I’ll be once again predicting the NFL, and predicting the scorelines (kind of) every week. I’ll also be doing it in exactly the same way you’ve come to expect. Horribly. How did I do last season?

Last season: 141-110 – 0.562 win percentage

A strong Week 18 last season pushed me comfortably into the positive column – I had the record of an average-to-good NFL coach. Like, I dunno, Mike Tomlin, except people don’t act like I’ve just achieved Jesus-like miracles whenever I do the bare minimum.

So, can we keep that going this year? We start, like most NFL teams, on 0-0, and I love this time of year. Every team is good, and bad until the ball starts getting snapped. You could surprise everyone and go deep into the season, like the glorious Lions season last year, or you could surprise no one, and suck, like the Commanders, every year since about 1987.

Without further ado, let’s get into it, starting with the two games I didn’t predict, but will review- the opener and the NFL’s latest excursion into international waters. Sundays only on this channel, boys.

Kansas City 27, Baltimore 20

Tay-Tay got on a plane, plane, plane, plane, plane, just in time to see her boy once again win a game that he had no right to win. This worked out great again for the Chiefs, who are now seemingly using the world’s most popular recording artist as a psy-op so people forget that the NFL collectively allowed the team to draft Xavier Worthy, who already looks worthy (hey-hey!) of being in the lineup. Buffalo in particular should hang their heads in shame for allowing this to happen, because Worthy is the perfect match to Andy Reid’s system, and now we’re all going to suffer for it. At least, until Travis and Taylor have a messy midseason breakup.

Philadelphia 34, Green Bay 29 (in São Paulo, Brazil)

This game must have heated up, because at half-time it looked about as welcome a gift to Brazil as four more years of Bolsonaro. Difficult to know what to take from this game as both QBs had an off night – Jordan Love was hobbled, while Jalen Hurts looked as boom or bust as he was most of last season, once the 49ers ended them. Two good teams, still, I think, but starting them with an international game is horrible. Still, it’s the Eagles and Packers, so, crack on, NFL.

Pittsburgh at Atlanta

What an ugly, ugly game to start with. Most Week 1 games are an unknown, but this might be more unknown than most. Pittsburgh remain one of the strangest franchises in the NFL, having somehow psychologically convinced themselves that Mike Tomlin is a great coach, Russell Wilson is the answer at quarterback, AND they were going to get Brandon Aiyuk, all in the same offseason. I keep waiting for the wheels to entirely fall off Pittsburgh, and suspect this might be the year.

There was huge optimism around Atlanta too, as they finally replaced their Tecmo Bowl offense-running head coach, signed Kirk Cousins, who, while much maligned and a Thatcher lover, is a pretty good quarterback, and pulled a number of other interesting moves. Unfortunately, they then drafted Michael Penix in the first round. Listen, it’s not that he’s bad – I think he might even become a good NFL quarterback – but with everything else going on on that team, it was a horrible pick. Will this be the year, too, that Kyle Pitts finally breaks out? Nope. He’s a unicorn – in the sense that I’m not convinced he exists.

Atlanta wins this one, though, because they’re at home and a better side overall on paper.

Atlanta, one score.

Arizona at Buffalo

I think Arizona are going under a lot of people’s radar. They’ll live and die by Kyler Murray’s tiny little arms and tiny little legs, but I can’t doubt their coaching – witness some of the things they were able to despite a talent deficit all last season (beating some pretty good teams in a bad season), and also witness the way the Eagles fell off without their coordinator. So this game isn’t as clear cut as it would seem.

I don’t know what to make of Buffalo, because they are demonstrably not a poor team – constantly in and around the playoffs – but just not taking that next step constantly. NFL logic would suggest that they take a big step back at some point. I’ll guess it’s going to start here.

Arizona, one score.

Tennessee at Chicago

Two teams I’m intrigued by this year – Tennessee should improve with a new offensive approach and have some pretty talented young players, while the Bears start the hope cycle again with Caleb Williams and Rome Odunze, and to be honest, given how their defense played last season, and how they played for Matt Ecigarettefluid, I’m tipping them for a pretty good season, starting here with a narrow win.

Chicago, one score.

New England at Cincinnati

I mean, New England is starting Jacoby Brissett. Whatever the deal is with Ja’marr Chase and his illness, the Bengals are still going to have too much for them. Sorry, Pats fans, but you’re gonna suck til Maye gets in. And possibly after. And possibly for a while.

Cincinnati, two scores plus.

Houston at Indianapolis

This could be a great game, featuring two teams that will almost certainly be vying for AFC South supremacy, and two dynamic young quarterbacks. I’ll have a keen eye on this one. Picking a winner is tough, but I think Houston is a better team, so I’ll take them. Definitely not one I’d like to be putting money on, though.

Houston, one score.

Jacksonville at Miami

Two of the NFL’s biggest empty calorie teams collide! Jacksonville, full of hype, and ‘the best QB prospect in years’ in Trevor Lawrence (who’s produced little to nothing to show that) versus Miami, who always seem like they should be good and somehow aren’t good enough every year. I still think Miami has the talent to carry this one easily, but they’re getting close to put up or shut up time, much like Buffalo.

Miami, two scores plus.

Carolina at New Orleans

Intrigued by this – I’m not and have never been sold on the Dennis Allen Saints, whereas the Dave Canales Panthers are a complete unknown, but it’s hard to imagine they’d be worse than last year. I think I’ll make this my Upset Pick of The Week – new coach, lots of optimism, and a big result for Carolina to kick things off.

Carolina, one score.

Minnesota at NY Giants

Oof. It’s hard to pick a winner out of the landfill. A Sam Darnold (minus Kyle Shanahan) led Minnesota and a Daniel Jones led Giants team. With all Minnesota’s offseason drama, I’m taking the Giants, but, well, jeez.

NY, one score.

Las Vegas at LA Chargers

Harbaugh returns to the NFL – just when you thought it was safe to do signs on the sideline. This could actually be a really good game to start off with – I’ve no idea what to make of the Raiders, who have a pretty good roster but no quarterback, whereas the Chargers have a pretty good quarterback and a roster no one’s too sure about. Fortunately, the Raiders hired the Chargers old GM, so as long as they make him just look for a QB, everything will be fine. Harbaugh makes a winning start, I think.

LA, one score.

Denver at Seattle

Sorry, I can’t in good conscience take Bo Nix over a Seattle team that’s improving and seemingly hired the best coaches they possibly could. The NFC West is going to be an absolute war zone this year, and it’ll start with an easy Seattle win here.

Seattle, two scores plus.

Washington at Tampa Bay

I think Washington are on a good track, having hired Adam Peters and Dan Quinn, but it’s too early to pick them to win on the road against a solid Tampa team. They’ll put up a good fight, though, I’m projecting.

Tampa, one score.

Dallas at Cleveland

Tough call here – I love Cleveland’s defense, but in closer games, I tend to take the better offense, and unless Deshaun Watson is going to go back in time about five years, that’s not Cleveland. That said, Dak Prescott better be something he’s never been to be worth that insane contract they’ve just handed out. At least he’ll start good.

Dallas, one score.

LA Rams at Detroit

Playoff rematch, and I’ll predict a similar result because that Rams defense looks horrible and I expect the Lions to really confuse their fans by being good for a second year in a row. Big game for Sam LaPorta ahead – not very sure what the Rams strategy actually is with their defense and roster building.

Detroit, two scores plus.

NY Jets at San Francisco

And finally, I have to pick my own team’s game. Do not like. I’ll take us to win, because I remain unconvinced that the Jets are up to much – you can have Aaron Rodgers, but the rest of your roster is pretty, pretty, pretty bad. Go Niners.

San Francisco, two scores plus.

I kid.

Fate’s a fickle friend, and not something I’ve ever put much stock in. Maybe being born with a disability makes you like that, I dunno. Maybe I’m just a northern cynic. Maybe I’m just miserable. Maybe all of the above. But whenever anyone tells me something’s ‘meant to be’, I’ve usually rolled my eyes and looked the other way. Like astrology, spare ribs and Game Of Thrones, the enthusiasm is a thing I’ll never understand. Then, this year, the 49ers put together their best team in my 18 years watching the NFL (see more on that here), they came back twice in the playoffs, and now, on my birthday, on the date I publish this article, they’re playing for the Super Bowl against a team they definitely owe one to. The wait has been long, the week has been a nightmare (one lovely Harry Potter tour visit aside), and the words of a New Order song, natives of my now-hometown, ring around my ears.

