dorsey? Cody Pickett? JT O’Sullivan? Shaun Hill? I’m good, thanks. Garoppolo also gave a lot of good times, but taketh them away far too often with stupid errors, and I’m fairly sure the reason my anxiety is still so bad to this day is watching ‘Jimmy G’ drop back so much. Purdy himself, ‘elite’ or not, ‘system QB’ or not, and whatever else, is, at the time of writing, clearly the best talent to be behind centre in my years watching the Niners. Anyone who watches the games sees how good Purdy is – you can tell the ones who don’t.

Running Back – Frank Gore (2005-2014)

This is tougher, as between Gore and McCaffrey I’ve had the pleasure of seeing two probable Hall of Fame running backs in my time watching the Niners. I ended up going with Gore, because while McCaffrey is amazing, he’s more of a compliment to the main entree (the offense in general), than the whole meal, which Gore often was in those dreadful, dreadful dry years. Also, Gore played with toughness, heart, and passion for a series of terrible head coaches and offenses for almost his entire career, only getting a break, much like the fanbase, in the Harbaugh years. For these reasons, he always felt like the fans representative on the field, and I’m glad to see him back in the 49ers organisation – he’s one of us.

Fullback –

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fullback – Kyle Juszczyk (2017-Present)

This one’s pretty easy – we haven’t always used a fullback, and while Bruce Miller and Moran Norris were good players in their own right, the hard-to-spell one’s got to take the cake here. One of the first major signings of the Shanahan era, and one of the most unheralded but important players on the roster.

Tight End – Vernon Davis (2006-2015)

OK, so I get it – on pure talent, it should probably be George Kittle, and I love Kittle to pieces. He’s an extremely underrated part of what the team does now, and his character is basically ‘fanboy made good’, which makes him very hard not to root for. But you have to understand where the team, and I as a fan, was when Vernon Davis got drafted by us in 2006. I obsessively watched his college highlights, couldn’t wait for him to get on the field and help Alex Smith, and wore this Youtube video out for months afterwards:

Why? We had a playmaker, for what felt like the first time in forever (in my case, only 2 years, but that was more than enough!) and someone who was worth watching for explosive plays. It took a while to come together, and took in some bollockings by Mike Singletary along the way, but it was all worth it for one sweet, sweet playoff moment:

Those tears were ours as a fanbase. That reaction was mine in my home at 11pm. We had waited all those years for that moment. For me, it was my first playoff game as a fan – I had no idea what any of this felt like. Classic moment, classic player. Davis was dynamic and exciting at a time we were neither dynamic nor excited, and he had some huge moments for the team like the above, so while he probably didn’t have the production Kittle has had if I’m picking a favourite team, he’s in my heart and has to be in it.

Receivers

Deebo Samuel (2019-present) & Anquan Boldin (2013-2015)

I think my choices here perhaps speak more to my personal favouritism in how I like football to be played than anything specifically to do with ability. There’s an easy argument for Brandon Aiyuk of the current side here, whereas Michael Crabtree (“sorry receivah” game aside) would probably get some traction too. For me, it’s two of the best examples of tough, gritty receiver play to ever put on a 49ers uniform. Deebo is the heart and soul of the current bully-ball approach. He’s both capable of taking a game over running or catching the ball, as well as using his incredible YAC ability to flip the field in one play. Arguably his finest moment in my time as a fan was the 2021 season, when he dragged a flatlining team with an average QB to within 10 minutes of the Super Bowl. I was commonly heard to repeat the refrain ‘MVPeebo Samuel’ during the last 4-5 weeks of the strange, crazy ride, and by the end of it all, I was only half joking. He’s an incredible player, and 24 hours from the Super Bowl, will hopefully get his big moment in the sun tomorrow night.

Boldin is cut from the same cloth in a number of ways, and while not as freakish an athlete, may be one of the toughest players to ever play the game. He was a player I always loved watching in my nascent days following the NFL, so when he arrived via trade following the heart-breaking SB loss in 2013, there was a genuine excitement over getting to see him in my team’s uniform. While he may not have lit up the stat sheets a la Aiyuk or even Crabtree to a certain extent, I’ll always enjoy having got to see him fight in the early 2010 wars against Seattle, a fantastic player who could be remembered more fondly if we’d just got ourselves over the hump in those years. My one regret following the San Francisco trips is that I was unable to see him play – he was unfortunately injured when I first arrived in 2015. Still, always fun to remember him playing.