Heaven knows, it’s got to be this time…

Does it? Fuck knows, honestly. I’ve sat down for every Super Bowl since 2005, and of all of them, this may be the hardest to call. I don’t feel certain we’ll win, like I did in 2013 against the Ravens, nor hopeful but certain we’re underdogs, as in 2020 versus those very same Chiefs. There’s no overwhelming favourite like Seattle versus Denver. There’s no obvious monolith like the Patriots holding up one side (although the Chiefs are verging on that boring, oh-fuck-they’re-in-the-playoffs-just-give-them-the-trophy territory at this point). There’s no unpredictable upstart like the Bengals. There’s no underdog like the Nick Foles Eagles. This is just simply two great teams colliding in the biggest game of the season.

Fuck the noise, fuck the Swifties and the alpha-males who hate them so much for reasons that can only be confined to their lack of penis size, this is football at it’s finest. I’ve read elsewhere that it’s a ‘boring’ matchup – only if excellence is boring. I mean no disrespect to any of the teams that lost along the way, but the idea of a grit-and-grind Lions versus the Ravens defense in a 17 point epic would put me to sleep faster than a sleeping pill from Courtney Love’s doctor. This is two great offenses, two good defenses, two great coaches, and one prize at the end. This is proper football.

So, you probably all want to know the big answer – Cranky’s a known 49ers fan, can we win it or not? The answer’s simple – turn up for all four quarters, and yes, I think the Niners nick it. Play half a game, like they did in the two games leading up? It’ll be over quickly, and not in a good way.

But fuck it, I believe. For all the 4ams. For all the playoff losses, for the Super Bowl losses, for the transatlantic trips, for the Deebo Samuel MVP runs, for the Brock Purdy discourse, for sticking around through Jim Tomsula, Chip Kelly, Brian Hoyer, CJ Beathard, and Nick Mullens. It’s got to be this time. Hasn’t it?

 As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

I first became aware of the NFL when my Dad would talk to me about his days watching the 1985 Bears and the punky QB known as McMahon on Channel 4 in the UK. As a kid of 7 or 8, the whole thing sounded insane to me, but I’ve always been a sports buff and lover, so I was intrigued. Not long after that, on a routine weekly shop to the local Tesco, my mother made my day by informing me she would buy me a Nintendo 64 game if I wanted. Faced with an avalanche of choices, my eye was drawn to this:

When I got home and played it later, the first team I selected turned out to be the team I’d follow forevermore – the Red and Gold, the historically great, the first alphabetically (in that game at least) San Francisco 49ers. I have vivid and strong memories of playing that game – having no idea what a salary cap was, wondering why the team never seemed to have any of it for me to make trades – and having absolutely no idea what was going on. An inauspicious start, but just like with any interest, I dug into more of it over the next few years.

The 49ers, it turned out, wore red, were historically great, but had fallen on hard times and weren’t winning games any more – not unlike my sports teams in football – Liverpool – and rugby league – Wigan Warriors – at the time. Hell, even my cricket team – Lancashire – won their last major trophy in 1998 before a pretty long drought. As I was learning about the 49ers, and the similarities kept hitting me – my teams wore red, all my teams were historically famous, but not so successful in the modern era. So…it was time to pick up another one. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I never really knew how to watch the NFL, and it’s popularity would die off a little bit in the UK in the 1990s, not helped by a series of baffling decisions, including letting little-known ‘alternative comedians’ The Vicious Boys present Channel 4’s coverage. Rumours, to this day, persist of their ‘friendship’ with producers at Channel 4 getting them a job they were wholly unqualified and unprepared for.

Anyway, suffice it to say that NFL was not exactly a hot television property in the UK, so it was often hard to find. Most of my NFL knowledge came from watching the odd highlight and score on Sky Sports News, and all I knew was that the 49ers weren’t doing too well, especially in 2004, when it felt like every week started with me eating a bowl of some terrible cereal before an equally terrible schoolday and looking at the TV screen to see them on the wrong end of another scoreline. By now, I’d upgraded to Madden 2005 (still the best Madden ever) on the Gamecube, and was learning ever more about the game. Unfortunately, the Niners sucked.

Around 2005, however, the 49ers were beginning a rebuild, and I managed to find coverage on Sky, which only felt fair, since they spend half their time showing extreme bass fishing and christ knows what else. So now, twice a Sunday, and overnight, I’d see NFL games, presented by the (in my view) all-time great duo of Kevin Cadle and Nick Halling, Better yet, I could video record (yep, really, it was 2005) Monday Night Football on Channel 5, presented, usually, by Mike Carlson and whoever they could get to sit in a studio between 1 and 4am on a Monday morning, firstly Colin Murray and latterly Danny Kelly. This gave me a grounding in the NFL, and I’d go on to coaching at the immortal Bolton Bulldogs the following year, but I still couldn’t scratch the 49er itch – we were bad enough to *never* be on TV. Oh, I also bought an NFL magazine/paper in the UK called First Down. RIP. Anywho, fast forward to 2006 onwards, and finally, I was able to watch the 49ers. Illegally. Via internet stream. God bless you, and RIP, TVUPlayer, Sopcast, et al.

I’ve rarely missed a 49ers game since then, either online or in person. I have seen three 49ers games in my life, and two of them were in San Francisco, which for me is the greatest goddamn city in the world. I saw Troy Smith beat a terrible Broncos team at Wembley. I saw Blaine Gabbert win a game as a starting quarterback, on my first visit to San Francisco. I watched Brian Hoyer start at QB for the 49ers in the 2017 season opener, and somehow, I snuck on the field before kickoff.

I stay up til 4am for Monday Night Football, I freeze to death in December watching Thursday Night Football, and I’ve stayed up for 2 – count em – 2 – heartbreaking Super Bowl losses, through Beyonce Powercuts. Do I feel qualified? You bet I do. (For those who get the in-joke, YES I DO). So this is my favourite 49ers lineup, 2005-2024. Enjoy.

Quarterback – Brock Purdy (2023-present)

There’s only one real choice here, unfortunately. Alex Smith had one beautiful redemption season under Harbaugh, Kaepernick hit the league like lightning for two and a half years, but after that, it’s almost that infamous Browns jersey of failed QBs. Ken Dorsey? Cody Pickett? JT O’Sullivan? Shaun Hill? I’m good, thanks. Garoppolo also gave a lot of good times, but taketh them away far too often with stupid errors, and I’m fairly sure the reason my anxiety is still so bad to this day is watching ‘Jimmy G’ drop back so much. Purdy himself, ‘elite’ or not, ‘system QB’ or not, and whatever else, is, at the time of writing, clearly the best talent to be behind centre in my years watching the Niners. Anyone who watches the games sees how good Purdy is – you can tell the ones who don’t.

Running Back – Frank Gore (2005-2014)

This is tougher, as between Gore and McCaffrey I’ve had the pleasure of seeing two probable Hall of Fame running backs in my time watching the Niners. I ended up going with Gore, because while McCaffrey is amazing, he’s more of a compliment to the main entree (the offense in general), than the whole meal, which Gore often was in those dreadful, dreadful dry years. Also, Gore played with toughness, heart, and passion for a series of terrible head coaches and offenses for almost his entire career, only getting a break, much like the fanbase, in the Harbaugh years. For these reasons, he always felt like the fans representative on the field, and I’m glad to see him back in the 49ers organisation – he’s one of us.

Fullback –

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fullback – Kyle Juszczyk (2017-Present)

This one’s pretty easy – we haven’t always used a fullback, and while Bruce Miller and Moran Norris were good players in their own right, the hard-to-spell one’s got to take the cake here. One of the first major signings of the Shanahan era, and one of the most unheralded but important players on the roster.

Tight End – Vernon Davis (2006-2015)

OK, so I get it – on pure talent, it should probably be George Kittle, and I love Kittle to pieces. He’s an extremely underrated part of what the team does now, and his character is basically ‘fanboy made good’, which makes him very hard not to root for. But you have to understand where the team, and I as a fan, was when Vernon Davis got drafted by us in 2006. I obsessively watched his college highlights, couldn’t wait for him to get on the field and help Alex Smith, and wore this Youtube video out for months afterwards:

Why? We had a playmaker, for what felt like the first time in forever (in my case, only 2 years, but that was more than enough!) and someone who was worth watching for explosive plays. It took a while to come together, and took in some bollockings by Mike Singletary along the way, but it was all worth it for one sweet, sweet playoff moment:

Those tears were ours as a fanbase. That reaction was mine in my home at 11pm. We had waited all those years for that moment. For me, it was my first playoff game as a fan – I had no idea what any of this felt like. Classic moment, classic player. Davis was dynamic and exciting at a time we were neither dynamic nor excited, and he had some huge moments for the team like the above, so while he probably didn’t have the production Kittle has had if I’m picking a favourite team, he’s in my heart and has to be in it.

Receivers

Deebo Samuel (2019-present) & Anquan Boldin (2013-2015)

I think my choices here perhaps speak more to my personal favouritism in how I like football to be played than anything specifically to do with ability. There’s an easy argument for Brandon Aiyuk of the current side here, whereas Michael Crabtree (“sorry receivah” game aside) would probably get some traction too. For me, it’s two of the best examples of tough, gritty receiver play to ever put on a 49ers uniform. Deebo is the heart and soul of the current bully-ball approach. He’s both capable of taking a game over running or catching the ball, as well as using his incredible YAC ability to flip the field in one play. Arguably his finest moment in my time as a fan was the 2021 season, when he dragged a flatlining team with an average QB to within 10 minutes of the Super Bowl. I was commonly heard to repeat the refrain ‘MVPeebo Samuel’ during the last 4-5 weeks of the strange, crazy ride, and by the end of it all, I was only half joking. He’s an incredible player, and 24 hours from the Super Bowl, will hopefully get his big moment in the sun tomorrow night.

Boldin is cut from the same cloth in a number of ways, and while not as freakish an athlete, may be one of the toughest players to ever play the game. He was a player I always loved watching in my nascent days following the NFL, so when he arrived via trade following the heart-breaking SB loss in 2013, there was a genuine excitement over getting to see him in my team’s uniform. While he may not have lit up the stat sheets a la Aiyuk or even Crabtree to a certain extent, I’ll always enjoy having got to see him fight in the early 2010 wars against Seattle, a fantastic player who could be remembered more fondly if we’d just got ourselves over the hump in those years. My one regret following the San Francisco trips is that I was unable to see him play – he was unfortunately injured when I first arrived in 2015. Still, always fun to remember him playing.

Offensive Line

Trent Williams (2020-present) – Mike Iupati (2010-2014) – Jonathan Goodwin (2011-2013) – Alex Boone (2009-2015) – Joe Staley (2007-2019)

I’m cheating a little to get Joe Staley in, by picking him in a position he only played in his rookie year (RT), but there’s no way he could miss out as one of the best five offensive linemen in my tenure watching the 49ers. Trent Williams is simply a better LT, but with no other good options on the bookend side, Staley, the one-club man, legend, and heartbreakingly two-time Super Bowl loser, comes in. These two guys can pass block like no one else, and are pretty nasty in the run game too. In a world where there barely seems to be enough good offensive linemen to travel the NFL as a whole, I feel fortunate to have largely had the 49ers QB’s blind side effectively protected for 16 of my 18 years watching.

The middle of the line is pure Harbaugh-era Niners – Iupati, Goodwin and Boone are all nasty, horrible run blockers, but also capable in the pass game. At one point in my life, I was an offensive line coach, so I absolutely loved the nasty, take no prisoners approach that Harbaugh’s power game employed. The Harbaugh Niners fought trench wars with Carolina, Seattle, Pittsburgh, Baltimore and many others, and thanks to that triumvate, often came out on top. Not bad, considering Jonathan Goodwin was an unheralded signing, and Boone was an alcoholic UDFA who most didn’t give a chance of sticking in the NFL. Iupati, meanwhile, held up well after being one of our first round choices in 2010, and in fact, has a position on a shelf in my bedroom, also held by his compatriot Anthony Davis:

The San Francisco corner of my bedroom – and yes, that’s a signed picture from Trent Baalke. In my defence, I got it in 2011, when he was briefly looking like a top executive in the league.

It’s quite shocking looking at how short Iupati and Goodwin’s tenures were, and arguably the Niners oline has never quite been as nasty and dominant since, although the development of the likes of Aaron Banks suggests that we may be making our way back there.

Defensive Line

I’m playing a 4-3 defense, and messing around with the alignments and positions a little to get the best 11 on the field…

Nick Bosa (2019-Present) – Justin Smith (2008-2014) – Arik Armstead (2015-present) – Aldon Smith (2011-2014)

In my time as a fan, the Niners have invested some pretty serious capital in the defensive line – not least currently, where Armstead and Bosa play alongside 1st round picks like Javon Kinlaw, heavy free agency investments like Javon Hargreave, and big trade splashes like Chase Young. It’s probably no surprise therefore that I’m capable of building a d-line to rival any team in history. Arguably Armstead looks like the weakest link of the four, but the fact I’ve seen his prime pushes him over one of the big names in the past like Bryant Young, whereas against more present-day contemporaries his longevity wins out over the likes of, say Deforest Buckner. Also, in this line, his do-everything attitude and run-stopping ability compliment the other three’s games tremendously.

Not much more can be said about Bosa than has already been by much more qualified luminaries than myself, but it’s pretty clear that he’s one of the best defensive players in the league right now, and his ascension to the 49ers, sparked by the bizarre decision of the Cardinals to take a baseball player #1 overall, is arguably the defining moment of the Shanahan era.

Away from the two current stars, it’s impossible not to pick the two-Smith tandem for the other spots, if only for their complete dominance in 2011 and 2012, up until Justin Smith’s triceps tear. The elder Smith (Justin) seemed a bizarre free agent signing by a flatlining coaching staff in 2008, but in fairness to messers McCloughan and Nolan, they had found a defensive leader and the heartbeat of what was to become the first great 49ers team in my era as a fan – they just werent around for it. Justin Smith came to perhaps embody the Harbaugh era more than any player – blue-collar tough, never giving in, and a grit and grind mentality that would make Dan Campbell bite his own kneecaps off in envy. It helps that his effort was matched by obvious talent, both against the run and pass – a truly multi-dimensional defensive threat that gave offensive lines fits. If he doesn’t tear his triceps leading into the 2012 playoffs, I’m convinced that the 49ers wouldn’t have just won the Super Bowl, but would have won it handily.

He could have been a one-man wrecking crew, but in Harbaugh’s first draft, he found a stable-mate in the neophyte passrusher Aldon Smith. To sum up Aldon Smith takes more words than I’m able to devote here, but he had the quickness and urgency of Bosa mixed with the power of Micah Parsons. To put it simply, he was a phenomenon. He would unfortunately flame out of the league after only really two full seasons at his best, and we’ll never know what have become of him, but in combination with his namesake, he was a true difference-maker of the kind that we wouldn’t see again as fans until Bosa would arrive in 2019.

Linebackers

Fred Warner (2018-present) – Patrick Willis (2007-2014) – Dre Greenlaw (2019-present)

Two of these were about as easy as they come. Willis can’t be left out of any all-time team, even, I suspect, for fans of a deeper vintage than myself – the man’s just gone into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and he was a difference-maker for the good teams (under Harbaugh) and the hard-to-watch teams (under almost everyone else). It’s a good thing that those noted football minds Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary managed to get past the fact he was ‘undersized’, because Willis could hit like a truck and cover like a defensive back. In many ways, Willis was one of the first standard bearers for the modern linebacker, expected to not just play the ‘run downs’, but be capable of covering the pass, too.