Offensive Line

Trent Williams (2020-present) – Mike Iupati (2010-2014) – Jonathan Goodwin (2011-2013) – Alex Boone (2009-2015) – Joe Staley (2007-2019)

I’m cheating a little to get Joe Staley in, by picking him in a position he only played in his rookie year (RT), but there’s no way he could miss out as one of the best five offensive linemen in my tenure watching the 49ers. Trent Williams is simply a better LT, but with no other good options on the bookend side, Staley, the one-club man, legend, and heartbreakingly two-time Super Bowl loser, comes in. These two guys can pass block like no one else, and are pretty nasty in the run game too. In a world where there barely seems to be enough good offensive linemen to travel the NFL as a whole, I feel fortunate to have largely had the 49ers QB’s blind side effectively protected for 16 of my 18 years watching.

The middle of the line is pure Harbaugh-era Niners – Iupati, Goodwin and Boone are all nasty, horrible run blockers, but also capable in the pass game. At one point in my life, I was an offensive line coach, so I absolutely loved the nasty, take no prisoners approach that Harbaugh’s power game employed. The Harbaugh Niners fought trench wars with Carolina, Seattle, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and many others, and thanks to that triumvate, often came out on top. Not bad, considering Jonathan Goodwin was an unheralded signing, and Boone was an alcoholic UDFA who most didn’t give a chance of sticking in the NFL. Iupati, meanwhile, held up well after being one of our first round choices in 2010, and in fact, has a position on a shelf in my bedroom, also held by his compatriot Anthony Davis:

The San Francisco corner of my bedroom – and yes, that’s a signed picture from Trent Baalke. In my defence, I got it in 2011, when he was briefly looking like a top executive in the league.

It’s quite shocking looking at how short Iupati and Goodwin’s tenures were, and arguably the Niners oline has never quite been as nasty and dominant since, although the development of the likes of Aaron Banks suggests that we may be making our way back there.

Defensive Line

I’m playing a 4-3 defense, and messing around with the alignments and positions a little to get the best 11 on the field…

Nick Bosa (2019-Present) – Justin Smith (2008-2014) – Arik Armstead (2015-present) – Aldon Smith (2011-2014)

In my time as a fan, the Niners have invested some pretty serious capital in the defensive line – not least currently, where Armstead and Bosa play alongside 1st round picks like Javon Kinlaw, heavy free agency investments like Javon Hargreave, and big trade splashes like Chase Young. It’s probably no surprise therefore that I’m capable of building a d-line to rival any team in history. Arguably Armstead looks like the weakest link of the four, but the fact I’ve seen his prime pushes him over one of the big names in the past like Bryant Young, whereas against more present-day contemporaries his longevity wins out over the likes of, say Deforest Buckner. Also, in this line, his do-everything attitude and run-stopping ability compliment the other three’s games tremendously.

Not much more can be said about Bosa than has already been by much more qualified luminaries than myself, but it’s pretty clear that he’s one of the best defensive players in the league right now, and his ascension to the 49ers, sparked by the bizarre decision of the Cardinals to take a baseball player #1 overall, is arguably the defining moment of the Shanahan era.

Away from the two current stars, it’s impossible not to pick the two-Smith tandem for the other spots, if only for their complete dominance in 2011 and 2012, up until Justin Smith’s triceps tear. The elder Smith (Justin) seemed a bizarre free agent signing by a flatlining coaching staff in 2008, but in fairness to messers McCloughan and Nolan, they had found a defensive leader and the heartbeat of what was to become the first great 49ers team in my era as a fan – they just werent around for it. Justin Smith came to perhaps embody the Harbaugh era more than any player – blue-collar tough, never giving in, and a grit and grind mentality that would make Dan Campbell bite his own kneecaps off in envy. It helps that his effort was matched by obvious talent, both against the run and pass – a truly multi-dimensional defensive threat that gave offensive lines fits. If he doesn’t tear his triceps leading into the 2012 playoffs, I’m convinced that the 49ers wouldn’t have just won the Super Bowl, but would have won it handily.

He could have been a one-man wrecking crew, but in Harbaugh’s first draft, he found a stable-mate in the neophyte passrusher Aldon Smith. To sum up Aldon Smith takes more words than I’m able to devote here, but he had the quickness and urgency of Bosa mixed with the power of Micah Parsons. To put it simply, he was a phenomenon. He would unfortunately flame out of the league after only really two full seasons at his best, and we’ll never know what have become of him, but in combination with his namesake, he was a true difference-maker of the kind that we wouldn’t see again as fans until Bosa would arrive in 2019.

Linebackers

Fred Warner (2018-present) – Patrick Willis (2007-2014) – Dre Greenlaw (2019-present)

Two of these were about as easy as they come. Willis can’t be left out of any all-time team, even, I suspect, for fans of a deeper vintage than myself – the man’s just gone into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and he was a difference-maker for the good teams (under Harbaugh) and the hard-to-watch teams (under almost everyone else). It’s a good thing that those noted football minds Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary managed to get past the fact he was ‘undersized’, because Willis could hit like a truck and cover like a defensive back. In many ways, Willis was one of the first standard bearers for the modern linebacker, expected to not just play the ‘run downs’, but be capable of covering the pass, too.