That brings us neatly on to the other two choices – and I’ll explain the difficult one too. First, the easy one – Fred Warner may be the best linebacker in football currently, and he flies around the field both in stopping the run and the pass. It’s not an exaggeration to say that almost the entire defensive scheme would probably fall apart if he wasn’t at the helm of it. He’s a truly special football player, who routinely makes insane and unlikely plays, and he’s the heartbeat of the ‘modern’ 49ers. It’s hard to imagine anyone getting beyond Willis or Warner in coverage.

To fill out the group, I went for Warner’s partner in crime, Greenlaw, rather than Willis’s, in Bowman. It ultimately boiled down to two reasons. I fucking loved Navorro Bowman, by the way – a fantastic player, a huge hitter, and a big leader on the teams who had the titanic battles with the Seahawks I loved so much. However, what he didn’t have in abundance were two things; one – coverage skills – in the Fangio 3-4 scheme he was very much the hitter and run stuffer, which wouldn’t fly in this scheme – but two, and more importantly, since I’m not putting this team out on the field – consistency. Bowman at his best may have been better than Greenlaw, but I feel like we only got to see Bowman’s best for maybe two years at best – sadly, the horrendous achilles injury robbed us of the best of him. Greenlaw, meanwhile, has been functioning at the top of his game pretty much since he arrived in San Francisco, and with great range and nasty hitting ability, he’s a great compliment to the other two here and a fantastic player in his own right. The best compliment you can give a player is that you feel better when he’s in the game, and that’s always true of Greenlaw.

Cornerbacks

Chartavius Ward (2022-present) – Carlos Rogers (2011-2013)

Cutting this down to two was actually harder than I expected – if you sit there long enough, you realise there’s usually been one good corner on the 49ers each year I’ve been watching (sans 2020 and the Brian Allen catastrophe!) – I considered, among others, Walt Harris, Tarell Brown and Demmondre Lenoir here, and even Richard Sherman in his brief rivalry-crossing spell (and I think that probably had some brilliant impacts off the field that we probably don’t give enough weight and credit to), but I eventually went with these two, even though Ward is fairly new and Rogers’ tenure was, like many of the Harbaugh era players I’ve picked out, quite short. The reasons why are fairly simple – if I’m picking top players, players I want to see, then I’m picking guys I don’t worry about in coverage. The current Niners are still really trying to find the best fit at #2 CB, but one thing they can (usually) guarantee is a couple of plays a game by Ward. Meanwhile, Rogers, while a flameout in Washington, was about as good as it got for us, making a Pro Bowl and leading an inexperienced DB group with some excellent playmaking. I’m keeping an eye on Lenoir to break in here if he continues his upward trajectory, though.

Side note – perhaps one of the interesting ones is that one of our most expensive signings ever, Nate Clements, didn’t even warrant slight consideration. What a bust. Maybe my all-bust team should be next…

Safeties

Jimmie Ward (2014-2022) – Donte ‘Hitner’ (2011-2013)

This was difficult, as there’s no real standouts – Dashon Goldson suffers from being a contract year hero, Tashaun Gipson doesn’t have the longevity to break in here, and nor does Hufanga – hopefully his door hasn’t closed, considering the ACL injury – while Jaquiski Tartt was a great player, but his last game, and *that* dropped INT, lingers in the memory. In the end, I’ve gone for one uber-consistent swiss army knife in Ward, and a standard-bearer for the brute years in Whitner.

I firmly believe that Ward might have become a fantastic player if various coaching staffs hadn’t messed around with his position on such a regular basis. As it was, he served the team admirably in multiple roles, before finally hitting his best in the Shanahan era at FS. He never gave any less than his best, and often made some great plays to go along with that.

Whitner, on the other hand, was a bit of a flash in the pan, but it was a blinding flash. In a defense that badly needed a hitter, leader, and someone to set the standard, Whitner never let down the 49ers. His hit on Pierre Thomas in the epic divisional game in 2011 may have actually been the moment that the 49ers – my 49ers – finally announced their return to the upper echelons.

And finally…

If I’m choosing specialists, then send me Robbie Gould, a man who never let down the 49ers, especially in the clutch (I hope Jake Moody isn’t needed tomorrow!) and probably Andy Lee to punt – the man with the golden leg who lit up some terrible 49ers teams.

Finally…we need a long-snapper. And who better to pick than the man who’s face exemplified the pre-Harbaugh years. Yeah, you know who it is…

God speed, Brian Jennings – and god bless you, San Francisco.

x

 As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Something different today for you all – a little preview of the NFC title game – an amuse bouche if you will, as we watch the Ravens and the Swifties knock ten lumps out of each other.

Why the NFC game? Well, if it’s not been obvious from all my NFL posts this season, I’m a 49ers fan. This is my seventh NFC title game tonight. We’ve won 2 of them, lost a couple in heartbreaking fashion, and got blown out in one, when we had to have Christian McCaffrey throw passes. What will tonight bring? The truth is, it could be anything. I’ve followed the 49ers since 2005, and if you are good and patient, you’ll see a nice article about that in the next few days, but this is probably the first time I can remember we’ve gone into the game as unabashed favourites. At the time of writing, the line has us -7.5, which honestly seems insane for the playoff game before the Super Bowl. It says a lot about where the team is, what the expectations are, and what this all means. In some ways, this might be the extent of the window for this team – we’re only set up cap wise for a few more years. So what wins it for us? Simply – stop the run on defense, run the ball well on offense. If we stop the run, Goff has to throw 35-40 times, and that’s not a strength of the Lions. If we run the ball well, it opens up play-action, and Purdy can hit those downfield passes he’s apparently incapable of.

There’s a million other mini-battles throughout the game that will make a difference, but ultimately I’m predicting a trench war of attrition between two of the best O and D lines in the NFL. God willing, heaven knows, its got to be this time…hasn’t it?

Now for something totally different, I’m going to pass you over to a good mate of mine, Lions supporter and Southerner (so my diametric opposite) Chris White, aka Blanco_619, for his thoughts on the game.

To quote a great song from Bloc Party’s debut album, so here we are…and did I see it coming? 100% not!

Let’s talk about these Lions. I knew we had something special early on with Dan and Brad, but this special? Nah, I don’t think anyone saw this. I think it speaks volumes, in a positive mindset, that we have no MVP candidates (yet Dak made an appearance – go figure?) because, despite having no real off-the-scale playmakers (though some future players potentially in this category being Gibbs, LaPorta and Amonra to name just 3) this team just oozes togetherness – this team has #AllGrit.

Which is lucky, because that’s exactly what we’ll need this weekend. Where do we sit now with The Cranky Englishman and his successful 9ers? Well, we are still massive underdogs. Yes, we need to be on our game, but I also feel, like a classic FA Cup tie, we need to catch them on a bad day… but hey, that’s “the magic of the playoffs” right?!

On paper where do we stand:
Hutch or Bosa? Bosa
Gibbs or CMC? CMC
Amonra or Deebo? Deebo

Goff or Purdy? Well… for me, this is where it may just play out. “Goff only plays in a dome.” Well. Goff played in Cali for most of his football career. So maybe this statement should be Goff only plays at home?I digress. How do I see this NFC Championship game going? Well, I’ll be honest, being HUGE underdogs I expect nothing, but hope for everything. Do I think we’ll make the Super Bowl? Of course not, but even if we don’t, it’s been an incredibly fun season!

LFG.

I concur.

Enjoy the game.

I wasn’t meant to make it for a variety of reasons – my impatient birth, incredibly tiny size, and complications left me hanging on a little bit – but thankfully, I did. Unfortunately, I was also lumbered with this pesky thing called cerebral palsy that would follow me around for the rest of my life. It never stopped me doing much, mind you – whether in a frame, on sticks, or on air, I would stand in our pub carpark (The Halsall Arms, in Halsall – it’s not there any more. Some say it never was) imitating Robbie Fowler, my childhood hero, time and time and time again. Sadly, kid me got to love watching the Reds, but never got to see them win trophies. That just wasn’t a thing for the Spice Boys. Failures in finals? Losing to Coventry every year? That was more our thing.

Thankfully, once I got a little older, we found ways to win – wins at the Millennium Stadium and Dortmund, among others, stick in my memory to this day. Then, of course, there was something I never thought I’d see, us winning the European Cup. Istanbul. Rafa. What a man. To this day I’d defend him – he was the first manager who actually felt like he would give me something to shout back at the glory-hunting United supporting knobheads at my school, by now in a tiny village called Euxton, in Lancashire. Suffice it to say, then, that I’ve supported Liverpool my entire life, good, bad, and Hodgson.

It wasn’t just a long-distance relationship, either – I got to go, sometimes. I’ll never forget the first time I went. My dad first took me to Anfield when I was 8 years old, and the crowd sang You’ll Never Walk Alone, and we both had our scarves in the air. I turned to look at him as we sang, and I saw him cry. It was the first time I’d seen him cry.

As a kid, I had no idea why he was so emotional. The following years would teach me why. For one thing, I don’t know if he ever expected to have football with me. Like I said, I wasn’t far from not making it to football age, let alone thinking that I would ever be mobile enough to navigate the steps and seats at Anfield. But it was more than that, Football leads you through emotions, good and bad, high and low, just like life. You remember the moments you spend watching it – being attacked by him in our living room in 2005, after the greatest comeback we’d ever seen, to win our first MAJOR trophy of my lifetime. All the big European wins. All the trophies. The devastation of 2014, and a million things inbetween.

I get it now. I really do. I spent my entire life being taught by this club that anything was possible, that you could follow your dreams, that you could be up against it and no matter what, you still had a chance. That was me. I was lucky enough to get myself fit and well enough to be independent – to pursue a comedy career, to travel to places I always dreamed of, and to even touch the top of a mountain I never thought I’d reach. Living alone. Imagine that, for a disabled kid who’s forever been called ‘cripple’ or ‘spaz’ or whatever. I was about to try doing something that I honestly never thought was possible. Better yet, I knew exactly where I wanted to be.

You’d think it would be Liverpool, wouldn’t you? Alas, no – my friends, my life, my narrative, my ambitions, they all took me to the opposite place – Manchester. I’m still there now, although I’m not sure I could honestly tell you what drew me here, and the reasons to stay dwindle by the day. But we’ll come back to that. I moved here in 2018, and by now, Liverpool had just come off a heartbreaking loss in the Champions League final, to a Lorius Karius inspired Real Madrid. No matter, though, as we were led by a different man now – Jurgen Klopp.

I think it’s impossible to state just how much Jurgen Klopp ‘gets’ Liverpool Football Club. You sit there and you see it in front of you, and the only thing that ever strikes you is how the man looked born to be there. Born to manage Liverpool. Born to be one of us, because he just understood how things worked. What Liverpool fans want, demand, and believe in. From the second he came in, it felt like he should’ve been there all his life, and in a strange way, that mirrored my own life, too. I was happy, healthy, and living alone and thriving. Disabled people don’t always have the happiest of lives. I was never the cheeriest person, I didn’t have the teenage, university years of memories that some people do – it took me a long time to find my independence. I felt like I didn’t really live my life until my mid-20s. That coincided with this run under Jurgen, and as such, I can honestly say that the 18 months between my initial move to Manchester in September 2018, to the inevitable COVID lockdown in March 2020, were probably the best of my life.

I was young, free, having fun, and I had kindred spirits in two of my still best friends in Patrick and Hugh, and had more fun watching football than ever. That run may have been the wildest of them all – first, the ridiculousness of the 2019 Champions League – in the midst, managing to go mental with people I never knew in Germany as Origi outduelled Messi – I’ll tell that story more fully one day, but it was the best night of them all. We somehow just missed out on the league by a point, but the season ended on the night of the final, and no matter what came of life, no matter where we had to go to see the game, I had my arms round my dad, singing You’ll Never Walk Alone, again. For those moments, Divock Origi will live forever, just as Alan Kennedy or David Fairclough or someone of that ilk did to my dad.

That crushing machine in 2020 should’ve ensured more lovely memories, but sadly, bigger things intervened when it came to the league. COVID and an incompetent government ensured I couldn’t have my arms around him or sing YNWA. I watched it on my own, in my flat, bored, lonely, and sad, but thankfully, the reds made sure that it was still our moment. Fair play to him, no matter the distance, he always messaged, texting as soon as the whistle went and saying ‘I was beginning to think I’d never see us win it again’. I know what he meant. He was 32, not too far from my age then, when we last won the league. I doubt he ever thought it would happen for both of us. But… it did. On top of the world, looking down on creation. So this is a happy story, right?

Wrong. Bump. It wasn’t long after we won the league, actually, that things started to go awry. A combination of lockdown, personal life difficulties, and the fact that the team looked utterly shagged out, left me feeling thoroughly miserable for most of the next year. I don’t want to overstate football’s importance to me – it is just a game, as all sports are – but when every single one of your sports teams shits the bed in the same season, and that season sees you locked inside and not seeing your mates (those who hadn’t moved after deciding city life wasn’t for them), and you’re predisposed to misery anyway, it tends to get you down. Even now, in the first embers of 2024, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever fully recovered from the affects of almost 3 years locked down.

In that time, we lost my Grandad, my dad’s dad, a football lover and wonderful man, who spent most of his time when I was younger indulging my passion for football – somehow finding the paper to tear up, fold, and put into your old football trophies, and sitting there watching me do stupid cup-draws out of them when I was a kid – to then watch me play the ties against myself! ‘Nottingham Forest…will play…’ – to this day, a cup draw makes me smile. In fact, any time to this day someone references CeeFax or I hear the Grandstand tune, I think of Saturdays I used to stay with him sometimes and watching the scores update and come in. I don’t think I’ve ever loved football as much as I did in those early 5-10 years, apart from under Klopp and I’m pretty sure it was down to things like that. Simpler stuff. So anyway, life was going awry, and with it, so were the reds. We all endured 2020/21, not least Klopp himself.

After so long away, I wasn’t watching games with people any more. Most games were just me, in my flat, on my own. I’d go out the odd time, but it was only occasionally. I barely saw my dad, and that was fine – we weren’t interested in infecting each other, and the games were hardly worth it anyway. Then, in 21/22, something really did change. We were good again. Propelled along by Dua Lipa and good thoughts, we almost did the impossible and came away with everything. I had a hell of a time watching us do it, first with my amazing friend Louise for the Carabao Cup final (she practically dragged me out, and it was the first game I’d watched in a pub in about 2 years), but not least in the FA Cup final, where my shouts of ‘WHEY FUCK OFF MOUNT YOU TORY CUNT’ probably still reverberate around The Footage. That was, now we could do it again, with Dad again, arm in arm, pissed, and happy. I was so happy after that final that I actually watched Eurovision for the first time in my life. I enjoyed it, too. Is this what being in a major city of culture does to you?

Sadly, we couldn’t make it stick, and following the loss to Madrid, my life went into a bit of a tailspin. I don’t need to get into it here, but a complicated personal life, crap professional life, and the numbing greyness of everything that life had become left me feeling about as bad as I ever had. The team also took their cue from me, being mostly irredeemably crap for that season. Still, the season ended, and despite some wonderful moments in my personal life, I was still pretty miserable. Come August, and I’m cutting out a lot here as the piece is long enough, but eventually, one Sunday night/Monday morning, I had to pick up the phone and admit the truth. I was depressed. It might be hard for you to understand why that was such a big thing for me, but as an already avowed Northerner, suffice it to say that people of my ilk aren’t really the first to admit to mental health problems. In Northern working-class families, the women show their emotions, the men show their arses (future teatowel). So it was quite hard for me to pick up the phone and record to my Dad that I was so depressed that I rarely, if ever, wanted to see the next day, and I think it was equally hard for him to hear.

He dealt with that by reinstating the best bond we had. Liverpool Football Club. Not a week later, we go down to the pub, starting a new tradition, to watch us play the new stinking face of sportswashing, Newcastle United. I was pretty vulnerable that day, and my mood wasn’t especially helped by the early sending-off and general ineptitude of the referees. Then, like a bolt of lightning, someone reminded me what football was all about.