That brings us neatly on to the other two choices – and I’ll explain the difficult one too. First, the easy one – Fred Warner may be the best linebacker in football currently, and he flies around the field both in stopping the run and the pass. It’s not an exaggeration to say that almost the entire defensive scheme would probably fall apart if he wasn’t at the helm of it. He’s a truly special football player, who routinely makes insane and unlikely plays, and he’s the heartbeat of the ‘modern’ 49ers. It’s hard to imagine anyone getting beyond Willis or Warner in coverage.

To fill out the group, I went for Warner’s partner in crime, Greenlaw, rather than Willis’s, in Bowman. It ultimately boiled down to two reasons. I fucking loved Navorro Bowman, by the way – a fantastic player, a huge hitter, and a big leader on the teams who had the titanic battles with the Seahawks I loved so much. However, what he didn’t have in abundance were two things; one – coverage skills – in the Fangio 3-4 scheme he was very much the hitter and run stuffer, which wouldn’t fly in this scheme – but two, and more importantly, since I’m not putting this team out on the field – consistency. Bowman at his best may have been better than Greenlaw, but I feel like we only got to see Bowman’s best for maybe two years at best – sadly, the horrendous achilles injury robbed us of the best of him. Greenlaw, meanwhile, has been functioning at the top of his game pretty much since he arrived in San Francisco, and with great range and nasty hitting ability, he’s a great compliment to the other two here and a fantastic player in his own right. The best compliment you can give a player is that you feel better when he’s in the game, and that’s always true of Greenlaw.

Cornerbacks

Chartavius Ward (2022-present) – Carlos Rogers (2011-2013)

Cutting this down to two was actually harder than I expected – if you sit there long enough, you realise there’s usually been one good corner on the 49ers each year I’ve been watching (sans 2020 and the Brian Allen catastrophe!) – I considered, among others, Walt Harris, Tarell Brown and Demmondre Lenoir here, and even Richard Sherman in his brief rivalry-crossing spell (and I think that probably had some brilliant impacts off the field that we probably don’t give enough weight and credit to), but I eventually went with these two, even though Ward is fairly new and Rogers’ tenure was, like many of the Harbaugh era players I’ve picked out, quite short. The reasons why are fairly simple – if I’m picking top players, players I want to see, then I’m picking guys I don’t worry about in coverage. The current Niners are still really trying to find the best fit at #2 CB, but one thing they can (usually) guarantee is a couple of plays a game by Ward. Meanwhile, Rogers, while a flameout in Washington, was about as good as it got for us, making a Pro Bowl and leading an inexperienced DB group with some excellent playmaking. I’m keeping an eye on Lenoir to break in here if he continues his upward trajectory, though.

Side note – perhaps one of the interesting ones is that one of our most expensive signings ever, Nate Clements, didn’t even warrant slight consideration. What a bust. Maybe my all-bust team should be next…

Safeties

Jimmie Ward (2014-2022) – Donte ‘Hitner’ (2011-2013)

This was difficult, as there’s no real standouts – Dashon Goldson suffers from being a contract year hero, Tashaun Gipson doesn’t have the longevity to break in here, and nor does Hufanga – hopefully his door hasn’t closed, considering the ACL injury – while Jaquiski Tartt was a great player, but his last game, and *that* dropped INT, lingers in the memory. In the end, I’ve gone for one uber-consistent swiss army knife in Ward, and a standard-bearer for the brute years in Whitner.

I firmly believe that Ward might have become a fantastic player if various coaching staffs hadn’t messed around with his position on such a regular basis. As it was, he served the team admirably in multiple roles, before finally hitting his best in the Shanahan era at FS. He never gave any less than his best, and often made some great plays to go along with that.

Whitner, on the other hand, was a bit of a flash in the pan, but it was a blinding flash. In a defense that badly needed a hitter, leader, and someone to set the standard, Whitner never let down the 49ers. His hit on Pierre Thomas in the epic divisional game in 2011 may have actually been the moment that the 49ers – my 49ers – finally announced their return to the upper echelons.

And finally…

If I’m choosing specialists, then send me Robbie Gould, a man who never let down the 49ers, especially in the clutch (I hope Jake Moody isn’t needed tomorrow!) and probably Andy Lee to punt – the man with the golden leg who lit up some terrible 49ers teams.

Finally…we need a long-snapper. And who better to pick than the man who’s face exemplified the pre-Harbaugh years. Yeah, you know who it is…

God speed, Brian Jennings – and god bless you, San Francisco.

x

 As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Something different today for you all – a little preview of the NFC title game – an amuse bouche if you will, as we watch the Ravens and the Swifties knock ten lumps out of each other.