Him! Possibly the face of Klopp 2.0. But also the face of what football is to me and was to me. Win, lose, draw in my own life, there was always them. The last 5 or 6 years, since I moved to the enemy territory, have been up and down, triumph and disaster, love and heartbreak, but I was saved by one thing. The fun of supporting Liverpool. Full of drama, and unforgettable moments, delivered on a season-by-season basis. There was that song. There were the tears when I remembered Grandad, or linked arms with my Dad to celebrate another trophy. There was reasons to live. There were reasons to believe. There were happy moments, sad moments, and everything in between. Maybe some people don’t ‘get’ football, or understand why it inspires such devotion, but that’s why. It can be a microcosm of life. It can lift your day or ruin it.

But it’s always there for you, and there was always Liverpool Football Club. There was always the games, there were always the drinks, there was always the song. Sitting here in 2024, I’m a better man now than I’ve ever been, with memories that will last forever, and more than most, at the heart of it all, was always Jurgen Klopp. Now he’s leaving, so I don’t know what happens next, for Liverpool Football Club, or for me. I’m sure it will be fine. If life’s taught me anything for the last 2 years, it’s that everything eventually will be at least tolerable. I don’t support Klopp Football Club, after all, but he understood it more than most of us ever will, and it’s hard not to feel like it will never quite feel just as fun, just as sweet, just as freeing, again. Still, we’ve got 4 more months of drinks with my Dad to enjoy. With any luck, we might lift a few more trophies and get to sing that song all over again.

Thank you for everything, Jurgen. You made the world a better place for me and everyone else for a while. YNWA. x

Porter Versus The World – 143-111 (13-4 last week, 6 correct margins)

A big week! As usual, my Bears upset pick backfired, whereas the 49ers reserves, Eagles, and Jacksonville rounded out my losers – and two of those teams are flatlining. We can analyse sacked coaches et al at some point in the future, but lets talk the Wildcard round!

Cleveland Browns at Houston Texans

This is a tough one to call, because are we getting Playoff Joe Flacco? If we do, the odds look good against the Texans, especially as the Browns have one of the best defenses in the playoffs. Houston’s inexperience in these situations also counts against them, and who knows how CJ Stroud handles the pressure of a playoff game? I’ve gone back and forth on this, but my hunch is that the Browns edge the Texans out in a relatively low scoring game.

Browns, one score.

Miami Dolphins at Kansas City Chiefs

This seems tough to call too, but not because either team is doing especially well – both teams have lost their way of late, and complicating matters is the freezing cold conditions, that have already seen sideline reporters become Joey Tribbiani.

I’ll take the playoff experience, but I’m not sure it makes me happy to do so. I hope the weather doesn’t ruin what would’ve been an intriguing game, but rather adds to the intrigue. Mahomes may just find himself again against Miami.

Ps, Miami fans, you’re welcome, although the reverse jinx didn’t work last week.

Kansas City, one score.

Green Bay Packers at Dallas Cowboys

I think this is the easier call. I like Green Bay, Jordan Love might indeed be good (and stats wise, is up there in the upper echelon of QBs), and the receiving core has potential, but it’s a year too early for them against this Cowboys team. I don’t love the Cowboys when it really gets down to it, and you can’t rule out ‘Playoff Cowboys post 1995’ showing up, but I have to back the better and more experienced team at this stage of the season.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Buffalo Bills

This game is now slated for Monday due to the frankly ridiculous conditions in America’s Toronto, but in all honesty, nothing short of fire from Hades changes the outcome here. Pittsburgh swept the Ravens to get into the playoffs, but they’ve looked average-to-bad against almost every other good team, and while the conditions may suit them, Buffalo is red hot right now, and unlike years past, has a run game to get them through. Bills win an ugly one.

Buffalo, one score.

Los Angeles Rams at Detroit Lions

My personal favourite game of the weekend, and the hardest one to call in my opinion. The Rams were dead, buried, and read the last rites about a month and a half ago, but the resurgence of McVay as a playcaller, Stafford as a QB, and the emergence of Kyren Williams has suddenly made LA even sunnier than usual. I see a shootout here, as either the Lions need to keep up with the Rams or vice versa (and that Lions secondary is…bumpy, lets say), and a potential playoff classic. I believe in my heart that the Lions are the better team, but I have to make picks with my head, and something tells me a combination of LA’s experience, McVay’s savvy, and the obvious narrative of Stafford against the Lions works against Detroit. A ding-dong battle with a sad ending for the most put-apon of NFL franchises. As a 49ers fan, I really, really, really want to be wrong.

Rams, one score.

Philadelphia Eagles at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Well, shit. This should’ve been easy to call even as late as a month ago, but the Eagles implosion, Bucs improvement, and AJ Brown being out all point to a huge playoff upset. It’s a quirk of the NFL playoff rules that a team beating the worst team in the league 9-0 and barely winning its division can get a home playoff game, but if Tampa’s offense can get to 28 points, I think it’s defense can win them this one. And in all honesty, facing Matt Patricia’s defense, it would be an upset if they didn’t. I’m taking them, in what would, on the face of it, be a huge, huge upset, but in reality, probably won’t feel like one. Is Nick Sirianni in trouble…?

Tampa, one score.

Enjoy the best football of the year so far! (In theory). As always, if you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Porter versus The World – 130-107 (10-4 last week, 3 correct margins)

Bad week for the margins, but an excellent week for the picks, giving me a 0.548 percentage on the year, right above Jeff Fisher in NFL terms, but just below Chuck Knox. Can I drag it higher this week, or lower? Let’s find out.

Pittsburgh (9-7) at Baltimore (13-3)

With Baltimore resting half their starters, this unfortunately looks like a Pittsburgh win. Fortunately for the rest of the league, that ensures another year of Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh, so nothing to worry about for the foreseeable future.

Steelers, one score.

Houston (9-7) at Indianapolis (9-7)

Big playoff implications here, and I like both teams – Indy have been sneaky good all season, and are a fun watch as well, whereas if Houston make the playoffs, Demeco Ryans is a strong contender for coach of the year. It’s astounding where Houston are now compared to last year, and a strong pacifier for the likes of Carolina and Washington, who look lost at sea right now. It can happen to your franchise – if you get the right people in the right positions. So, who wins? That’s more difficult. I’ll take the team I like the most here, and back Houston to crash into the playoffs.

Houston, one score.

Atlanta (7-9) at New Orleans (8-8)

Big playoff implications here, and I hate both teams – New Orleans have been sneaky bad all season, and are a shit watch as well, whereas if Atlanta make the playoffs, Arthur Smith is a strong contender for worst coach to ever coach in a playoff game.

Hmm. I don’t actually think this game will matter, as Tampa beat Carolina (spoilers), but I’ll take New Orleans for being slightly less shit. Fire Arthur Smith – that team’s a head coach away from being good.

New Orleans, one score.

Cleveland (11-5) at Cincinnati (8-8)

Cleveland are resting a lot of starters, including everyone’s favourite NFL redemption story, Joe Flacco, so there’s only one winner here – basically, because if DTR could get it done, Flacco wouldn’t be there in the first place. A tough year for a good Cincinnati team, but they’ll be back, and with Joe Burrow, having ended on a reasonable high.

Cincinnati, one score.

Jacksonville (9-7) at Tennessee (5-11)

I could see Jacksonville finding a way to lose here, as they’ve been desperately poor lately, even in winning – but with the rumours swirling of a parting in Tennessee, I think they’ll just about do enough. As for Tennessee, Vrabel is a decent coach, but something clearly hasn’t worked the last two seasons, as he currently sits at 11-21 with one game to go. Twitter chatter of getting a first round pick for him just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

Jacksonville, one score.

Minnesota (7-9) at Detroit (11-5)

Minnesota need the win, whereas the Lions have the deckchairs largely out, unable to lift their seeding given likely wins for Philadelphia and Dallas (more spoilers!). However, I doubt Dan Campbell lets them have a week off, so I’ll take them to win, because Minnesota are pretty much pushing uphill as they have been all season. Big questions are heading their way in the offseason, especially at Quarterback.

Detroit, one score.

NY Jets (6-10) at New England (4-12)

Meh. Which team is less bad? Probably the Jets. Check back in next season for the Aaron Rodgers show, assuming he hasn’t been sued, imprisoned, or stabbed for calling someone a nonce with no evidence whatsoever. The man’s a fucking idiot, but the Jets had better be hoping he’s still a good Quarterback.

Jets, two scores plus.

Tampa Bay (8-8) at Carolina (2-14)

I’m not talking about Carolina any more, having backed them again last week to no end. Tampa wins, easy, and somehow gets a home playoff game.

Tampa, two scores plus.

Chicago (7-9) at Green Bay (8-8)

I’ve got Chicago here – I think they’re on a bit of a roll. It seems odd that, for all the caterwauling early in the year, the Bears were basically a couple of different results away from the playoffs. Are they trending upwards? It’s possible…

Green Bay certainly will trend upwards, I believe, in the next few seasons, but this one’s been a tough one, battling an experience gap at exactly the wrong time (as Detroit improved massively). Nonetheless, it should stand them in good stead for future seasons.

Chicago, one score.

Kansas City (10-6) at LA Chargers (5-11)

KC are resting Mahomes, but in all honesty, they could start Taylor Swift at QB and beat the Chargers. Next.

KC, two scores plus.

Philadelphia (11-5) at NY Giants (5-11)

Philly should win this, but then they should’ve won last week, and in several weeks this season, so we do have to consider that…

The Giants have had nothing to play for since November, and face a big offseason of tough decisions ahead. Some weapons for the QB – whoever that may be, but you’d expect it to be Daniel Jones – should be high on the list.

Philadelphia, two scores plus.

Dallas (11-5) at Washington (4-12)

Dallas wins, and continues to buff their record by beating shite. Next.

Dallas, two scores plus.

Denver (8-8) at Las Vegas (7-9)

Not much riding on this game playoff wise, but I fully expect that Denver is going to have a bloodbath of an offseason, so they’ll probably want to go into it with a win, especially over a division rival. The intrigue in Vegas is if one more win gets Antonio Pierce the job, as Jim Harbaugh rumours swirl…

I’ll take Vegas, as it’s a close game and they’re at home. A big offseason ahead for both teams, but probably bigger for Vegas, who have to get the decisions right this time around.

Vegas, one score.

LA Rams (9-7) at San Francisco (12-4)

This is the calmest I’ll be watching a 49ers game in a long time, with a first round bye locked up, several key players resting, and no good or bad news riding on the result. The fact we’re getting Darnold v Wentz is just a beautiful treat for anyone who loves broken toys. I’ll take my boys, as their depth is better, but honestly, this will just be fun to watch to see which no-names show up on film.

San Francisco, one score.

Seattle (8-8) at Arizona (4-12)

The Cardinals have beaten the Cowboys, Falcons, Steelers and Eagles this year.

What a strange football team.

It’s hard not to have optimism for the future in Arizona, they’ve been coached above their talent level for sure, and have some nice wins to show for it. I have to take Seattle, though, as they need the win a lot more. Seattle won’t be an easy team to beat in the playoffs, but conversely, it’s difficult to know which version of them turns up week-to-week. They’ll get the job done here, and probably easily, after a little back and forth.

Seattle, two scores plus.

Buffalo (10-6) at Miami (11-5)

This will be an amazing game, I can’t wait for this. It’s hard to believe Miami have let themselves fall back far enough to be in a 50/50 game for the division, but here we are. Meanwhile, Buffalo could actually drop out of the playoffs entirely if they lose, or be the #2 seed if they win! It’s an absolutely wild set of variances, and I’m not entirely sure the game won’t be the same. I’m going to back the hot hand, which is Buffalo, which should please those in upstate New York, but also those in Miami, as they usually fall on their arses whenever I pick them.

Buffalo, one score.

That’s a wrap on the regular season! Thank you for all your support this year – I never saw myself doing every week of picks, but as I hit publish, we’ve achieved it! If you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.

Happy 2022, everyone.

Hello! I think I’ve reported eligible just in time, let’s talk Week 17, shall we? But first, how’d I do last week – was I an Xbox Series X, or just a lump of coal?

Porter versus The World – 120-103 (9-6 last week, 4 correct margins)

How very Jeff Fisher of me. A very average week, not helped by Cincinnati, Denver, and Kansas City, to name a few, falling flat on their faces, while I missed on a couple of 50/50 picks where Atlanta and Jacksonville are concerned. Still, over the season, unless I get very few wins over the last two weeks, it’s not a bad record. So let’s dive into Week 17, and oh boy, we’ve got things to talk about already…

Cleveland 37, NY Jets 20

Not much to say here, a fairly routine win for a good Cleveland side against a Jets side that’s been dead since Aaron Rodgers’ Achilles went pop. Cleveland’s combination of that stifling defense versus Flacco’s miracle throws is giving off major Ravens 2012 vibes. They won’t be an easy out in the playoffs.

Dallas 20, Detroit 19

Hoo boy. Well, there’s the whole controversy about the end, and at the time of writing, it looks a pretty open-and-shut officiating mistake. I’ll save the conspiracies for the tinfoil hat brigade, but I’d also like to advance a thought – when you got a 2nd chance via penalties etc, why didn’t Dan Campbell just send it to overtime? I can fully understand going for it the first time, but three times brings in Einstein’s theory of insanity. Nonetheless, the Lions look to have been robbed like a suburban 7-11.

Let’s go for this week’s picks – without any inside information from the NFLRA.

Miami (11-4) at Baltimore (12-3)

Well, Baltimore must have established themselves as the best team in the NFL last week, not just the AFC, but this is probably the only team that promises to genuinely threaten them come playoff time, so this will be a fun playoff preview matchup, with any luck. Based on having seen both teams close up now, I’m taking Baltimore, with the proviso that they are due a let-down game, particularly after getting a number of lucky breaks during the 49ers game – every tipped ball seemingly somehow ending up in Baltimore hands, for instance. Ultimately, though, I still think they’re a better team, so Cranky tiebreakers apply, and they’ll win here.

Baltimore, one score.

New England (4-11) at Buffalo (9-6)

This shouldn’t be close, but then, neither should it have been against the Chargers for Buffalo. They’ll win here, though, and hopefully more convincingly, against a New England team who basically went home in October.

Buffalo, two scores plus.

Atlanta (7-8) at Chicago (6-9)

Oh god, who knows. Atlanta find a way to lose games they should win (although didn’t last week), whereas Chicago are actually not far off a reasonable record, given the teeth-gnashing and screaming surrounding the franchise from their online fanbase. I think I’ll take Chicago narrowly in this one, but there’s not really a surprising result here.

Chicago, one score.

Tennessee (5-10) at Houston (8-7)

CJ Stroud’s back, making this prediction much easier. It’s the time of the season where mediocre or worse teams like Tennessee put the cue on the rack and start looking to the offseason. I don’t see any way a fired-up Houston team on the playoff bubble finds a way to lose this one, especially given the coaching job Demeco Ryans is doing out there.

Houston, one score.

Las Vegas (7-8) at Indianapolis (8-7)

Tough call, both teams are capable of playing well, but usually haven’t on a consistent basis. The Raiders seem to be trying really hard to get Antonio Pierce the head coaching job, whereas Indianapolis have defied the loss of Anthony Richardson to be watchable (largely) all year. Both teams need this one, and it’s a push to call, so I’ll call the usual tiebreaker and say home advantage rules.

Indianapolis, one score.

Carolina (2-13) at Jacksonville (8-7)

Jacksonville is starting CJ Beathard, which can’t be good news – take it from a man who watched him for most of the 2017 season. I’ve picked Carolina a few times this season, and it’s mostly backfired (and ironically, I didn’t pick them two weeks ago, and they won that), so I’m going to double down here like a true addict and take them one last time. Go on Carolina.

Carolina, one score.