Why the NFC game? Well, if it’s not been obvious from all my NFL posts this season, I’m a 49ers fan. This is my seventh NFC title game tonight. We’ve won 2 of them, lost a couple in heartbreaking fashion, and got blown out in one, when we had to have Christian McCaffrey throw passes. What will tonight bring? The truth is, it could be anything. I’ve followed the 49ers since 2005, and if you are good and patient, you’ll see a nice article about that in the next few days, but this is probably the first time I can remember we’ve gone into the game as unabashed favourites. At the time of writing, the line has us -7.5, which honestly seems insane for the playoff game before the Super Bowl. It says a lot about where the team is, what the expectations are, and what this all means. In some ways, this might be the extent of the window for this team – we’re only set up cap wise for a few more years. So what wins it for us? Simply – stop the run on defense, run the ball well on offense. If we stop the run, Goff has to throw 35-40 times, and that’s not a strength of the Lions. If we run the ball well, it opens up play-action, and Purdy can hit those downfield passes he’s apparently incapable of.

There’s a million other mini-battles throughout the game that will make a difference, but ultimately I’m predicting a trench war of attrition between two of the best O and D lines in the NFL. God willing, heaven knows, its got to be this time…hasn’t it?

Now for something totally different, I’m going to pass you over to a good mate of mine, Lions supporter and Southerner (so my diametric opposite) Chris White, aka Blanco_619, for his thoughts on the game.

To quote a great song from Bloc Party’s debut album, so here we are…and did I see it coming? 100% not!

Let’s talk about these Lions. I knew we had something special early on with Dan and Brad, but this special? Nah, I don’t think anyone saw this. I think it speaks volumes, in a positive mindset, that we have no MVP candidates (yet Dak made an appearance – go figure?) because, despite having no real off-the-scale playmakers (though some future players potentially in this category being Gibbs, LaPorta and Amonra to name just 3) this team just oozes togetherness – this team has #AllGrit.

Which is lucky, because that’s exactly what we’ll need this weekend. Where do we sit now with The Cranky Englishman and his successful 9ers? Well, we are still massive underdogs. Yes, we need to be on our game, but I also feel, like a classic FA Cup tie, we need to catch them on a bad day… but hey, that’s “the magic of the playoffs” right?!

On paper where do we stand:
Hutch or Bosa? Bosa
Gibbs or CMC? CMC
Amonra or Deebo? Deebo

Goff or Purdy? Well… for me, this is where it may just play out. “Goff only plays in a dome.” Well. Goff played in Cali for most of his football career. So maybe this statement should be Goff only plays at home?I digress. How do I see this NFC Championship game going? Well, I’ll be honest, being HUGE underdogs I expect nothing, but hope for everything. Do I think we’ll make the Super Bowl? Of course not, but even if we don’t, it’s been an incredibly fun season!

LFG.

I concur.

Enjoy the game.

I wasn’t meant to make it for a variety of reasons – my impatient birth, incredibly tiny size, and complications left me hanging on a little bit – but thankfully, I did. Unfortunately, I was also lumbered with this pesky thing called cerebral palsy that would follow me around for the rest of my life. It never stopped me doing much, mind you – whether in a frame, on sticks, or on air, I would stand in our pub carpark (The Halsall Arms, in Halsall – it’s not there any more. Some say it never was) imitating Robbie Fowler, my childhood hero, time and time and time again. Sadly, kid me got to love watching the Reds, but never got to see them win trophies. That just wasn’t a thing for the Spice Boys. Failures in finals? Losing to Coventry every year? That was more our thing.

Thankfully, once I got a little older, we found ways to win – wins at the Millennium Stadium and Dortmund, among others, stick in my memory to this day. Then, of course, there was something I never thought I’d see, us winning the European Cup. Istanbul. Rafa. What a man. To this day I’d defend him – he was the first manager who actually felt like he would give me something to shout back at the glory-hunting United supporting knobheads at my school, by now in a tiny village called Euxton, in Lancashire. Suffice it to say, then, that I’ve supported Liverpool my entire life, good, bad, and Hodgson.

It wasn’t just a long-distance relationship, either – I got to go, sometimes. I’ll never forget the first time I went. My dad first took me to Anfield when I was 8 years old, and the crowd sang You’ll Never Walk Alone, and we both had our scarves in the air. I turned to look at him as we sang, and I saw him cry. It was the first time I’d seen him cry.

As a kid, I had no idea why he was so emotional. The following years would teach me why. For one thing, I don’t know if he ever expected to have football with me. Like I said, I wasn’t far from not making it to football age, let alone thinking that I would ever be mobile enough to navigate the steps and seats at Anfield. But it was more than that, Football leads you through emotions, good and bad, high and low, just like life. You remember the moments you spend watching it – being attacked by him in our living room in 2005, after the greatest comeback we’d ever seen, to win our first MAJOR trophy of my lifetime. All the big European wins. All the trophies. The devastation of 2014, and a million things inbetween.

I get it now. I really do. I spent my entire life being taught by this club that anything was possible, that you could follow your dreams, that you could be up against it and no matter what, you still had a chance. That was me. I was lucky enough to get myself fit and well enough to be independent – to pursue a comedy career, to travel to places I always dreamed of, and to even touch the top of a mountain I never thought I’d reach. Living alone. Imagine that, for a disabled kid who’s forever been called ‘cripple’ or ‘spaz’ or whatever. I was about to try doing something that I honestly never thought was possible. Better yet, I knew exactly where I wanted to be.

You’d think it would be Liverpool, wouldn’t you? Alas, no – my friends, my life, my narrative, my ambitions, they all took me to the opposite place – Manchester. I’m still there now, although I’m not sure I could honestly tell you what drew me here, and the reasons to stay dwindle by the day. But we’ll come back to that. I moved here in 2018, and by now, Liverpool had just come off a heartbreaking loss in the Champions League final, to a Lorius Karius inspired Real Madrid. No matter, though, as we were led by a different man now – Jurgen Klopp.

I think it’s impossible to state just how much Jurgen Klopp ‘gets’ Liverpool Football Club. You sit there and you see it in front of you, and the only thing that ever strikes you is how the man looked born to be there. Born to manage Liverpool. Born to be one of us, because he just understood how things worked. What Liverpool fans want, demand, and believe in. From the second he came in, it felt like he should’ve been there all his life, and in a strange way, that mirrored my own life, too. I was happy, healthy, and living alone and thriving. Disabled people don’t always have the happiest of lives. I was never the cheeriest person, I didn’t have the teenage, university years of memories that some people do – it took me a long time to find my independence. I felt like I didn’t really live my life until my mid-20s. That coincided with this run under Jurgen, and as such, I can honestly say that the 18 months between my initial move to Manchester in September 2018, to the inevitable COVID lockdown in March 2020, were probably the best of my life.

I was young, free, having fun, and I had kindred spirits in two of my still best friends in Patrick and Hugh, and had more fun watching football than ever. That run may have been the wildest of them all – first, the ridiculousness of the 2019 Champions League – in the midst, managing to go mental with people I never knew in Germany as Origi outduelled Messi – I’ll tell that story more fully one day, but it was the best night of them all. We somehow just missed out on the league by a point, but the season ended on the night of the final, and no matter what came of life, no matter where we had to go to see the game, I had my arms round my dad, singing You’ll Never Walk Alone, again. For those moments, Divock Origi will live forever, just as Alan Kennedy or David Fairclough or someone of that ilk did to my dad.

That crushing machine in 2020 should’ve ensured more lovely memories, but sadly, bigger things intervened when it came to the league. COVID and an incompetent government ensured I couldn’t have my arms around him or sing YNWA. I watched it on my own, in my flat, bored, lonely, and sad, but thankfully, the reds made sure that it was still our moment. Fair play to him, no matter the distance, he always messaged, texting as soon as the whistle went and saying ‘I was beginning to think I’d never see us win it again’. I know what he meant. He was 32, not too far from my age then, when we last won the league. I doubt he ever thought it would happen for both of us. But… it did. On top of the world, looking down on creation. So this is a happy story, right?

Wrong. Bump. It wasn’t long after we won the league, actually, that things started to go awry. A combination of lockdown, personal life difficulties, and the fact that the team looked utterly shagged out, left me feeling thoroughly miserable for most of the next year. I don’t want to overstate football’s importance to me – it is just a game, as all sports are – but when every single one of your sports teams shits the bed in the same season, and that season sees you locked inside and not seeing your mates (those who hadn’t moved after deciding city life wasn’t for them), and you’re predisposed to misery anyway, it tends to get you down. Even now, in the first embers of 2024, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever fully recovered from the affects of almost 3 years locked down.

In that time, we lost my Grandad, my dad’s dad, a football lover and wonderful man, who spent most of his time when I was younger indulging my passion for football – somehow finding the paper to tear up, fold, and put into your old football trophies, and sitting there watching me do stupid cup-draws out of them when I was a kid – to then watch me play the ties against myself! ‘Nottingham Forest…will play…’ – to this day, a cup draw makes me smile. In fact, any time to this day someone references CeeFax or I hear the Grandstand tune, I think of Saturdays I used to stay with him sometimes and watching the scores update and come in. I don’t think I’ve ever loved football as much as I did in those early 5-10 years, apart from under Klopp and I’m pretty sure it was down to things like that. Simpler stuff. So anyway, life was going awry, and with it, so were the reds. We all endured 2020/21, not least Klopp himself.