LA Rams (8-7) at NY Giants (5-10)

This should be over pretty quickly – while the Giants should be lauded for sticking to their task and not throwing the season away, and their defense is playing really well (making it even stranger when Wink Martindale inevitably gets fired at season’s end), but the Rams are the NFC’s hottest team right now, and I have a feeling they’ll run over this Giants team. Tommy Devito has, like many one-hit wonders, had his moment. Still, it was fun for a while, if not a social experiment.

Rams, two scores plus.

Arizona (3-12) at Philadelphia (11-4)

As bad as the Eagles are, this is another easy pick. No more words, I’m on a time limit.

Eagles, two scores plus.

New Orleans (7-8) at Tampa Bay (8-7)

Hard to call, but very, very vital – a division essentially stands on the line. I’d say a close game, but there’s one team ascending and one collapsing, making it a slightly easier pick than it seems. Tampa will move on, get a home playoff game, and then….who knows where?

Tampa, one score.

San Francisco (11-4) at Washington (4-11)

Me at 3am on Boxing Day morning, watching my team shit the bed.

San Francisco needs a bounceback game after ruining my Christmas, and fortunately, we’re playing a Washington team that’s long since given up on the season, with half its players out, and a guy they didn’t want to start at QB at QB. Surely even we can’t lose this one.

San Francisco, two scores plus.

Pittsburgh (8-7) at Seattle (8-7)

Another game with decent-size playoff implications, but easier to pick than most. Despite their sudden showing on Christmas, when Rudolph guided Pittsburgh’s slaying of Cincinnati and went down in history, Seattle’s just a better team all round. I’m sure it’ll be kept close, but Seattle wins for me.

Seattle, one score.

Porter versus The World (111-97, 8-7(!) last week, 3 correct margin)

Not bad, but probably goes better if I stop showing faith in Atlanta, and have more in Houston, for example. Surprise losses for the Cowboys and the Eagles also took me down a bit, but after 4-10 a week ago, a pretty welcome return to form. Can I unwrap some Christmas gifts this year and get myself more strikes in the positive column? First, lets talk Thursday…

LA Rams 30, New Orleans 22

As a 49ers aficionado, I’m getting worried about the Rams. They’re just catching fire, and will likely be an excellent dark horse in the playoffs. The vast majority of the reason why they suddenly look as good as they can be is their running game’s emergence, led by Kyren Williams. With Stafford still as good as he’s ever been, and a veteran team heating up, they’ll be a tough out for anyone in the playoffs. The same was never true of the Saints anyway, but this loss probably caps them out for the year. They’ve unfortunately got the combination of an above average roster but combined with a below average head coach. They’re spinning their wheels down in the big easy.

Cincinnati (8-6) at Pittsburgh (7-7)

Difficult pick, as both have strong moments of mediocrity, but Pittsburgh’s mediocre has become toxic lately. When your players don’t want to block because they might get hurt, your locker room, and possibly coaching tenure, is going the wrong way. Bengals pull this one out and continue to threaten a decent playoff run.

Cincinnati, one score.

Buffalo (8-6) at LA Chargers (5-9)

A much easier pick, as we’ve got two teams going opposite ways here – Buffalo, like LA above, are heating up rapidly, and honestly barely gave the Cowboys a look in last week. I expect more of the same here, as the Chargers are on their sun loungers, waiting to see who comes in to try and turn it around next year.

Buffalo, two scores plus.

Indianapolis (8-6) at Atlanta (6-8)

Atlanta might be the worst team that’s not going to get a high pick in the draft. On paper, they shouldn’t be, but Arthur Smith’s coaching is tantamount to one of the biggest possible crimes in the world. Indy, conversely, may be the worst team with a good record, but they’re an entertaining watch and should be good enough to keep it rolling.

Indy, one score.

Green Bay (6-8) at Carolina (2-12)

The one week I don’t back Carolina to pull off an upset, and one comes in, admittedly against a team almost as badly coached as they are in a horrendously low scoring game. They won’t keep it rolling here. Green Bay have basically set fire to their playoff chances, but they should get back on the horse here, even if it is now far too late.

Green Bay, two scores plus.

Cleveland (9-5) at Houston (8-6)

Difficult pick here – two teams capable of finding ways to win in difficult circumstances (in the Browns case, from a poorly constructed offensive roster, and in the Texans case, due to being mid-rebuild) colliding, with two people doing two of the best coaching jobs out there. With no Stroud, and the Browns defense, I have to take the Browns here. If Demeco pulls this one out, they should make him mayor.

Cleveland, one score.

Detroit (10-4) at Minnesota (7-7)

If the Lions hadn’t won last week, this would be a far harder pick. Given that they did, and in quite some style, and Minnesota is struggling for an offensive identity, I have to take momentum here and welcome Detroit to the playoffs for the first time since Abraham Lincoln picked up a playbill. Forza Detroit.

Detroit, one score.

Washington (4-10) at NY Jets (5-9)

Oof, from the penthouse to the outhouse. I guess I’ll take the Jets as they’re marginally better and certainly better coached, but this won’t be well-remembered.

Jets, one score.

Seattle (7-7) at Tennessee (5-9)

Seattle kept its playoff hopes alive with a nice win over the Eagles, and have actually been playing quite a bit better than their recent results suggest. Tennessee, much like New Orleans, are in some sort of bland nothingness. Seattle takes an edgy one.

Seattle, one score.

Jacksonville (8-6) at Tampa Bay (7-7)

Big game here – Jacksonville is losing its grip on its division, while Tampa is trying to strengthen its grip on its own. Jacksonville are an odd team, seemingly playing way below the sum of its parts, while Tampa are similar to the Rams, in the sense that they’re getting good at the right time. I’ll take Tampa in a close one, but this is definitely a push – and the winner can probably look forward to football in January.

Tampa, one score.

Arizona (3-11) at Chicago (5-9)

Chicago contrived to throw away a winning position AGAIN last week, and the sheer number of these must be concerning to the Bears hierarchy now, even if being close to winning so many games has likely protected some jobs out in Chicago. I’m actually going to back the upset here and take Arizona, who are far from perfect, hence their record, but seem to find a way to generate points and entertainment most weeks, regardless of their ability level.

Arizona, one score.

Dallas (10-4) at Miami (10-4)

A real titanic clash here, and a tough one to call, as both have had moments of mediocrity in winnable moments, and both have their issues. I’d say momentum is with Miami, so I’ll go with them, but I’m intrigued to see who wins this one, because it has pretty huge playoff implications, and we may find out who the best teams are. There’s another game like this too…

New England (3-11) at Denver (7-7)

It ain’t this one.

Denver, two scores plus.

Las Vegas (6-8) at Kansas City (9-5)

This is an interesting one – Vegas are a team of confusing conflicts, whereas KC have flattered to deceive pretty much all year. It’s a tight one, but best team rules comes into play, and KC will just get it back on track here.

KC, one score.

NY Giants (5-9) at Philadelphia (10-4)

Philly really needs a win, so they’re fortunate to be playing a horrendous football team – even with their struggles, its hard to see the Giants generating enough offense to win a game against a much better team. Is Philly back? No, but a good easy game always helps.

Philly, two scores plus.

Baltimore (11-3) at San Francisco (11-3)

And now, the end is near….

This is probably one of the most titanic regular season clashes in history, up there with Miami-Chicago in 85, Giants-Patriots in 2008, or even Steelers-49ers in 1984. Will we really know who the better team is after this? It’s hard to say. The Niners have a few injuries on the d-line (Armstead out will be huge, for example) – whereas the Ravens have suffered attrition all year. Ultimately, it comes down to:

• San Francisco’s discipline vs the run, particularly Lamar Jackson (scrambling QBs have caused them problems before)
• Baltimore vs the pass (will Brock Purdy continue to system QB the NFL?)
• Special Teams – the 49ers main returner, Ray Ray McCloud, continues to miss time, and we know that can affect games, especially against a good Ravens unit.

Honestly, it should be a classic. I’m seeing the Niners are at 5.5 point favourites for this game, but with their injuries along the d-line and poor run D last week, I’m taking the Ravens to strangle the life out of a close one.

Baltimore, one score.

Merry Christmas! Thank you for all your support this year. If you read and enjoy, or you read and hate it, please let me know via comment, tweet or email.