After so long away, I wasn’t watching games with people any more. Most games were just me, in my flat, on my own. I’d go out the odd time, but it was only occasionally. I barely saw my dad, and that was fine – we weren’t interested in infecting each other, and the games were hardly worth it anyway. Then, in 21/22, something really did change. We were good again. Propelled along by Dua Lipa and good thoughts, we almost did the impossible and came away with everything. I had a hell of a time watching us do it, first with my amazing friend Louise for the Carabao Cup final (she practically dragged me out, and it was the first game I’d watched in a pub in about 2 years), but not least in the FA Cup final, where my shouts of ‘WHEY FUCK OFF MOUNT YOU TORY CUNT’ probably still reverberate around The Footage. That was, now we could do it again, with Dad again, arm in arm, pissed, and happy. I was so happy after that final that I actually watched Eurovision for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it, too. Is this what being in a major city of culture does to you?

Sadly, we couldn’t make it stick, and following the loss to Madrid, my life went into a bit of a tailspin. I don’t need to get into it here, but a complicated personal life, crap professional life, and the numbing greyness of everything that life had become left me feeling about as bad as I ever had. The team also took their cue from me, being mostly irredeemably crap for that season. Still, the season ended, and despite some wonderful moments in my personal life, I was still pretty miserable. Come August, and I’m cutting out a lot here as the piece is long enough, but eventually, one Sunday night/Monday morning, I had to pick up the phone and admit the truth. I was depressed. It might be hard for you to understand why that was such a big thing for me, but as an already avowed Northerner, suffice it to say that people of my ilk aren’t really the first to admit to mental health problems. In Northern working-class families, the women show their emotions, the men show their arses (future teatowel). So it was quite hard for me to pick up the phone and record to my Dad that I was so depressed that I rarely, if ever, wanted to see the next day, and I think it was equally hard for him to hear.

He dealt with that by reinstating the best bond we had. Liverpool Football Club. Not a week later, we go down to the pub, starting a new tradition, to watch us play the new stinking face of sportswashing, Newcastle United. I was pretty vulnerable that day, and my mood wasn’t especially helped by the early sending-off and general ineptitude of the referees. Then, like a bolt of lightning, someone reminded me what football was all about.

Him! Possibly the face of Klopp 2.0. But also the face of what football is to me and was to me. Win, lose, draw in my own life, there was always them. The last 5 or 6 years, since I moved to the enemy territory, have been up and down, triumph and disaster, love and heartbreak, but I was saved by one thing. The fun of supporting Liverpool. Full of drama, and unforgettable moments, delivered on a season-by-season basis. There was that song. There were the tears when I remembered Grandad, or linked arms with my Dad to celebrate another trophy. There was reasons to live. There were reasons to believe. There were happy moments, sad moments, and everything in between. Maybe some people don’t ‘get’ football, or understand why it inspires such devotion, but that’s why. It can be a microcosm of life. It can lift your day or ruin it.

But it’s always there for you, and there was always Liverpool Football Club. There was always the games, there were always the drinks, there was always the song. Sitting here in 2024, I’m a better man now than I’ve ever been, with memories that will last forever, and more than most, at the heart of it all, was always Jurgen Klopp. Now he’s leaving, so I don’t know what happens next, for Liverpool Football Club, or for me. I’m sure it will be fine. If life’s taught me anything for the last 2 years, it’s that everything eventually will be at least tolerable. I don’t support Klopp Football Club, after all, but he understood it more than most of us ever will, and it’s hard not to feel like it will never quite feel just as fun, just as sweet, just as freeing, again. Still, we’ve got 4 more months of drinks with my Dad to enjoy. With any luck, we might lift a few more trophies and get to sing that song all over again.

Thank you for everything, Jurgen. You made the world a better place for me and everyone else for a while. YNWA. x

Porter Versus The World – 143-111 (13-4 last week, 6 correct margins)

A big week! As usual, my Bears upset pick backfired, whereas the 49ers reserves, Eagles, and Jacksonville rounded out my losers – and two of those teams are flatlining. We can analyse sacked coaches et al at some point in the future, but lets talk the Wildcard round!

Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans

This is a tough one to call, because are we getting Playoff Joe Flacco? If we do, the odds look good against the Texans, especially as the Browns have one of the best defenses in the playoffs. Houston’s inexperience in these situations also counts against them, and who knows how CJ Stroud handles the pressure of a playoff game? I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my hunch is that the Browns edge the Texans out in a relatively low scoring game.

Browns, one score.

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs

This seems tough to call too, but not because either team is doing especially well – both teams have lost their way of late, and complicating matters is the freezing cold conditions, that have already seen sideline reporters become Joey Tribbiani.

I’ll take the playoff experience, but I’m not sure it makes me happy to do so. I hope the weather doesn’t ruin what would’ve been an intriguing game, but rather adds to the intrigue. Mahomes may just find himself again against Miami.

Ps, Miami fans, you’re welcome, although the reverse jinx didn’t work last week.

Kansas City, one score.

Green Bay Packers at Dallas Cowboys

I think this is the easier call. I like Green Bay, Jordan Love might indeed be good (and stats wise, is up there in the upper echelon of QBs), and the receiving core has potential, but it’s a year too early for them against this Cowboys team. I don’t love the Cowboys when it really gets down to it, and you can’t rule out ‘Playoff Cowboys post 1995’ showing up, but I have to back the better and more experienced team at this stage of the season.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Buffalo Bills

This game is now slated for Monday due to the frankly ridiculous conditions in America’s Toronto, but in all honesty, nothing short of fire from Hades changes the outcome here. Pittsburgh swept the Ravens to get into the playoffs, but they’ve looked average-to-bad against almost every other good team, and while the conditions may suit them, Buffalo is red hot right now, and unlike years past, has a run game to get them through. Bills win an ugly one.

Buffalo, one score.

Los Angeles Rams at Detroit Lions

My personal favourite game of the weekend, and the hardest one to call in my opinion. The Rams were dead, buried, and read the last rites about a month and a half ago, but the resurgence of McVay as a playcaller, Stafford as a QB, and the emergence of Kyren Williams has suddenly made LA even sunnier than usual. I see a shootout here, as either the Lions need to keep up with the Rams or vice versa (and that Lions secondary is…bumpy, lets say), and a potential playoff classic. I believe in my heart that the Lions are the better team, but I have to make picks with my head, and something tells me a combination of LA’s experience, McVay’s savvy, and the obvious narrative of Stafford against the Lions works against Detroit. A ding-dong battle with a sad ending for the most put-apon of NFL franchises. As a 49ers fan, I really, really, really want to be wrong.

Rams, one score.

Philadelphia Eagles at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Well, shit. This should’ve been easy to call even as late as a month ago, but the Eagles implosion, Bucs improvement, and AJ Brown being out all point to a huge playoff upset. It’s a quirk of the NFL playoff rules that a team beating the worst team in the league 9-0 and barely winning its division can get a home playoff game, but if Tampa’s offense can get to 28 points, I think it’s defense can win them this one. And in all honesty, facing Matt Patricia’s defense, it would be an upset if they didn’t. I’m taking them, in what would, on the face of it, be a huge, huge upset, but in reality, probably won’t feel like one. Is Nick Sirianni in trouble…?

Tampa, one score.

Enjoy the best football of the year so far! (In theory). As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Porter versus The World – 130-107 (10-4 last week, 3 correct margins)

Bad week for the margins, but an excellent week for the picks, giving me a 0.548 percentage on the year, right above Jeff Fisher in NFL terms, but just below Chuck Knox. Can I drag it higher this week, or lower? Let’s find out.

Pittsburgh (9-7) at Baltimore (13-3)

With Baltimore resting half their starters, this unfortunately looks like a Pittsburgh win. Fortunately for the rest of the league, that ensures another year of Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh, so nothing to worry about for the foreseeable future.

Steelers, one score.

Houston (9-7) at Indianapolis (9-7)

Big playoff implications here, and I like both teams – Indy have been sneaky good all season, and are a fun watch as well, whereas if Houston make the playoffs, Demeco Ryans is a strong contender for coach of the year. It’s astounding where Houston are now compared to last year, and a strong pacifier for the likes of Carolina and Washington, who look lost at sea right now. It can happen to your franchise – if you get the right people in the right positions. So, who wins? That’s more difficult. I’ll take the team I like the most here, and back Houston to crash into the playoffs.

Houston, one score.

Atlanta (7-9) at New Orleans (8-8)

Big playoff implications here, and I hate both teams – New Orleans have been sneaky bad all season, and are a shit watch as well, whereas if Atlanta make the playoffs, Arthur Smith is a strong contender for worst coach to ever coach in a playoff game.

Hmm. I don’t actually think this game will matter, as Tampa beat Carolina (spoilers), but I’ll take New Orleans for being slightly less shit. Fire Arthur Smith – that team’s a head coach away from being good.

New Orleans, one score.

Cleveland (11-5) at Cincinnati (8-8)

Cleveland are resting a lot of starters, including everyone’s favourite NFL redemption story, Joe Flacco, so there’s only one winner here – basically, because if DTR could get it done, Flacco wouldn’t be there in the first place. A tough year for a good Cincinnati team, but they’ll be back, and with Joe Burrow, having ended on a reasonable high.

Cincinnati, one score.

Jacksonville (9-7) at Tennessee (5-11)

I could see Jacksonville finding a way to lose here, as they’ve been desperately poor lately, even in winning – but with the rumours swirling of a parting in Tennessee, I think they’ll just about do enough. As for Tennessee, Vrabel is a decent coach, but something clearly hasn’t worked the last two seasons, as he currently sits at 11-21 with one game to go. Twitter chatter of getting a first round pick for him just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

Jacksonville, one score.

Minnesota (7-9) at Detroit (11-5)

Minnesota need the win, whereas the Lions have the deckchairs largely out, unable to lift their seeding given likely wins for Philadelphia and Dallas (more spoilers!). However, I doubt Dan Campbell lets them have a week off, so I’ll take them to win, because Minnesota are pretty much pushing uphill as they have been all season. Big questions are heading their way in the offseason, especially at Quarterback.

Detroit, one score.

NY Jets (6-10) at New England (4-12)

Meh. Which team is less bad? Probably the Jets. Check back in next season for the Aaron Rodgers show, assuming he hasn’t been sued, imprisoned, or stabbed for calling someone a nonce with no evidence whatsoever. The man’s a fucking idiot, but the Jets had better be hoping he’s still a good Quarterback.

Jets, two scores plus.

Tampa Bay (8-8) at Carolina (2-14)

I’m not talking about Carolina any more, having backed them again last week to no end. Tampa wins, easy, and somehow gets a home playoff game.

Tampa, two scores plus.

Chicago (7-9) at Green Bay (8-8)

I’ve got Chicago here – I think they’re on a bit of a roll. It seems odd that, for all the caterwauling early in the year, the Bears were basically a couple of different results away from the playoffs. Are they trending upwards? It’s possible…

Green Bay certainly will trend upwards, I believe, in the next few seasons, but this one’s been a tough one, battling an experience gap at exactly the wrong time (as Detroit improved massively). Nonetheless, it should stand them in good stead for future seasons.

Chicago, one score.

Kansas City (10-6) at LA Chargers (5-11)

KC are resting Mahomes, but in all honesty, they could start Taylor Swift at QB and beat the Chargers. Next.

KC, two scores plus.

Philadelphia (11-5) at NY Giants (5-11)

Philly should win this, but then they should’ve won last week, and in several weeks this season, so we do have to consider that…

The Giants have had nothing to play for since November, and face a big offseason of tough decisions ahead. Some weapons for the QB – whoever that may be, but you’d expect it to be Daniel Jones – should be high on the list.

Philadelphia, two scores plus.

Dallas (11-5) at Washington (4-12)

Dallas wins, and continues to buff their record by beating shite. Next.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Denver (8-8) at Las Vegas (7-9)

Not much riding on this game playoff wise, but I fully expect that Denver is going to have a bloodbath of an offseason, so they’ll probably want to go into it with a win, especially over a division rival. The intrigue in Vegas is if one more win gets Antonio Pierce the job, as Jim Harbaugh rumours swirl…

I’ll take Vegas, as it’s a close game and they’re at home. A big offseason ahead for both teams, but probably bigger for Vegas, who have to get the decisions right this time around.

Vegas, one score.

LA Rams (9-7) at San Francisco (12-4)

This is the calmest I’ll be watching a 49ers game in a long time, with a first round bye locked up, several key players resting, and no good or bad news riding on the result. The fact we’re getting Darnold v Wentz is just a beautiful treat for anyone who loves broken toys. I’ll take my boys, as their depth is better, but honestly, this will just be fun to watch to see which no-names show up on film.

San Francisco, one score.

Seattle (8-8) at Arizona (4-12)

The Cardinals have beaten the Cowboys, Falcons, Steelers and Eagles this year.

What a strange football team.

It’s hard not to have optimism for the future in Arizona, they’ve been coached above their talent level for sure, and have some nice wins to show for it. I have to take Seattle, though, as they need the win a lot more. Seattle won’t be an easy team to beat in the playoffs, but conversely, it’s difficult to know which version of them turns up week-to-week. They’ll get the job done here, and probably easily, after a little back and forth.

Seattle, two scores plus.

Buffalo (10-6) at Miami (11-5)

This will be an amazing game, I can’t wait for this. It’s hard to believe Miami have let themselves fall back far enough to be in a 50/50 game for the division, but here we are. Meanwhile, Buffalo could actually drop out of the playoffs entirely if they lose, or be the #2 seed if they win! It’s an absolutely wild set of variances, and I’m not entirely sure the game won’t be the same. I’m going to back the hot hand, which is Buffalo, which should please those in upstate New York, but also those in Miami, as they usually fall on their arses whenever I pick them.

Buffalo, one score.

That’s a wrap on the regular season! Thank you for all your support this year – I never saw myself doing every week of picks, but as I hit publish, we’ve achieved it! If you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.